Roll Call 153

Good morning. I got up early today.

I feel reeeaaally happy..

Nice!

I slept poorly last night and this morning. And then they took away my breakfast tray before I could touch it.

The third roommate is back from the hospital so that's nice, except I won't be able to go to the phys therapy at 11:30 anymore. I'll try it after the morning vape. Still depressed, the only thing that will help is the exercise.

I took my AD and AP last night and this morning. I feel shaky. I feel a little fragile and vulnerable. The shakiness is a little better since I took some anti-anxiety medication this morning but it's not gone. I'm trying to breathe deeply and settle my core. I see PDOC tonight. I'm not sure what he is going to be able to do. I'm at the highest dose of the AD and the highest dose of the AP for depression. I was having hallucinations of spiders. That seems to have settled. I feel kind of dissociated and out of it. Hence the feeling fragile. Maybe PDOC can add a mood stabilizer or another AD. IDK. I'm worried he is going to say there is nothing else he can do.

Got a new phone last night. My Dad paid for it.

good luck with your appointment Kit. I think your doctor probably has some options if you ask them

Thanks @ Blue_Bird. Just not feeling hopeful right now. Having sui thoughts. No motivation either. Just trying to get through the day. Moment by moment.

Re-reading the Harry Potter series for like the 10th time

Young and reckless, **** the consequences

I've been thinking about rereading the Inheritance Cycle lately, that was the book series I really loved as a kid.

I went catatonic during PHP this morning...

HUGS @childofchaos831

Tapatalk is a big problem again. I don't remember my login info and I'm not sure if I just paid for it or whether the $15 is just monthly now.

I don't use Tapatalk anymore, I just go onto the site using my phones web browser when I'm not on my laptop, I was getting too many notifications with it

That's a really good idea. Not sure what to do. I just paid $15.00 and I'd like to keep using Tapatalk but they make it so hard.

The vyvanse wore off and now I can't focus

Or it was the glass of orange juice that I drank idk

It's over. My boss had an accountant, I hired a tax attorney, and they didn't do squat. Me and my boss tackled it head on and it's over thanks to us. This thing would have taken over a month to reselve otherwise. Jesus Christ. I will never let it come to this ever again. That was the second worst campus rush ever, second only to the one where I was in a delusion.

I updated my ABOUT page on my blog after a year of not touching it

Wrote a cryptic blog post and don't know what to do regarding work. My job right now is garbage and I want to quit it. I also don't know what the heck to do with my future.

Just realized these are normal worries. I guess that's good...

Also I want to be a creative person for a job but there's no way it will "pay the bills" according to my parents.

Does this quote that I wrote make sense?

"Anything can made possible in the universe as true, objectively, or as real (Agreed without knowing it's an illusion or collectively by humans by applying subjective panpsychism of matter without evidence) and beyond that is what is beyond space where anything can be anything, (Undefined and not yet existing future defined consciousness of all existing and non existing reality). It is possible to use physics to defy the laws of physics which doesn't make sense until it does, like building a time machine."

It could have some oxymorons in it but other than not wanting to spend my time writing any more of it, it could make sense (If it doesn't).

The high dose psilocybin trip made this thinking worse for me in terms of psychosis, but better for me in terms of how interesting the thoughts can be.

And then pantheism is a whole other thing that settles down to agnosticism when I'm feeling depressed.

But I used to be an atheist before the shrooms, yet still had psychosis. I just was just more confused than I am now.

So basically psychosis has nothing to do with any of this autistic-like thinking because psychosis is a set of a majority of symptoms such as hallucinations (Which psychedelics cause, which is why they're called hallucinogens).

It just doesn't make sense to me and I need to make sense of this if antipsychotics for schizophrenia is controlling my life and without, psychosis is ruining my life for myself and other people.

They don't even know if antipsychotics cause loss of grey matter or if it's the psychosis itself. Am I supposed to just trust the psychiatrist of western society while all the good things in life come from mystical **** and I have to think about my mom going to heaven because she has cancer? Does that mean people that I love dying makes psychosis worse because it's stress?

Like what? It's all subjective and I think the main thing is to just shut up and stop thinking about these things while the illuminati mess with us and people "Wake up" and become enlightened and all this spiritual stuff..

It's crazy tbh..

I suppose this forum is for getting better and trusting the psychiatrist.. yet many don't trust when they're sick.. and also, we don't really get better 100%. So finding a way to get better has to be either WAIT for the future (Which may never come. The world can end).

So yeah.. And I think about helping you guys in a way that I can and I'm not sure if I should tell the truth (Like for example: BB said a psychiatrist could be poisoning her to make her worse to get rid of mental illness.. I said NO but there's a possibility that a few doctors could be doing that because they're psychopaths unless that's my paranoia and if it's real, it's my delusion. But it's best to not complicate things and allow people to get better which is a social thing and I'm socially intelligent so it's all good.. But I wonder if it's better to tell the truth.. talk about things..).

I was intrigued when I was a kid that I had a deep conversation with friends about God not being real for like a few minutes. It didn't start that way because I was thinking about that stuff in my head.. growing up catholic when I was apathetic towards it but yeah..

Sorry guys I'm just venting. Ignore me..

Meds kicked in. That was hell at the end (Thought I was going to panic). It got me into wanting to read dostoevsky (Do you know of him day tripper?).

Had a headache but it's going away. Gonna be hiking in the morning and hopefully I'm not as anxious.

I was looking at my med stand and I can hear my dads voice saying "That's crazy. Only crazy people would do that. What is wrong with you?".

So I'm still trying to figure out my life and doing things it's taking it's time but eventually I'll be better.. than being thrown in the trash by my ex step dad.

I'm sorry if I upset you Desoxyn