Roll Call 153

Congrats SP!

Going to have to start taking Zantac again for the silent gerd. I've been coughing a lot

Thanks guys 😀

I'm so agitated right now

My mom Is feeling slightly better today, for some reason they didn’t give her steroids with the chemo this time. I already sent one note to cheer her up but she hasn’t gotten it yet.

Okay I think I know why I'm so irritable today, lack of sleep and started my period

I hope I can sleep tonight. I still got lots of energy. I gotta work tomorrow.

REM sleep is very important for memory and solving problems.

If the brain activity of a mouse is to be monitored while going through a maze, the same patterns are repeated when the brain is monitored when the mouse is sleeping.

When humans study a maze and go to sleep afterwards, they are more likely to get it right by finding best way to go through the maze when the frontal lobe is switched off which shuts off logic and reasoning.

I feel like I've gone crazy/insane and I've passed the point of no return. Meds only works for a little while and then they stop. I feel better when I first get out of the hospital, but then I always get suicidal again and the demons never stay away for good. They haven't even left me in over a year now... They've just been there the whole time, some times better than others. I've started going catatonic in addition to dissociating. Sometimes I'm aware and sometimes I'm not... I feel like there is no saving me at this point... What's the point of trying and fighting if it's all going to be in vain? If it's just going to always get worse again, what is the effing point?

Every time I close my eyes I feel like im being watched and am in danger

It's just a thing that happens. There's alway many ways to get better.. just not knowing how.. How are other people well? Their brains are working properly.. You can't give up. Keep surviving. Maybe you don't have the proper treatment team, the right meds, something bad happened to you which you're currently thinking about.. and then there's the maintaining on top of all of those things like taking care of yourself mentally and physically like anyone else would. It's a load of crap that you need to think about on top of mental illness and how to deal with it and be better (But you're just maintaining not going off into the deep end).

It's a lot of work. Then people judge you for what you do and you have thoughts of outside forces playing you like a game.

Everything can be really beautiful, calm, awakening and full of life experience. No one wants to die when the afterlife is a mystery or whether or not it even exists.. if it doesn't exist, then everything that is your ego is what wants to stay alive and the only thing that makes you want to die is the pain.

It can feel like when you're in the state of feeling dysphoric and having paranoia and delusions that you'll be this way forever with periods of just being "OK" in between so like, "Is it worth it?". It always is. It's not a choice because you never know if you're dead.

Try doing things to distract yourself (Coping mechanisms) like making tea, just sitting down and thinking even though it's agony because your brain is trying to figure things out along with the chemical imbalance. Depression and psychosis is a form of addiction because you're always constantly stuck in a loop, feeding off itself. If there was a way to reset the brain to default mode, you'd see that everything that you are can be changed. We're constantly changing and you don't have to be stuck in the hell that you're in.

Mental illness is basically thought loops. When you're stuck in a loop, you don't try to get out of it only and you don't only go along with it. You do both, using humour and spontaneous thoughts to change the curve while not trying to get out of the thought loop completely because if you do that, it just comes back twice a strong.

Thanks desoxyn. I need to remember that maintaining isn't bad in and of itself. Sometimes, it's all we can manage.

That's great, SP! How long do you need to be there?

Yes, I have some catatonic features too. I can just zone out without TV or music or anything in one position on my bed and time just passes.

I'm not sure what the point of everything is, but I believe we are tested/challenged on Earth. And life might feel like it takes forever, but we're here and back in the blink of an eye.

Are you at your apartment? I hope those feelings wear off.

I'm at my grandparents right now actually.

And thank you

Wow, good post, Desoxyn.

So, apparently my friend made his friend really happy for her birthday. She said they rented a car and that she'll tell me more tomorrow. I'm jealous and pissed off. I don't know how many days they spent together.

Meanwhile there's a hanging in a corner of the bathroom. If it disappears I won't know where it went.

My friend has been in a very good mood this trip. I sure don't make him that happy. All I am hoping for now is that he buys all the stuff I want (out of the money that I had in savings).

First on the list, thanks to the threatened vape ban, is a Zamplebox. I can't stock up for a long time but I can hopefully have some decent juices for two months.

Anyone who supports vaping should send a tweet (or two) to Donald Trump. Things are really making me wonder what's going on. He said last Wednesday that he doesn't like vaping but he was impressed it's a multibilllion dollar industry, but he's considering a flavor ban. Within 72 hours he reversed himself, saying he liked vaping as an alternative to smoking. I'm wondering if he's really so flip floppy or is he playing a mind game on vapers.

Anyway, if he does go through with the flavor ban he'll lose his second term. There are an estimated 10 million vapers in the US. If even a fraction of that number doesn't vote for Trump he'll lose. I believe he is well aware about vaping, I just don't know what he's doing.

Depends on how fast I take courses but I want internships etc so could be up to four years, it’s only 36 credits so it can be finished in a year if you’re fast but I don’t think I have that in me tbh.

I had a panic attack. It started after I watched 3x 22m "Explained" documentaries in a row and then I walked to the gas station to buy a coke and listen to a podcast. I noticed that the conversation sounded quite awkward when I never noticed that before. Then I was walking in a dark alleyway and thinking if I should turn back and go home but I didn't. When buying the bottle of coke, the woman at the counter was counting change and I had to stand there not knowing what to do. I walked back, deep breaths and then got home and took a benzo to try and go to bed but then it got worse until it kicked in.

When I started feeling better, I smoked CBD flower which made me feel even more better and now I'm drinking chamomile tea.

It's the same time as last year when my panic attacks first started getting really bad.. something about the cold and darkness because I'm afraid of the dark.

Also it could have been the 5mg psilacetin so I threw that away. I'm not doing psychs anymore. I know what I need to know to work on myself and I have psychosis so I shouldn't be doing that.

Listening to the sound of rain on youtube helps. I'll put it on when I'm sleeping.

"Roluperidone exhibits no affinity for dopaminergic, muscarinic, cholinergic and histaminergic receptors. Roluperidone has no direct dopaminergic post-synaptic blocking effects, known to be involved in some side effects like extrapyramidal symptoms, sedation, prolactin increases and weight gain."

Sounds promising. Let's just hope it works as they say it should! Would truly be a game changer

Same with the prednisone honestly. Look up the side effects of prednisone which is also a steroid . I actually cannot take it because my symptoms flare up big time

You said yesterday that you were depressed today... did it change