Voices of Recovery

All right, I'll set myself a goal.

That is, to have submitted my recovery story by December 31st, 2008.

Just got diagnosed with schizophrenia by a different pdoc, after 1 and a half hours of intensive talking, and also was told I'd have to take meds for the rest of my life but the first thing I did was smile to myself and remember this thread.

Never going to see that pdoc again!

Even if he is right, even if I am schizophrenic.. It doesn't matter.

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I do look forward to reading your recovery story at some point Katie_Kaboom. I accept that I may not read it in Dec, 2008 or even Dec, 2009 because recovery speaks in its own voice and follows its own schedule. And yet, I have no doubt that I will read it when it is ready to be read. To everything, there is a season.

<center><font color=191970>~*~

<img src=http://www.annebaring.com/images/bar_voyage.jpg>

One day
you finally knew
what you had to do,
and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late ...
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.

But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds.
And there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~</center>

See Also:
[*] Schizophrenia & The Hero's Journey
[*] Visionary Experience & Culture

Music of the Hour:

> Mary Oliver

I had not heard of her before. From Wikipedia:

Mary Oliver was born on September 10, 1935, in Cleveland, Ohio. As a teenager, she lived for a brief while in the home of the deceased Edna St. Vincent Millay...

It goes on in such a way as to suggest that that was not while the deceased was still there...

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A new voice...

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No Such Thing as False Hope

At the NAMI Texas Rally on March 26, 2003, I announced (much to my own surprise) that I had recovered from a serious mental illness.* I said this to a large crowd without any prior planning, as I did not even know that I was going to speak that day. Five months have passed since then and I am still “blown away” by my own words! Several people have asked me how I reached this place in my life, but I do not have one simple answer. So, I wanted to take this opportunity to share a bit of what I endured and moreover, what I have learned about myself.

In 1981, I encountered my first mental breakdown and spent a total of two years in hospitals in Dallas. That experience is so memorable that I even remember my admittance and discharge dates. What is most memorable is the pain and the loss of hope that plagued me every morning when I awoke in a locked unit amongst others like me. I was dependent on hospital staff to meet my every need and frightened by that loss of control over my environment. Yet nothing was more terrifying than my own loss of control over my thinking and my behavior. I was tormented by voices that shamed my every move while ordering me to be the most influential person in the world. I was given heavy doses of anti-psychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers but my thinking and worse, my behavior, remained bizarre and uncontrollable for several months. Eventually I began to show small signs of improvement and when I became somewhat stable on medication, I was offered the full array of therapies-psychotherapy, group therapy, music and art therapy, and relaxation and exercise classes. I credit these therapies in helping me to gain enough control of my thoughts and actions to be released to the “outside” world.

For the next fifteen years, however, I was hospitalized over 30 times due to suicide attempts or my inability to take care of myself. Most of that time was spent in a reality that no one else could understand. I often referred to myself as “Queen of the Alphabet” and surrounded myself with three people who were both allies and enemies. Sometime in 1996 however, I came to the understanding that these three people were characters of my imagination. While many would define that delusion as “nuts”, I think I needed them to make sense of my world. More importantly, I needed them in order to stay alive.

In looking back on those years, I recognize a foundation of hope that I protected so that I could eventually lead a life outside of my illness. I yearned to be like other adults who worked and supported themselves. I craved financial independence and dreamed of a home that I paid for myself, without the help of my parents and social security disability insurance. I wanted a partner to share my life with and I wanted friends with whom I could be comfortable and friends that would like me. And now I have all that! And more!

My recovery from this illness did not happen overnight, nor did it happen in a vacuum of the right medications and my own motivation. Granted, I needed (and still need) the right medications to clear my thinking and balance my wild emotions, but without people in my life that believed in me and gave me the chance to believe in myself, I would not have come this far.

I can point to one defining moment when the direction of my recovery changed. I had recently started a new medication that was working well and I asked my therapist how to live the life that I wanted. She began her answer with, “Well, I don’t want to give you any false hope.” That statement was all I needed to hear to trust my own inner knowing and my faith that God was leading me into a fulfilling and meaningful life. I do not believe that hope can ever be false. I see now that she was concentrating on my illness instead of my wholeness and my instinct to get well and stay well. I walked out of her office and removed myself from that way of thinking and have not looked back. There is no such thing as false hope.

Mental health providers have focused on relapse prevention and maintenance for so long that they bought into the notion that recovery was not possible. My mission in my volunteer and paid work with NAMI Texas and NAMI Austin is to step out of that closet of debilitating stigma and share my truth. The truth for me, and many people diagnosed with a serious mental illness, is that RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE!

My hope is that all persons with a serious mental illness will reach a level of wellness that they never imagined possible. Recovery means something different to everyone and while there is no cure for serious mental illnesses, there is support, education and advocacy available for all of us.

On September 6, 2005, I celebrated six years as a staff member of NAMI Texas. There were many days, especially in the first 2 years, when I wanted to succumb to my fear and my lack of self-confidence, but I put one foot in front of the other and have grown with each step. I have learned how to be resilient when I have a difficult day by focusing on the joys in my life…like my two dogs and three cats, my partner of 7 years, my beautiful home, my healthy 26 year old daughter, my rich spiritual life and more.

Let’s all move forward to EXPECT RECOVERY from ourselves, our family members and our mental health delivery system.

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“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed people can change the world: indeed it's the only thing that ever has!”

–Margaret Mead

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Diana Kern
September, 2005

*In saying that “I have recovered from a serious mental illness”, I do not mean that I am cured. I am saying that I have recovered to a level of wellness that permits me to lead a meaningful and productive life. I still must take medication to keep my brain well.

Source: Expect Recovery: No Such Thing As False Hope

Music of the Hour:

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> there is no cure for serious mental illnesses...

There is no cure for life, either.

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You can help spread Diana's message of hope (her story is above) by ordering some very reasonably priced Expect Recovery! bracelets for yourself, family and friends.

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New voice...
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Hello everyone. My name is Spencer. I have recovered from schizophrenia, and for many years now, I have lived symptom and side effect free from the illness. ...

To start with, I will give you a bit of insight into my experience with the illness, and then I would like to briefly touch upon my areas of interest, the holistic and transpersonal areas of psychosis.

My first encounter with the illness occurred when I was 20, with a good 10 months of after depression before finding my foundations again. Since then, I have encountered another 3 mild relapses, lasting no longer than 2 to 3 weeks, and for each encounter I have recovered back to normal regular health again. It has now been over 2.5 years since my last encounter, and I now feel I have the experience and insight to prevent further relapses.

However, there is no 100 percent guarantee that I will never encounter another relapse again in my life, but with everything I have gained from my 10 years of experience, I now have substantial tools and armoury to prevent such again, and will do everything in my power to continue to do so. And speaking bluntly, if someone as ordinary as myself has the capacity to conquer this devastating illness, then anyone else has just as much ability, if not more so, to overcome it.

Read the complete article: Spencer John Perdriau: Holistic Ethics of Psychosis


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New voice...

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If I am getting health, within my limits, it is only because I believed in myself. I woke up one day and realized that I wasn’t “mentally ill” in the traditional sense, and that I would have to do all the work myself, if I wanted to survive. Recovery simply wasn’t built into the mental health system. It was designed by “Big Nurse” to warehouse the very lost and battered; to avoid paying the true expenses of taking care of those with PTSD, though it wasn’t called that at the time. I give the most credit to the Eugene Rescue Mission where I lived for years. It helped because it wasn’t connected to the mental health system. No one there forced me to take drugs that dulled my mind, no one there labeled me crazy or defective. I had a cot in a large dorm, simple food, and a very simple job folding newspapers for their recycling program. Let me repeat that: I was aided the most by someone giving me sanctuary from the highly degreed shrinks and their soul-shriveling labels. I lived among equals, men who were equally damaged, distant ghosts unbound by family or relationships. ...

I don’t have degree from Yale or Harvard, but I would match the education I received in Norwich State Hospital, Northamption VA Hospital, the Eugene Mission, and years on the street, with the education of any psychiatrist. I sat in the Mission and the hospitals and, within limits, learned what terror and horror and hopelessness felt like. I watched where it came from, how impossible it is to get rid of (broken hearts never heal), and above all, I learned that we are remarkably resilient, we human beings, if we get a chance to relax and relearn love. Recovery isn’t about being “cured”, as many of us never had a disease in the first place. It is about relearning to love who we really are, and to accept the daily burden of our struggle as just something we share with most other humans.

Source: Hugh Massengill: Madness is a Doorway We Ourselves Create


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nice...

> I woke up one day and realized that I wasn’t “mentally ill” in the traditional sense, and that I would have to do all the work myself, if I wanted to survive.

Thank You.
I hope that you do not mind but I have linked to your site on my personal blog. I have started to take a good long look at my life and just started looking it in the eye. I am determined to control it instead of it controlling me Please take a look when you have time. I have a long way to go with it. Reading these posts are the best I have felt in a long time and are the closest to my feeling as I have ever come across. Thank You, thank you, thank you! I wish you all Peace of Mind!
Please visit at: http://whisperslastforever.spaces.live.com/

Hello whispers.

I read your story. Parts of it were very beautiful and other parts brought a great sense of heaviness to my heart. It sounds as if the world could be a very frightening place to you when you were young and that it can still be a frightening place to you now.

I think you're right about the whispers of a child staying with a person through their life and that these whispers bring important information...

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They are messengers and they have a message. They are related to sincere problems that occurred in the person’s life and they tell us about those problems. Therefore it is not wise to kill the messenger. Instead of not-listening to the message we should look how to help and sustain the person in solving their problems.

Source: Redefining Hearing Voices


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I'm pleased to know that there is something in these voices of recovery you hear that gives you hope for your own recovery and healing.

Please know that this is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and experiences. Other people who have had similar, or even the same thoughts and experiences, will often be happy to offer a supportive word or share some information that might help you better understand your experiences and thus, faciliate your own healing.

Welcome to Psych Central.

- Namaste

Thank you for the validation and the kind words. I have linked this last link to my site also. Thank you for taking the time to even read my blog which is more than my "professional" has done. I have seen her a total of two times and she immediately wants to put me on medication because she found out that another Dr. diagnosed schizophrenia. I myself need to get to the bottom of the problem first. This is what I need. Thanks for the POSITIVE, POSITIVE, POSITIVE!!!!
I am not ruling out medication totally, down the line.....but get to know me first or I have no trust in you to give me the correct diagnosis let alone correct cure.

<blockquote>
Hello once more whispers.

I have two book recommendations that I think would be helpful to you at this time. The first book is Models of Madness, edited by Drs. John Read, Loren Mosher and Richard Bentall. One reviewer offers the following...

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Over the past few decades, the psychiatric and pharmaceutical industries have almost completely silenced alternate viewpoints to the biological model of mental disorder. So this critique of the dominant paradigm comes as a breath of fresh air. The 23 scholar-contributors forcefully argue that "schizophrenia" is a scientifically meaningless and socially devastating label. Not only is there no unitary construct of "schizophrenia," these scholars argue, but complex social and environmental factors underlie both the patterns of diagnosis and the expressed symptoms. The authors painstakingly elucidate the roles of poverty, gender, racism, and - most importantly - childhood trauma in adult psychosis. They bring back the now-taboo role of family dynamics, including "expressed emotion" (a euphemism for hostile, critical and overinvolved parenting), communication deviance, and dysfunctional relationships between parents.

Starting with a history of the concept of schizophrenia and its use to incarcerate the poor, the authors move on to an exhaustive, well-researched, and easy-to-understand summary of decades of research findings debunking the biogenetic model. Regarding the role of trauma in the etiology of "schizophrenia," did you know that two-thirds of Israeli mental patients are Holocaust survivors, who have been beaten, strapped to beds, heavily drugged and often kept in solitary confinement for decades? That the structural and functional differences between the brains of "schizophrenics" and "normal" adults are the same differences as those between people who were traumatized versus not traumatized in childhood (e.g., overactive hypothalamic-adrenal-pituitary axis, cerebral atrophy, ventricular enlargements, reversed cerebral asymmetry, and neurotransmitter abnormalities)? Perhaps, some studies suggest, many of the "voices" of schizophrenia patients are thinly disguised expressions of past trauma, projected into the external, present world as a less-than-functional defense.

In the current market-driven paradigm, patients are said to have "insight" if they go along with the biological psychiatrist's viewpoint, which thoroughly discounts their experiences. Far from blaming people, an understanding of the non-biological causes of psychosis can engender hope and - as outlined in the final section of the book - lead to effective treatments.

I could go on, but the book touches so many subjects - psychotropic medications, electroconvulsive therapy, heredity, drug companies, therapies, and much more - that you just need to buy it and read it yourself.


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The second book I think would be insightful for you is Judith Herman's classic, Trauma and Recovery. You can find some excerpts from the book here: Trauma & Recovery: Excerpts

Given your past history you may find it helpful to seek out a therapeutic relationship with a professional well versed in trauma theory and treatment. As far as medication goes, each individual has to make that choice for themselves according to what they believe will be best for them. Some people identify medication as very helpful for them, some people don't.

Best of luck to you, whispers.

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spiritual_emergency quoted:
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Perhaps, some studies suggest, many of the "voices" of schizophrenia patients are thinly disguised expressions of past trauma, projected into the external, present world as a less-than-functional defense.

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What a concept!

Actually, I think this is being more accepted now than in the past. Or am I overly optimistic?

Dear Spiritual Emergency (which is exactly what I feel I am in),
We have crossed paths for a reason! I feel fortunate to have found you in the beginning of my journey. I can not thank you enough for all of your guidance. I am promising you to get these books for my “journey’s backpack”. This episode lasted about 7 weeks. This is the first time that I have decided to get to the root of it and face my past. I am working on my teen years now and will be posting when I can. By 15 I was on the streets again where I was found by someone that was “brutally” prepping me for the sex trade. The FBI got involved with this one. Anyway my point is I think that the bottom line of my problems come from fear and mistrust. Everyone that I should have been able to trust in my (brains) developing years was snatched away causing me to question what and who to believe in (hence the paranoia now). I am on a mission (and no longer embarrassed) to face these fears and heal my mind and my soul. I look forward to standing with you all in the family of recovery! It may take a year and it may take 10 but I will be there and will stand proudly!
Thanks again SE
GODSPEED MY FRIEND.

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pachyderm: Actually, I think this is being more accepted now than in the past. Or am I overly optimistic?

It seems to depend on the circles one moves in. There are some who still attribute psychosis solely to a genetic neurological default and in some cases this may be true -- brain tumors, for example, can produce psychosis. However there are multiple causes of psychosis and many people are willing to recognize that stress and trauma (this doesn't have to be child abuse) seem to play a significant role in the development of psychotic states of consciousness.

Meantime... whispers, I bumped forward an old discussion related to schizophrenia and PTSD. There may be some additional information there that might be helpful to you.

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Another link that may be of importance to you at this time, whispers.

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Introduction - Singing Over the Bones

The archetype of Wild Woman resides in the guts, not in the head. She can track and run and summon and repel. She can sense, camouflage, and love deeply. She is intuitive, typical, and normative. She is utterly essential to women's mental and soul health.

She is the female soul. Yet she is more; she is the source of the feminine. She is all that is of instinct, of the worlds both seen and hidden -she is the basis.

She is intuition, she is far-seer, she is deep listener, she is loyal heart. She encourages humans to remain multilingual; fluent in the languages of dreams, passion, and poetry.

She is the voice that says, "This way, this way..."

She is the one who thunders after injustice. She is the one we leave home to look for. She is the one we come home to. She is the things that keep us going when we think that we're done for.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To adjoin the instinctual nature does not mean to come undone, change everything from left to right, from black to white, to move the east to west, to act crazy or out of control. It does not mean to lose one's primary socializations, or to become less human. It means quite the opposite. The wild nature has a vast integrity to it.

It means to establish territory, to find one's pack, to be in one's body with certainty and pride regardless of the body's gifts and limitations, to speak and act in one's behalf, to be aware, alert, to draw on the innate feminine powers of intuition and sensing, to come into one's cycles, to find what one belongs to, to rise with dignity, to retain as much consciousness as we can.

Source: Women Who Run With The Wolves: Singing Over the Bones


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See also: Empowering Soul Through the Feminine - Marion Woodman

Music of the Hour: Dancing With Skeleton Woman

SE,
You have no idea what you have touched on (and maybe you do). A year and a half ago I lost my grandmother (she is of Indian decent. Apache ( Cherakowa tribe). The only human that I ever totally trusted. 6 months ago I lost two of my surrogate children 3 weeks apart to cancer. (My dogs). I started having visits that I will not go into now. I started living in a dream state and had the constant feeling that there were multiple beings around me constantly and that I was feeling all of human emotions at their rawest. At the same time I felt that I was evolving into something higher than I have ever known. I had the sense that I was caught between this world and another ancient all knowing spiritual world. Then I had a dream that I was surrounded by Native Americans in full dress. I was sitting on the ground with my head down and they were close around me in a circle the were doing something with my head but every time that I would look up to see their faces the circle would expand into a bigger circle out of my reach and their backs were all to me. I will not bore you with the rest but I came out of this with a sense of understanding and my grief was not so heavy. I also came out of this with a sense of power over the (non positive visits). I hope this condensed version makes sense to you at least a little. Anyway
Thanks for guiding me to the KEYS:
The deceitful promise of the predator is that the woman will become a queen in some way, when in fact her murder is being planned. There is a way out of all this, but one must have a key.
And know that I am GATHERING THE BONES:
You wish psychoanalytic advice?
Go gather bones.
Again I have linked this to my site.

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whispers: A year and a half ago I lost my grandmother (she is of Indian decent. Apache ( Cherakowa tribe). The only human that I ever totally trusted.

I recall reading about your grandmother in your earlier story and the warmth with which you spoke of her. It was apparent she was someone who was very important to you.

I lost two of my surrogate children 3 weeks apart to cancer. (My dogs).

I've had dogs that I've loved too. I bawled my eyes out when they died.

I started having visits that I will not go into now. I started living in a dream state and had the constant feeling that there were multiple beings around me constantly and that I was feeling all of human emotions at their rawest. the same time I felt that I was evolving into something higher than I have ever known. I had the sense that I was caught between this world and another ancient all knowing spiritual world.

Here's another link for you, whispers: When the Dream Becomes Real: Mental Breakdown as Healing.

This one might also be useful to you: How to Produce an Acute Schizophrenic Break.

In addition, this excerpt may also be meaningful...

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What is Schizophrenia?

A good question, with no simple, short, or straightforward answer, since each sufferer is unique and schizophrenia is a complex phenomenon. In general, schizophrenia is an extremely introverted, psychospiritual mode of perception, or way of relating to the world; or state of consciousness involving (what I have called) 'extreme empathy'. This simultaneous blessing and curse is due to a fragile, fragmented, dead, or lost ego, or conscious personality structure. The normal, ego-enforced boundaries between the self and the world have broken down, such that schizophrenia sufferers - for better and worse - find themselves identifying with everything within their scope of perception. It is because of this ego loss, or 'dis-integration' that psychosis, shamanic initiation and mystical experience are so inextricably bound.

Source: Dr. Maureen Roberts: What is Schizophrenia?


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Clarissa Pinkola Estes, John Weir Perry, Marion Woodman and Maureen Roberts are all Jungian trained. I found the work of the Jungians to be most insighful for me in terms of interpreting, understanding, and moving through my own experience.

And now, I'll try to stop throwing links at you for a while -- I'm sure you have plenty enough to read and reflect upon at the moment.

SE: Said
And now, I'll try to stop throwing links at you for a while -- I'm sure you have plenty enough to read and reflect upon at the moment.

ha, ha, ha, ha,! My friend.... what you have thrown me are ropes for me to pull myself up! But yes, I am glad for One-Note and its ability to help keep me organized. I will probably not be back for a couple of days for I am preparing for the battle of my life.
Thank you wise one (I bow).
PS. song of the hour was right on time!
Peace of mind to all of your reading!

peace to you also whispers...