Roll Call 151

It's good to feel bad when you fail

But just negative symptoms I hate with a passion. Why me? Then I think to myself.. I'll try to overcome it but I want to be better than that. I believe my depression was a result of my situation. Very situational depression from abuse and living in the middle of nowhere which is a good thing for me because I know what it's like to be in literal hell and feel so bad that I impulsively overdose or want to walk in front of a truck. No one ever told me what to do with my life. Ever.

The 200mg caffeine woke me up a little bit. I feel slightly better. I'm trying to better myself so much but there's so many directions that I can go and people think that it's stupid to follow inspirational people and successful people like even many people in my family has become successful rich people and there's people that hate successful people. I look up to them. A lot of them are sociopaths but a lot aren't. Not the people in my family.

I wrote down things that are important but not things that I want to do because I'm so bad at setting goals. I don't want a bf or gf. Maybe because I know that I need to put other things first. It's about discipline. But negative symptoms are like a **** move that a possible existing God has made because otherwise I'd be way too powerful.

I wrote things in no particular order like being creative and thinking outside the box, being myself, understanding myself and changing, learning from my mistakes to become a better person. Friends and family are important, experiencing life, not taking things so seriously and having a laugh, helping people or doing something for the world, challenges that don’t involve tiredness and lack of motivation, talking to people, being appreciated for overcoming struggles and not dwelling on them, going to school, having hobbies of variation and finding something that I like, spirituality, philosophy. It's important for me to feel that comfort is earned so I don’t feel the opposite of entitled and able to take compliments because I’m modest. To know what I want to do, travelling places.. idk..

I've been putting off reading the how to stop smoking book so I've been smoking still but after a week of quitting smoking, I'm going to start exercising again.

I would give it an extra week before starting exercising. My opinion. But you are much younger than me and may have better faculties. It took me 2 weeks total to regain my breathing ability back from smoking cigarettes. Both the first time and this past time.

Okok.. 10-14 days after quitting smoking, which starts now (I plan to never smoke again more than any time I've ever quit), I will start exercising =]

I'll have to be addicted to something tho... hopefully it will be exercising, mountain biking, hiking, walking, skiing, etc..

I use coffee to keep me from junk food bingeing, it's a healthier addiction in my opinion lol

Good luck with quitting smoking

Good luck!

Exercising is a good idea to help quit smoking. I found that chewing gum helped me with cravings. One thing that also helped me was to call cigarettes "cancer sticks" everytime you crave one just think you're increasing your chances of getting cancer if you smoke it.

Morning! I finally slept!!! 8 glorious hours. It seems to have helped my sick. I’m feeling a bit better today.
Have to work, hit the bank, and see my guy. Otherwise just hanging out w/my daughter.

I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. Just going to be a day of passing time while maintenance works on my ceiling. They should be finished after tomorrow thankfully

I got 12 hours of sleep. It's been an hour so 13 hours since I've had nicotine.

My mind is set on never using nicotine again. Eventually I'll stop thinking about it.

Gonna make a coffee =]

Hi guys. Super depressed. I don't know why. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I'm not going to though. I just gotta hang in there. I see T on Friday. Not that it will necessarily help, but someone will know how bad I feel.

Might get a nintendo switch tonight, since my grandpa paid my rent and I have $600 to do what I want with.

You should! I bought mine in April this year and love it! there's so many wonderful games for it

Yay! Thunderstorm, love them

Any ones you'd recommend besides zelda/mario which I plan on getting.

Yonder: The Cloud Catcher Chronicles, Stardew Valley, Let's Go Pokemon Pikachu/Eevee, Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Skyrim, Harry Potter LEGO collection, Dragon Quest Builders, My Time at Portia

There are sooo many games that are great I could go on forever lol, those are just a few

There are tons of great indie games too. They have a Stranger Things 3 game

I didnt know skyrim is on the switch.

My Dad gave me some decaf coffee.

I had to take Amelia (baby kitty) to the vet this morning for a check up and it was time for some shots. Luckily it was covered by the pet insurance I have on her. It was so hard to leave her there because she was meowing so pitifully. Luckily my Dad texted me around lunchtime and told me that he went and got her from the vet. So she is home now. That's good because I was worried about her.

My depression today has deteriorated into suicidal idealation. I feel like today that I am hanging on by my fingernails trying not to fall into crisis. IDK what's up with me. Literally nothing happened. Why do I feel like crap? Having depression is so frustrating.

Today went by fast.

I got a couple of things to do tomorrow but tomorrow is definitely a rest day for me. I've had a very very busy week. And it continues Thursday.

Sorry you're struggling Kit do you think maybe your meds need to be adjusted?

IDK. I see my PDOC on the 19th, so I'll see how the next two weeks go. If I stay in a down mode then I'll talk to him about changing meds. I'm already at max doses so it would mean either changing meds or adding a med. I really don't want to add anything though. I think he suggested last time that we could add something. I can't remember. HUGS to you too Blue_Bird