Roll Call 157

16 days until the The Rise of Skywalker!!

Thanks so much! I needed that affirmation!

Went and bought bath towels, shower curtain, and a spatula.

Anyone ever just wake up and think to themselves “holy **** how is this actually my life” and then dissociate or whatever and realize they don’t actually care?

So I rarely call my mom now, and apparently calling her today, she has no time for me. And claims again I have all this free time. So, you know what, let's scale back calling her even more. How about I just dont at all? Yea.

Wow that actually sucks I’m sorry.

Kinda like this?

yes. Lol.

I know for a fact I'm busier than her. And she wants to claim I have more free time than her. Ok. That's fine. Quit telling me I don't have a life. Let me just stop calling, period. You'll never hear from me.

I go many times, "My life is great right now".. but then think .. "What about all these pictures in my head.. and thoughts.. They were manifesting in my dreams last night.. What if I'm just a hallucination? 99.999% of material is just space.. We are cosmic microwave background radiation.. Do my thoughts control what happens? Surely they do for the future.. I don't believe there's free will.. There's time travellers about.. What about the stargate hidden in the sand? Is that why there's a war in the middle east? What if their religions are true? What if I kill someone? What if I kill myself? We are decaying and regenerating as we speak... Everything is in decay"

So yeah my thoughts go on and on like that...

I think things liken to this at times, typically at night. I don’t tend towards self destruction though because I don’t think of my self. More like the idea of what a self would look like if I actually had one. Because I don’t have one. Not in the normal sense of self way.

I dont understand. I just dont. My mom called me back and I told her how I felt about her telling me I have all this free time. She went and tried to interject what she does for me. I said "theres times in life, that you shouldn't say certain things out of respect for other people". She doesnt get that. Everytime I wanna talk about how I feel towards her, she says "I know, but I do this and this for you". THIS ISNT ABOUT U. how do people not get that?

My mom works so hard and is tired all the time but she pretends that she's fine.

Psychosis makes you trip.. To trip is to dissolve the ego and reveal the soul. Build your ego and identify with things (Even though that sucks).

When the time comes, you will die. That will reveal the soul and you'll wake up from the dream within a dream within a dream.

She will never give you what you need from her. She loves you but her love language is different with yours. If I were you I’d still call her but I’d keep the conversation shallow to avoid conflicts. I know it hurts when people that we love don’t understand us, especially if they’re our parents

Yes. I think I will call her even less tho. I call her now maybe 2 or 3 times a week. Will be only once a week now if I can help it.

I have a very odd problem, it’s contrary to what most people struggle with. I have a weaker sense of self to begin with because it’s not distinct. There is no self. I have no definition. No “this is where I end and you begin”, it’s weird because I’m not a borderline or something. I had a very scary experience last week that’s very much like what you describe with your experiences on drugs, that apparently yep it wasn’t in my head ... I was going along last week like normal but I had some kind of psychotic episode and ugh ... it was like I never lived ... there is no “I”, no emphasis ... I wish I had an “I”, it ****s things up, I’m so dissociative but I can’t even have DID. I can’t have a personality disorder because I have no personhood. It’s weird. Nothing there. I’m like a ghost. I know I’m crazy but I’m also right.

Identity disturbance from PTSD? Could it be that?

I got a bath and body works shampoo and it really dries my hair. My hair doesn’t like fancy shampoo apparently, good!

Hm. I'm not sure b&b works is fancy. Fancy would be more like designer. I wouldn't trust that store with my hair honestly. I went to Ulta today and looked at the Kim Kardashian makeup line.

It’s very pricey here at least 5 times drugstores shampoo. Did you get anything from Ulta? Are you looking for something specific?

I wondered if it could be that, it’s possible.

I used to feel that way too and I have PTSD

It’s very odd isn’t it? I can’t shake it off either, it’s what everything comes back to. Any sense of self I try to create always apart, because there is nothing solid there to begin with. It always feels like I’m disappearing because there is no me, i can’t even hate myself because there is no self to hate! Crazy isn’t it?

The cognitive effects that can happen with dissociative drugs (Ketamine for example are focus suppression, introspection, memory suppression, personal bias suppression, spatial disorientation, suggestibility enhancement, thought deceleration, time distortion, cognitive and physical disconnection, existential self-realization, identity alteration.

You could be having depersonalization and derealization (Dissociation). It can last from an hour to a week or more.

A benzo would help to get you out of it if you're also feeling anxious because of it. Seroquel or olanzepine can help too.