Roll Call 157

I need to take it easy. I'm always wanting to go forward.. just no stopping.. even while I'm relaxing I have to do something.. I never get bored or run out of things to do.. but sorting important things out.. everything is important.. even sitting still.. but i can't do that.. I don't know what to do.. I'm freaking out....

It's time to freak out because I can't focus.

But no.. idk

I think I'm dissociating from the exercise. But I'll try to ignore it.

It's because I haven't exercised enough. I need to do lots at least an hour or not at all.

Maybe a mini batch?

Yeah I just made some I'll post a pic in a few minutes

Here's some

Nice!....

Session with Pastor T went better than expected. We made a better safety plan than the one my other T made with me. Pastor T said that I need to count the days that I’m suicidal. BC I am suicidal a lot. If it starts to be three days in a row then I need to reach out to three friends and have one check on me in the morning, one in the afternoon, one in the evening and call regular T. If that isn’t enough support in three more days then it’s time to go to the hospital. I need to find which psych hospital by me takes my insurance ahead of time so I’m not doing this in a crises. And I need to talk to my three friends ahead of time so that they aren’t freaked out when it happens. And I need to talk to God about suicide being unacceptable behavior. He said I’m kind of past his skill set with my hallucinations and I start spiraling out of nowhere. So that kind of scares me that he thinks I’m past his skill set, but I’m seeing him again next week. He prayed for me at the end. Hugs Kit

I hope you'll feel better soon. I used to think about suicide a lot but now that I'm older it's sort of moot because I'm getting so much closer to the end.

It's almost 1:30am. I'm not sure why I'm not sleepy. I don't think I drank too much coffee or anything. Felt dysphoric after dinner, lost and alone, and I had no idea how to make myself feel better. I had some candy and it didn't do the trick. Then I suddenly remembered I have prns and I was elated. So I took an Ativan. My headphones are charging. Wondering if I should have a bag of Cheezits. Thinking yes even though it kills my diet.

I wish they had a blue cheese flavor.

Couldn't sleep last night. Got maybe 3.5 hours. Oh well. I was upset and worried about a coworker. So I was Skyping the owner of the company at 2 AM. I'm not upset at the coworker. The coworker is upset, not at me, but about something that happened Friday. She and I texted about it last night. So since the owner gets up early bc she is in NY, I was able to text her this morning. Hugs Kit

Good morning!

Had a really deep sleep. I'm in the waiting room cuz my mom is doing radiation right now. I feel better this morning than I was last night after I used the treadmill.

I took 2g phenibut when I should take 1g but I want to be carefree and happy. I have a real low mood problem without it.

Just got off work. They needed me to work for an hour and a half. They said I could come in later tomorrow tho. So ima sleep tha fck in tomorrow!

Everything is heavenly beautiful.. and I'm so good at giving advice.. I'm myself.. But..

It will end.. and I will apathetisize myself.. All things end.. moods, thoughts.. We reincarnated from babies to children to adults.. then we die and reincarnate again..

The water we drink is older than the planet itself.. 4.5 billion years.. The solar system was a cloud.. it spinned around and around...

Why? Is the mist in my tears create life? No.. No...

Ignore previous post. It was nonsense.

Now I'm gonna sit down, focus .. and read book.. Block out all the madness in my mind.. Vyvanse..

I will quote this post one day when I'm feeling terrible and I will remember the good days when I wasn't suffering... Just a little suffering..

I think I know what fiance got me for Christmas.

According to when I last saw his bank account and how much he told me had left. I can conclude that he spent 90 dollars on me. He said he also bought me 2 things.

I believe one of them is a switch game!!! Those cost 60 bucks.

Oh yea. And I'm entering in the pokemon league championship in January 2020.

I can't. Do things..

This is the best I can explain it.. I scream into the interwebs and tell doctors about it but they have no idea what I'm talking about..

I googled "I can't do things" and found this on reddit;

"Why can't I just do things?
I find myself way too often lacking enough motivation to just do things.

I just sit here, with this invisible cloak of sadness surrounding me. Sometimes it's not even sadness, it's just infinite boredom or nothingness, I just don't feel like doing anything.

I feel like I don't want to do anything apart from getting distracted by a lot of different stuff on the internet that I am interested in, but that do not require me to actively engage with the thing in a productive manner.

What makes me angry is that I DO want to do things, I really do. I have an artistic personality, I feel the urge to create, sketch, produce (not necessarily) meaningful things for me and for others to see, experience, enjoy. I just can't right now, and it's been like this for a while.

I'm 22 now, and I actually remember being like this for short or long periods of time since I was a really young teenager, but I really don't remember exactly how I felt, and it wasn't really that bad I guess. I do remember not wanting to leave the house or even my room many, many times and feeling uncomfortable around people that were not my friends or part of my family.

Sometimes I can't concentrate for more than five, even three minutes on the things I want to do without having negative thoughts and just starting to overthink everything in a totally unhealthy way, until I end up getting distracted by something new.

I know I should go out to do grocery shopping, I just really don't want to.

These kind of feelings are almost always with me, but they are particularly intense when there is something I am not comfortable with, like the stress for exams or deadlines.

I have an exam tomorrow, and an essay to write for Tuesday, but I can't study. They are both about things I care about and I am really interested in, but I can't focus. I just feel like ****."

But no one gave any meaningful answers on how to fix this..

And all these people seem to be in the their early 20's.

I don't get this.

What is it that you want to do, but can’t?

Desoxyn, I'm still gonna try to draw that picture for u.

I have the opposite problem. I can’t slow the **** down ...

Sorry I havent really replied to u. Trying to get back in the swing of having u here. Its been a very long time. Maybe a year or two.