Roll Call 166!

Enjoy zoom dating from your home....much easier with anxiety anyway.

Going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds tomorrow. Was gonna go today but after walking to the store to get food.... it was just way too hot to go out again.

Cleaning tomorrow, and working on some artwork probably Sunday.

My new sneakers arrived, my sister will drop them off Monday or Tuesday. Along with my crockpot if it comes by then.

I plan on walking a lot this summer. Despite the heat and how much I hate it, I prefer autumn and winter. But it will be good for me to be out in the sun and being physically active.

Did an awareness meditation tonight

This is kind of weird but I like bananas mashed up with peanut butter and honey. It’s so good.

I’ve never had banana bread pudding but that sounds really good

The nursing home is finally starting to open, yay! But I'm worried about vaping. What if it's no longer allowed? I wonder how many of the smokers will stay quit.

Hey guys I need some help.

Lately when taking my nightly dose of Haldol (I take it all at night) I get super super anxious and am unable to sleep at all. I'm only able to sleep on nights where I don't take the meds. Any idea why this might be?

Preliminary thought is that it's akathisia, but idk

That’s what I was going to say

Didn’t get anything done today. So tired idk why.

Just woke up at 5:30pm. I’ve been sleeping the whole night and going to bed early past few days. Early as in, not at 2-3am, but at like 11pm - 12am. I take my meds at 10pm.

Lots of crying yesterday tho. Fiancé says it’s really hard for him to be around me when I’m certain ways. Which with what he told me, it has to do with my mental illness. Like me not understanding things or being able to take hints, but I told him that is both a cognitive and social defect I’ve suffered from being so sick. Also, how I don’t talk in groups of people, like when we goto see his friends. I said I don’t like being the third wheel or the 4th wheel and I’m also shy around these people, idk them like u do. Also, how I’m sad all the time. He says it’s draining. I get that. I don’t think I’m sad all the time. The way he explained it was how i just sit at the computer desk and stare into space, or when I basically just sit and sit and sit. Or have my head down. Or I look sad.

But none of that is sadness. Unfortunately, it’s my mental illness. I sit, a lot, doing nothing but thinking. Not engaging in the computer or my phone or anything. That’s when I’m thinking. I’ve had tons of people feel awkward or question the way I look, asking me if I’m ok, because I’d be in deep thought and they’d think something was wrong. I make weird faces or I’ll stare into space. It’s really just me purely thinking about things. I’m not sad, or psychotic, or anything. Just thinking. Who doesn’t think about what all they need to do for the day? Or add up math in their head to pay bills. Etc stuff like that. Or writing my poetry or whatever.

If I have my head down it’s cuz I’m tired and resting for a few, my mind and body. Who doesn’t do that?

I think I just look weird when I’m thinking. And it’s enhanced by my facial expressions and eyes. Which also was why I was told, in high school, that I’d make a great actress. I was told I have so much expression to my face. Nearly everyone tells me, if not every single person I’ve ever met! Also, genetically, the way my eyes are shaped, my top eyelids are big. So when I’m just looking like normal, it looks like I’m high or sad. Like my eyes are half mast or whatever. Lmao.

Can’t tell u how many people in high school thought I was high in class. I don’t do drugs or smoke that stuff.

I told him most of this is a misunderstanding on his part.

I genuinely think that the most misunderstood people with mental illness are those who have schizophrenia. Because we have to or we have developed certain ways of doing things, or getting things done, due to our patterns of disrupted healthy mental processing.

Woke up at 7am and went to bed at 1am the next day. 18 hours awake. I tried to sleep by taking a zopiclone but felt a bit of anxiety and completely awake, lying there for 2 hours.

I put 5mg of diazepam under my tongue and within 5 minutes, I felt my muscles relaxing. I was yawning and then within 10 minutes after taking it, I was asleep.

I feel awake the longer I stay awake yet at the same time, I can't do anything.. I just want to lie there.. No reading books or anything. And I lie down for 30-90 minutes every day and just think..

Idk wtf's wrong with me.

I find that like a lot of people with different types of mental illness recriminate against those with schizophrenia. I’ve noticed it with people with borderline pd. Then maybe bipolar and people not knowing what bipolar is and saying oh I have bp because my emotions fluctuate short period of time. Then there’s ocd and adhd. Depression isn’t take. Seriously by some like get up and get **** done. Not feeling well in a sense. We all deal with discrimination because of our disorder.

Yes true

Yeet yeet and bottle of rum

Ever told someone that you have schizophrenia that told you that a mass shooter had the same disorder... lmao no

I'm about ready to taste some THC slushies. wish me luck.

Most people that kill others on purpose likely don't have a mental illness. They're calm, collective, negotiative and bad.

Anyways I had a good day. House is looking nice. Hopefully the people that kept breaking in has found the bag of H and will leave us alone. I feel like I'll get some sleep tonight without a VAL.

GOOD NIGHT

There was a guy locally with schizophrenia who decapitated someone on a bus and was found not legally responsible, but aside from that I’ve never really heard of much of schizophrenic people committing murder actually.

Gonna call my pdoc monday and ask to be switched to another AP. I'm not taking Haldol again

I don't like cameras but that would make for a cheap date lol, it's going in the right direction I suppose, saving drive time and dinner for 2, and that uncomfortable moment of payment. I'd save so much money on alcohol lol

I still haven't had a beer though. I'm firm on that maybe for 2 months, o maybe until mid august, then I'll just have 2 beers a day again, no more now that I know the risk.

I started a podcast. Would like to have you on, Job.

Also, people who are afraid of cameras are going to have to get used to a new normal I believe.

I have a roommate from hell.

5 more months and I'm off to another place. I hope it's a nice place where someone respects my privacy. I'll get a door lock this time too. maybe closer to the city.

I've been applying to jobs for 3 months. Heard nothing back yet, or "no"s. I apply to a few every few days. We can't pay all our bills and i am scared. We pay the most important ones right now. My mom has helped me once financially and has brought groceries a few times. My dad gives us groceries from time to time. A few things here and there. My mom doesn't want to help anymore. She hasn't been answering her phone either or just doesn't wanna talk for whatever reason. I'm scared cuz idk what to do anymore.

My anxiety is yet again at an all time high. I’ve been waking up with anxiety and physical pain, stomachaches and headaches. Insomnia. Over sleeping. Sadness. Mostly due to finances and the COVID fear is coming back since someone I was around now has COVID.

I feel nauseous all the time.

Idk what to do. I could do instacart/DoorDash. But at this point I’m becoming so physically sick over stress. I have a number of physical issues going on. And my mental health, while stable, is full of anxiety, sadness and I just zone out at times. Haven’t been remembering what I’ve just done 5 min ago or just not remembering things. I sent my sister 30 dollars for fish oil like 2 weeks or 3 weeks ago. I haven’t received anything.

Not really I just turn video off during zoom....

Went to the pharmacy and picked up some of my meds. Normally I get them delivered but something was wrong with the app I use to do that so I had to walk there. It’s super hot out. Drinking an iced coffee and relaxing in the AC now.

Sorry you’re having trouble financially and everything @newtus I hope things get better for you soon