No idea.

Well, I couldn't think of subject line, so I'm sorry about that. But I really felt the need to talk about this, and theres no one I trust right about now to say it to.

So I ended up seeing a psychiatrist today, and was half in hysterics, having been fighting really hard not to cry in socials [and I was really mean to a few people who had started asking me why I looked so weird]. She started talkign to me about if anything had been bothering me lately, or how life was going. So I told her that my parents are trying to kill me, and that I hadn't been sleeping or eating becuase my food is poisioned and they might kill me while I sleep. To which she replied that she thought that it was a delusion, brought my dad in [luckily I escaped to somewhere else], and gave me a prescription. Now, I trust her, and I trust doctors to know what they're doing, but it's really scary and kind of odd to be put on anti-psychotics just like that [I'm on a low dose of Risperdal]. And now I'm all worried about if I'm going to gain weight, since I'm already worried about my weight when I have no reason to be. And I don't think I'm delusional.

And I know that I've always been private person, and that I really don't like sharing things with others, but right now I'm terrified of all these things and I don't have anyone out there to say something to. Even when I have said anything to my few friends, they don't want to hear it, or ignore me, or completely change the subject.

And my parents are trying to kill me. Not my best option right now.

So yeah, I've just been trying to act completely normal, and I have, but I'm kind of dying away inside. I just need to say something to someone.
Sorry for wasting your time.

Thank-you.

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Itadakimasu said:
So I ended up seeing a psychiatrist today... She started talkign to me about if anything had been bothering me lately, or how life was going. So I told her that my parents are trying to kill me, and that I hadn't been sleeping or eating becuase my food is poisioned and they might kill me while I sleep. To which she replied that she thought that it was a delusion... and gave me a prescription. Now, I trust her, and I trust doctors to know what they're doing, but it's really scary and kind of odd to be put on anti-psychotics just like that...

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My opinions: telling people that something that they think is true is a delusion, especially on the first visit, is not very helpful, even though she did say she "thought it was a delusion." And I don't like the idea of being put on medications right away. But then I wasn't there and don't know your state of mind or how the psychiatrist perceived it.

Can you, or do you want to, tell us more about your relations with your parents? It might help in understanding why you think they might be trying to get rid of you.

My relationship with my parents could be much better, especially with my mother. Sometimes I understand the why of what they say, but I can't always do what I need to do. I'm sick right now, so my mental state is a bit weak, plus there's been a whole bunch of other stuff going on with me right now [mood swings, I've been seeing things,not being able to focus...]. For starters, I heard them say they were going to kill me when they thought I wasn't listening, and my amount of trust in them isn't so great to begin with. My mother is a nurse, she's quite capable of poisioning me. She has access to suplies, and know enough to make it seem like an accident. and my dad is just angry a lot, not particularly at me, but about life.

And they weren't ever that nice to me, although they tell me I'm lying about that too.

Like take now. I told myself I wouln't cry, but I can already feel tears.... I have a cold, I'm not doing so well, I'm on anti-psychotics, and I'm scared. So I sat down for a bit after coming upstairs to hold my head, and my mother starts nagging on me about setting the table for dinner and making my dinner, and I need to get the milk out now. I said thay I would do it in a second if she would wait. So, I know it maybe wasn't the nicest thing to do, and I would probably have apologized to her for snapping at her soon afterwards. I know I'm a bit fragile right now. But then she starts talking about how I'm so lazy, and she doesn't care If I'm sick, I should get up and do things, I'm just stalling for time, and I'm rude, and then she says "...you know, you're acting like a real *****."
I hate swearing. It's a big deal to me if people swear, I've made this quite clear, and it's really very derogatory to me when someone calls me that. I was shocked, asked her why, and she said that she "felt like it" and "it was true". So I said that I expected her as a woman to understand why I felt that it was such a derogatory term. And she said that it was a point of pride to her.
So I left the room, made my own dinner, and informed my parents [not rudely] that I wasn't going to eat with them, I was really insulted, and that I would rather not go into a conflict with my mother that I could avoid. But it's a big deal to my parents that we eat toghether, I know, but it seemed a better option then getting into another fight, another conversation where it was my fault. .And then she said that I was being manipulative, and I was overeacting [I tried to stay calm], and how I obviously didn't care about the family enough to eat with them. I wanted to yell so badly. I wanted to say I wasn't manipulating her, I was just upholding my principles, and that it was how I would react if it was anyone else. I wanted to swear at her, and wanted to say I hated her. But I didn't. I got a bit irratable [I am not denying that I wasn't exactly perfect here] said that she was just trying to make me into the bad guy again, smiled, and went downstairs. And while I'm down here, I'm pretty sure my dad ended up taking my side, and they argued, and she came down and said "Are you happy now?! You got what you wanted, didn't you? Apparently you're all against me now!", and slammed the door.
I should apologize for being rude. And I will apologize for not eating with them. But I will not say sorry to them because they feel it's okay to swear at me. I know I have a good life. I'm not poor, living in the streets, no ones dying in my family. I should be grateful. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. But it's a bit hard for me to do that when I'm told I fail at life, that I'm not good enough. I should be happy they don't swear at me that much, really. But I'm not. And I'm far too tired right now to care if they kill me.

Sorry I talk so much. I don't mean to be so angsty. I will be able to be a mature person someday. But I'm 14, and I don't think I can handle everything the right way without a bit more experience in life. But that's just an excuse. And now everyones going to be tense and act likle nothing happened. And then they're going to look at me murderously.

Ah well.

Thank-you.

> And now everyones going to be tense and act likle nothing happened. And then they're going to look at me murderously.

Not here, though.

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Hello Itadakimasu:
I have no idea if your parents are trying to kill you or not but after reading your post I can certainly understand why you're feeling that you could be expendable to them.

I'm trying to think of some helpful words to say. On the one hand, you've seen a psychiatrist and you're on some medication. I think it would probably be helpful for you to seek out a therapist or counsellor you could talk to as well. It's possible your psychiatrist might be able to fulfill that role but "talk therapy" is no longer a common component of psychiatry. There is a forum here dedicated to the subject of psychotherapy. You could probably get some good ideas where to start there.

I think it might also be helpful for you to try and identify one or two people in your social circle that you could go to if you really needed some help, ideally, this person would be an adult. Perhaps you have a favorite aunt or uncle, a friend of the family, a minister, teacher... someone. I do understand that sometimes it's easy to feel that there's no one around who can care that much about you, but I think it would be helpful for you to try and find someone. If there really is no one that suggests to me all the more why you could benefit from therapeutic counselling. It can be very isolating to go through what you're going through if you feel there's no one you can talk to about it.

I also suggest that you begin journalling your thoughts and experiences. Here's a brief article excerpt that explains why that can be helpful and how you can get started:

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what is journaling timescale?
Just as in diary keeping, you can use a diary or journal to record daily (or otherwise) entries in date order and your account of your experiences over a course of a day or a period of time.

what is journal writing techniques?
In the 1960s Ira Progoff, pioneered the use of diaries in psychotherapy. He created the Intensive Journal Method in 1975. Using his technique, he found that patients in psychotherapy who recorded their fears and worries were able to better manage their personal and difficult issues more efficiently than patients who did not. His work focus on how to use journaling or diaries for the purpose of self-awareness, finding your true self, and healing from personal troubles, including physical illness and trauma. Journaling as we know it today, springs from Dr Progoff's earlier work.

There are numerous simple, yet powerful writing styles and techniques to help you express yourself. For example, your perspective on a given event or situation; your pain, fear or anger; and what/how you're experiencing and feeling.

[b]Self Help: Journaling


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I'm sorry that your family isn't being anywhere near as understanding as you need them to be right now. That sucks in the worst way but it may be that there's nothing you can do to change them. However, you do have the power to change you, including learning what you need to do to take care of yourself and then, doing it.

Thanks for the information on journaling. I admit, it is nice to direct my feelings somewhere other than myself/other people. I suppose putting it down on paper really does help.

I was briefly hospitalized for a few days, and was put on some new medication. They discharged me today, and I'm feeling fine. I don't know if it's the meds, or if it's just another period where the psychosis seems to go away. I'm still pretty suspicious of people and their motives, but thats normal enough for me The main psychiatrist at the hospital I was in said that they were going to have to diagnose me with Psychotic Disorder NOS, due to my age. Otherwise [say, if I'd been older], It would have probably been Schizophreniform Disorder. But I don't really care for labels.

Sadly, my family's not changed much.

Anyways, just wanted to say thank-you to you both, and have a Happy New Year.

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Itadakimasu: Thanks for the information on journaling. I admit, it is nice to direct my feelings somewhere other than myself/other people. I suppose putting it down on paper really does help.

I often find that writing my own thoughts down can help me sort them out. The writing process itself seems to require that we take a step back from our emotions so we can examine them and it's this stepping back that takes us out of "the heat of the moment".

Journals can also be valuable records of personal progress. Over time, we may even find ourselves spotting specific patterns and this can help us to identify where we need to focus our efforts.

Journals also serve as the containers of an experience. This can be valuable for an individual who is moving through a crisis of psychosis because their own ego boundaries have often been loosened, cracked, or fragmented -- it can occasionally be difficult to see where you "end" and others "begin". A "container" can help impose a structure upon your experience that can serve as a temporary support until your own ego boundaries have recovered.

Sadly, my family's not changed much.

In some other posts I've spoken of the need to develop a support team and a support toolbox. Most of us probably want our family members to be part of our support team but they may not be capable of providing it. At minimum, most family settings can cover your basic physical needs: food, shelter, clothing. It might not seem like much but whatever you are going through, it would be that much more difficult if you didn't have a home.

However, as an individual in crisis or recovery, you'll have other needs such as the need to feel understood, supported, loved or cared for. Sometimes families can provide this but even the most ideal family setting probably couldn't provide everything you need. This is where friends, peers, physicians and therapists can serve in a valuable role. Having a support team increases the possibility that you'll get more of the things you need so you can recover.

As for your support toolbox, what goes into it varies by person. Music went into my toolbox, as did Silence, Tonglen practice, adequate rest, the most stress-free environment I could manage, and lots and lots of research. In hindsight, I should have included better nutrition and a regular form of exercise. Those would have been helpful for me as well.

Perhaps one of the most important things to go into your toolbox is your vision of recovery. Being able to imagine a time when this is all behind you can help take you forward. A recovery vision gives you the courage to face whatever challenges are on the path between where you are now and where you want to be.

Anyway, just a few ideas to get you thinking of putting together your own support team and your own support toolbox. It sounds as if journalling might be a good one for your toolbox.

Otherwise, I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better Itadakimasu. I hope the new year brings better things your way too.