Roll Call 153

Me too. I'm exhausted.

Meal went well, barely hurt.

Took a quick nap.

I lost track of when I took my antibiotic and pain killer last so im just gonna take both at 9pm

I'm kinda upset.

Fiance chose not to pay his credit card bill for months because he said he didnt have money to pay for it. Even tho the minimum was like 30 or 40 a month. Sooooo we have to pay an extra 250 to move into this new place because his credit is bad.

Which pisses me off for numerous reasons. 1. He paid it off with his last income tax return and maxed it out again. 2. We have to pay more now which couldve been used to pay off other things like electricity transfer fee etc. Internet, etc WHATEVER.

Soooo, we are gonna end up paying a deposit-like price to move. Even tho this new apt doesnt have a deposit. We wouldve only had to pay maybe 800 to get in there. Around there. Now it's almost 1200 with all the fees tacked on. And that's not including paying the electric companies transfer fee and possibly a internet transfer fee.

He spends wayyyy to much money a month on smoke. That's why it pisses me off.

I'm so stressed out. My chest hurts.

I'm scared I'm gonna have a heart attack and die again.

I think this is a panic attack

I've been having panic attacks everyday now.

Had a really good hiking day today. I have an exercise tolerance so I went up the mountain like it was nothing. My mom is crazy and has really crazy friends. Good day. On the way down I had a really deep conversation with this woman.

I feel really good cuz of the phenibut yesterday like my mood wasn't down at all and I didn't even need to have a drop of alcohol. It really helps with my negative symptoms. I couldn't sleep last night cuz I was too high on weed but eventually went to sleep.

I have zero symptoms of mental illness right now. I feel calm and relaxed, focused, happy, awake etc...

How do you feel mentally? Like headspace? Here I'll paste the message that I posted on reddit..

"I couldn't even read text when I was having a panic attack and this is a long post so you don't have to read it.

First off, It's really hard to explain. I have a lot of family support and support of friends and a good doctor.

I realize the exact moment when a panic attack would start. I'd feel "weird" and then I'd look at the digital clock on my computer and see if I focus on the hole of a "9" or one of the two holes of an "8" and then I'd know. When I look now, I see the whole time such as "4:22PM".

When I have a panic attack, it's like I've completely lost my cognitive ability to reason or function. My heart beats fast, I keep checking to know where my things are. I'd stare at my wallet and make sure that it is still physically there.. present... I look at it and decide what the function of the wallet is and my mind would be blank.

After making sure all my things such as phone, wallet, meds, smokes are where I know they are, I go to take 1-2mg Ativan. It takes 15-30 minutes for it to kick in and then I'm fine. When they were bad, I'd be shaking violently and I'd tell my mom. I'd say I would want to go to the hospital because I can't take the panic attacks anymore and need intense therapy and she wouldn't let me go. Sometimes she'd get my dad on the phone and he'd make me laugh and just talk to me while the Ativan kicks in.

That "feeling" of mental anxiety where I say "I'm going to die" or my inner thoughts saying "**** dude.. you're having a panic attack" and then I'd say to myself "Wtf no I'm not. What are you talking about?" and usually there'd be a song playing in my head and it would really **** me up, my brain would trick myself into having a panic attack because I know that it has happened before.

Once I realize that it's not a big deal to feel out of touch with my reasoning and that it's ok and that I'm in a safe environment and that I'll be ok and that I have benzos just in case, I know that there's nothing to worry about. Part of it was because I was living in a small basement sweet and got claustrophobic but now I live in a bigger house where I don't feel so trapped. I've been doing more things to occupy my mind etc.. I think the panic attacks started because I was getting out of a deep depressive state and didn't cope well with the big change of moving to a place that isn't in the middle of nowhere where there's things to do.

Also I have extremely severe cardiophobia and I don't even have a heart condition. My doctor let me take two beta blockers a day every 12 hours so my heart beats slower. It reassures me that my heart is fine.

Also I feel that I've changed a lot and I'm more aware now that I'm almost 23. Maybe my brain is more developed and I can make better decisions and trust my thoughts more instead of anxious thoughts and worrying about things that aren't true and false dangers."

You've had panic attacks before I did and I was like "How does Newtus have panic attacks? What are they exactly..". Now I know exactly what they are but I'm not sure if they were normal panic attacks idk.. Instead like an alien autistic panic attack..

When I have a panic attack it can go from 0 to 100 real quick.

I feel weird before it. Like u said. Then I feel it coming on and I put 2 fingers to my neck to check my pulse and heart rate. And to make sure my heart hasn't stopped. Time goes slow when I have a panic attack. So when I check my pulse on my neck, it feels like my heart didnt beat for 5 seconds. When it actually did.

I start praying compulsively to God to not let me die. "Not today, god, please, I beg of you", i say. I start to cry very hard. So hard I get a headache. And then the inner pain and mental pain is so high at that point, that I start screaming at the top of my lungs as I cry.

I scream for God more and more. I kick and scream. And then ball up.

And then I just start to relax and I may fall asleep because I've exhausted myself from all of that.

I've never been open about that before because it is very embarrassing to me.

Guys (Mostly women), I'm going to become a pharmacist. I know I did drugs but I'm so interested in .. like the molecular structure of chemicals and biology and how they work in the body and brain.. It would be really easy for me to study because I'm interested in pharmacology. It would be a blast to go to school for that! And it pays really good money, I can work anywhere in the world.. It's awesome. I should go for it.. I can get off disability, pay for my own meds, have money and time to travel the world..

I wish I had more to talk about. I got promoted at work a couple weeks ago. I’m going to the gym min 4-5 times a week (I can bench press 120lbs now). Went to the doctor today and med change like I said.

Went out for burgers tonight. Dogs doing well. Cat doing well. Everyone doing well.

Doctor says I might be a little symptomatic.

I feel like I have more to say but I don’t know what it is. Make me sound more crazy trying to explain I guess.

Guess I’ll try to sleep instead. I’m sleeping more normal now but less than when I was on the seroquel. Doctor says to keep an eye on that.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to open you up I just think there's different types of panic attacks but I guess they're all the same.. My sister is starting to have panic attacks but they last 10-20 minutes. Mine would last hours I don't know why.. Maybe I have a lot of adrenaline or something from being on stimulants for many years..

No one judges you Newtus we love you <3 I hope your panic attacks go away with time like they did for me and DT but you are an anxious person. Maybe therapy would work if you just use it for anxiety and only that now that your psychosis symptoms are better.. even though they're still bad cuz you're working now.

I feel like I come on too strongly with people like I did with findingreason like thinking of it as a puzzle that needs to be solved.. I'm a different egg in analysing problems in that way..

You could be having some negative symptoms but I think you said loads in that message already. No one is here to judge how much we chose to share. Some people just don't like sharing anything, only the important stuff about what's going on. And it can be like even though there can be so much going on, you don't allow much to go on and the thoughts are less so you don't care. It happens to introverted smart peoples.

You're good my friend! You're being hard on yourself like I am without phenibut.. I get apathetic AF to the point where I'm thought disabled.. The soldiers made fun of me when I was feeling that way but no one understands that it is mental illness and we aren't defined by how much we talk, our lack of facial expressions, fake smiles, etc..

Yay I talked to my mom about it and she supports me now. She said I've been more mature as I've gotten older and even on here I was very immature but now I'm thinking better and taking things more seriously.. My mind is clear (I don't know why..) and my mental illness is better.

There's a pharmacology course in December but idk if I should do it now cuz my mom has breast cancer. She said that I shouldn't let that stop me but Idk..

Well tbh big pharma is a big conspiracy and we all know this. Look how much our meds cost. The government will be cracking down on pharmacists, more people are becoming pharmacists and they're already making less money. Also, AI will replace pharmacists. So I thought about becoming a pharmacologist (Which is what I really wanted to be except I didn't want to dedicate my whole life to working) but really I'd probably go into other fields of research like my cousin.

So basically I have no idea what I want to do still. I don't want to be chasing money either but it would be nice to find a way to make enough money that I can be comfortable for the rest of my life and travel etc..

Meh

The world might end soon anyways.

I always get smacked with reality.

So i losE TOUCh with it

Morning

I have anxiety.

And I'm afraid me and my whole family is gonna die. I dont want to goto work. I'm scared.

I'm struggling so much.

Maybe going to work will distract from the thoughts?

Did you talk to your doctor about this yesterday?

I slept 15 hrs since yesterday morning... I have to document that on the daily risk assessment for IOP and I don't think the T is going to like that fact. Granted, I didn't sleep night before last at all. So sleeping yesterday was more catching from the night before of no sleep.

Even with sleeping so much, I was able to get my homework done. I have class after IOP today. Makes for a long day, but both are enjoyable and go by fast.

I hope everyone is doing well and that you have a great day!

Yes I did. She asked if I wanted to raise the geodon another 20mg. But I wasnt sure so I said no. But I asked her to raise my gabapentin from 400mg to 600mg. My previous doctor had me at 600mg. And this one had me at 400mg. I've been taking the leftover 600mg because I have some still. So I basically wanted to keep the dosage the same.

I'm unsure if I should take my antianxiety this morning.

She told me I should try to goto counseling. But my job counselor has not set up an appt for me to goto one through him. Which would be free. I really do not have money to goto one on my own.

I dont have many people to talk to. Only SP. And maybe one other person, but that person is always busy.

I'm drinking decaf coffee but it is making me very bloated still. Like theres a huge air bubble in my stomach. I get bloated when I drink coffee every morning. Especially if I dont eat with it.

Glad your classes are going well childofchaos!

Saw a monarch butterfly on my walk

Hoping to lose weight with the med changes. I haven't gained anything in the first several weeks, like 3 weeks so that's a good sign

Coffee kills intestinal bacteria.....it’s not great to drink if you’ve got gut issues. Why even drink it if you’re going decaf, stick to tea.