Roll Call 166!

This bed is seriously the best investment we’ve ever made. Even tho it’s on credit I don’t regret it!

I’ve just got an ikea mattress but I think the key is the correct firmness not the brand.....

Yeah, I'm stressing out over losing some support people and I'm scared of relapsing but to the point where I feel like relapsing just to get it out of the way. So many people are proud of me and happy for me right now and it's putting so much pressure on me and I want the pressure to go away.

It’s not specifically the brand I mean. Purple doesn’t use foam or springs or any of that typical stuff for bedding.

My mattress is like 15 years old. I know you're supposed to get a new one like every 7 or 8 years so this is like double that, but it is still so comfy. It is one of those pillow top mattresses. It wasn't cheap when I bought it either. It was a couple thousand dollars so I'm not getting rid of it until the darn thing breaks or until it stops being comfortable.

If you’re talking about professionals, you can always go back if you feel the need. It’s not like you’re gone forever.
People being happy for you is just that, happiness. They aren’t trying to push you in any way.

We had just bought a pillow top too before I moved out from my dads. But this one is unlike anything I’ve ever had in my life.

I personally like the foam.....To each his own.

Once I get discharged from the case manager, that will be that, I won't get to go back to her, but I'm trying to be okay with that because I've learned the tools she gave me and I'm practicing them and I can't stay in the same place forever. I gotta grow and learn and be okay.

That's a good point about people being happy for me. I think it's because a lot of people are telling me I can't do X and I need to go 1 or 2 years without doing X and it feels like my performance is tied to their expressions of happiness or being proud of me. But that is a man-made expectation. I've been telling myself (because I am rather religious) to look at what God would say. I think He would look at my heart and not my performance or behavior, and I think He would accept me either way. I think I am putting unrealistic expectations on myself based on what other people are telling me to do or not to do regarding X.


I just need to chill and go with the flow. I'll probably take another xanax when I go home from work, I don't want to take it now because it is too close to driving time for me. And I can take up to four in a day so I won't be exceeding that. Maybe if it is nice out, I don't even know, my Dad and I can go for a walk or something which would help the anxiety. I've been rocking back and forth like a nut for hours and when I'm not rocking I'm shaking my leg like super fast so much anxious energy inside me. I need to chill. Just chill.

Where's desoxyn?

Took a couple hour walk. It’s so hot outside. Glad to be back in the cool air

I’m gonna sleep good tonight that’s for sure

Wonder if Angelique is okay?

Do you think you want to relapse in order to keep the case manager. If so just say you’re not ready to be discharged yet.

I've asked myself that but I don't think so. I don't even know if I would tell her if I did relapse. It's more of my parents and the Pastor T and somewhat my Regular T putting a lot of pressure on me to not do X. I think I am ready to be discharged. I am going to miss her because she is super positive and encouraging and I will miss that, but the last call we had was only like 10-15 minutes long because I'm meeting all the goals. There wasn't anything else to say. And when there is nothing to say it's time to go. So I will be okay without her. I'll just miss her.


I just feel all this pressure like I did before I was hospitalized. And I know I can't do X because I will make a mess of it and have to go to the ER and risk being hospitalized again. I can't trust myself to do X so I really need to keep myself in line but all the pressure I'm feeling isn't helping me do that. I kind of need my parents and my Pastor T and my Regular T to back off a bit and not be so pushy about it. But on the other hand, it's like the first time my parents have ever really addressed it also. So I don't want to discourage that. I just need to get used to having so much pressure. Or find a polite way to tell them, enough is enough. IDK.


I'm feeling a bit better now that I've talked through it some here on PC. And I talked to someone at work. I just gotta learn to chill more.

HUGS Kit

Positive, mindful, and happy. That’s what I am

He’s cleaning up a house.....

Watched Star Wars the rise of Skywalker earlier

I was stone these last few hours. Don’t like the edibles because it made me throw up and I was very panicky. And needed to eat and stuff from throwing up.

Chemo can affect the heart @ SP. I hope your mom's prognosis turns out better than expected! <3

I'm slowly losing my unemployment weight lol. Also, 1 week sober. Sober lunches are for losers. I haven't had a headache though, which is the point. I'm still not sure at which point I'll start drinking again, in moderation of course.

I've sold a few copies of my book so far. My copy won't arrive until June 7th. My friend on twitter bought my book, which was a sweet surprise. She lives in mexico and she's a philosopher and writer as well. I wish her upocming book had an english translation. She did her dissertation on delusions which was really good.

Mulled over a book idea all day today but I'm not sold on it yet, not enough conflict in the story yet for me to start it.

I feel so thankful for my life, and my family and friends. It’s really a blessing to have a life in this beautiful world and people to care about. (Including you guys). And I have food and a nice safe apartment , am really very lucky.

Hope your mom will be okay SP

I think I tried to buy your book and amazon refunded me for some reason or didn’t send it. Idk. It could’ve been cuz they charged me the next day and couldn’t draft the funds after I paid bills. But ima order it again. I’d rather have it on paper than ebook, tbh.