Roll Call 166!

HUGS @newtus

Went home early yesterday from work because of the migraine. Slept three hours after I got home, woke up, felt much better. I totally crashed. I was sleeping in my parents room because my Mom decided to change my sheets and my bedding and my bed wasn't made for me to sleep on it. My Dad came in and took a shower and I never even knew I was so gone to the world. So today I came in early so I could make up some time that I missed. Tomorrow I will come in early too that way I still have my 40 hours. I had to just get out of the shower and throw my hair into a bun so I could get here early though, but it worked. My friend at work was having eye surgery today. To remove cataracts. She texted me to tell me she is done and she is okay. I'm glad because I was worried. They did one eye and then they will do the other one in like two weeks.

I can finally get my haircut next week, yay!

Good morning..

Waking up. Having coffee.

I feel slow this morning. I hope the coffee does something.

Good Morning Desoxyn!

I cut my Mom's hair on Monday. She cut my Dad's hair last week. Luckily I just wear mine with a straight cut so I'm just letting it grow while this pandemic is going. IDK when salons will be opened back up in CA. I think that's phase 3 and right now my county is phase 2.

Hair salons opened here on May 8. I do need a trim. I have a lot of split ends.

Just bought some pants and shirts from Amazon. Retail therapy, sigh.

Anyone heard from Newtus since this morning?

No, I hope she's okay.

So, like again, I'm thinking of breaking it off with Pastor T. I just don't know what to tell him in the email. I want to not see him anymore, I think. It doesn't seem like our goals align. What do I say?

I hope so too...

She was just asleep....

I fell asleep (after being awake all night) and I have missed my uni orientation.

I would just say what you said about your goals not aligning and that you don’t want to continue your sessions

Thanks @Blue_Bird. I sent him a really nice thought out email (in my opinion) and told him that our goals were diverging and I really needed to focus on my goal and that was not happening and that doing Skype in my dining room was really not a good option for therapy. I told him he was very helpful to me and that I planned on doing a lot of the stuff that we practiced (there's a few things I'm not going to do). And that I thought it best if we just went back to being Pastor/Parishioner and of course stayed friends. He took it well. He said he wants the best for me and if I get in a tight spot to call him.

Split ends? Hair trim? I still gel hair and haven't cut it since before quarantine.

See -->



Humans are weird with what they do to their appearance, hair etc.. It's like a trip. Nothing stays the same. Time just kills us all.

I want to go manic

But how

For the longest time I've been anhedonic (The opposite of bipolar and MDMA)

Drugs never even made me manic.. Except that one night and I was sent to the hospital for it.. Why would they do that? "I was having a good time" I thought to myself.. But no insight to risk..

Many people are messed up here. There was helicopters chasing some guy out in the forest. And one guy went into the store here with a chainsaw.

I told you that coronavirus would increase things like this..

This sucks because I feel reallly good physically today. My back isn’t hurting, nor my stomach (much), I don’t feel tired or sluggish, im alert. but I feel sad.

My shirts are baggy around my hips which is very strange. I can't explain it, because I think I gained weight. I didn't eat my meals though, the past few months, I was eating tons of candy and not much food.

The snack cart never came today. I was hoping for Fanta Orange and Coke.

side effects are rough so far

Tomorrow is Friday so there's that. I bought a few books, one by Stephen King on how to write so I'm hoping to learn a few tips by a master. Another book is on Romanticism, it looks like the type o book i want, a very intellectual historical approach to romanticism. To be honest, I'm a bit jealous of it as I skip through it because I just don't have the time to devout such a broad survey of the topic because I have a **** job.

I've been looking for a job and I still can't find a good one. All of these jobs pay very poorly. I don't know what to do.

I'm having quite a really bad time because of my environment and not being able to focus or relax.

I wish I could take 2mg of etizolam two evenings per week. But I'm already on enough GABA and hypnotic chems.

I'm just spiritually drained by my mom and sister and the drama. I don't want to live with them.

I'm gonna call my therapist tomorrow and make an appointment to see if I can work part time, go to school with my disability and get an apartment or something so I can be alone and get treated with an addictions counsellor, psychiatrist, doctor, therapist/psychologist, independent living counsellor, etc... To get on the right track..

My mom will have to move away because she needs my money. If this can't happen, I'll just be sitting in purgatory so they can get on with their lives and I sit mindlessly unhappy and zoned out, useless and doing nothing.

Feeling more relaxed with chamomile tea and a 5mg olanzepine. I'm gonna ask the pharmacy tomorrow to give me the little yellow sublingual ones.

I could get fat. Who knows.

Anyways, I did absolutely nothing today but chores, waking up, self hygiene, talking to online friends and listening to music.

Tomorrow I'll try harder. I have about an hour before the Vyvanse wears off so I should do something productive right now.. It's just hard cuz I procrastinate so hard.

People visited today and it was all drama. Why can't philosophers like Job come by and we can discuss the depths of reality over drinks? Idk..

I wish I was manic. I miss the euphoria. I’m just mellow all the time now.