Roll Call 156

Going to mass this evening. Picked out a nice outfit. Gotta take a shower later. Nervous but looking forward to going

Just got home and my dad is upset cuz I didnt ask them to check the brake fluid and other things. I didnt even know I had to ask.

My mom came over and dropped off the turkey her church gave her. I had fallen asleep. I'm not so much tired anymore. I just dont feel rested.

This morning was hard, having to wait like almost 2 hours for my oil change.

My mom seems different. Idk. When she put the turkey on the table, she seemed like she was nervous. She said she had to go. It was only like a 5 min visit. Not even. When I call her now, she just doesnt seem the same. Like she never says anything to me anymore. If I call now i always make it somewhat short, but she doesnt add anything in. And she hasnt pestered me about anything. I'm not sure if it's something I did, or she thinks, or if just calling her not much anymore is making her this way. I havent called her in like 3 days, but she came over today. I honestly just dont have the time anymore.

And btw, I know some people wonder what I'm doing nowadays. I get messages from FR, SP, and some others, and then family and other friends. But I legit just dont have time to really stay on the phone and talk anymore for long periods of time. I see some messages, some I dont, but it seems like everyone messages me when I'm so busy, like if I'm working or doing errands, or whatever.

I cant say I like this life much. I mean I love what I'm doing, but I dont have a social life anymore. I miss being able to call friends or get on snap for hours. Or here. It's easier here tho, because I can write what I need and close tapatalk when I'm busy, and then come back later.

But honestly, I feel awful. I cant really communicate with anyone anymore. It's weird, because I wanted this life like even 5 years ago. I had wished I was so busy I didnt need to contact anyone. And now it's very lonely. I'm either at work now, doing hobbies (sort of. They are part of me building my career), doing errands, or using what little free time I have to sleep or just watch tv.

So I'm sorry to everyone.

Another panic attack

I know that sucks.

Tried kratom for the first time this afternoon. Wow, it reminds me a little of poppers because they both make you instantly high and then wear off. I couldn't buy any because they were out of capsules. Got 10 more disposables and I hope I can wean myself off of the excess nicotine. I started using them at night and now I crave them everyday. No dry hits. I'd almost prefer to use a disposable pod because air flow is good and no dry hits. Have to change my coil and fill the tank at 4pm.

I missed getting my nails done at 2. They have at least two new colors, a dark blue and a dark red. Both of them are calling my name lol. I still haven't taken off my last polish which was my light blue because I'm afraid of stinking up the place with nail polish remover.

My friend looked wonderful today.

How are you doing?

I'm okay. I made it through yesterday's panic attack without a klonopin but had to take one today because it was escalating to being paranoid about there being some unknown object lodged in my throat since my throat felt tight and like it was closing. I'm hoping these panic attacks stop. I usually get a week of really bad ones right after whenever my abilify is increased

Thank you

You can vape kratom? Is it an extract?

I Googled it. It's a thing D:

That would be so good for your anxiety And tolerance doesn't build that much because it doesn't last very long by inhaling.

Did you tell your pdoc about that? Abilify made me too physically tense and restless. Come to think of it, I might have had more anxiety when I was taking it. You shouldn't have to suffer with heightened anxiety and panic.

No, the shopkeeper had kratom tea made and he gave me maybe 8 oz to drink there. I would never vape anything except ejuice.

Not yet. The thing is once I'm adjusted to a new dose of it things always go really well. It works so good for voices and paranoid delusions that I always stick it out. It was increased to 15mg a week and a half ago. It just takes a bit of time for me to get used to it. The first two weeks are always bad for my anxiety

Yes, I felt like it was worn off but then I remembered how I felt on tiz which I love, and I kind of feel like that on kratom. He gave me a variety for pain. I'll worry about tolerance after I get some capsules next time. I'm already panicking at the thought of being without the disposable vape pods. Craving it all day today. I hope I can control myself and not use it before bed time.

Well, you know best which meds are worth the initial anxiety. I hope it goes away soon and you feel much better.

Are there any short-term remedies you can use for your anxiety such as clonazepam or alprazolam, or do you prefer not to take those, or does your doctor not prescribe things like that?

I currently take 30 mg of Abilify and it has never increased my anxiety, but I also take Zyprexa (I'm on a pretty complex cocktail of meds).

I've always found the Zyprexa works better for things like paranoia, etc., but I am sure you have your reasoning for preferring Abilify.

Anyway, I hope the anxiety goes away!

Or maybe no one cares. Idk.

Thank you!

I have klonopin for prn. I'm not 100% sure if it's the abilify or Thorazine that's working for the paranoia since I started them around the same time, could be both together. I'm also on a moodstabilizer and some other meds , it kind of feel a chemistry experiment lol but so far this combo is working really well

To be fair I do also have panic disorder. So it might not even be the abilify that's causing the anxiety to increase. It could just be me.

Are you okay?

I like watching documentaries. They help calm me down. Just watched one on Yellowstone national park

I typed like 2 posts for everyone to read, but I guess no one read them.

I read them, I usually put a hugs on them if I want to offer support but don't know what to say