Roll Call 166!

I think I hate myself less than I used to but I am still overly critical of myself and harsh with myself. Way harsher than I would ever be with other people. If I would treat others kindly, why wouldn't I treat myself kindly? If you feel up to it, and you may not, maybe try to do one nice thing for yourself every day. Even if it is just getting a shower, or listening to your favorite song. Eventually those little things adds up. FWIW I don't think you deserve to be hated by yourself or by anyone else.

I hate when I pour my heart out in a text to a friend and then get an emoji back. Like what is that about?!!

I just told myself that my friend loves me and cares about me and is at work and unable to write more but it still sucks.

They probably don’t know what to say....if it’s about MI stuff I severely limit who I tell that stuff to.

Yeah, I can understand that one. Sometimes people don't know what to say. but it would be nice if they say "sorry, I don't know what to say but I'm listening"

Hello. I have important news. Please come to snap.

eh, I deleted my Snapchat account after leaving the group and finding out the person I normally talk to on there said I was a psycho and that I looked like a man. **** snapchat.

doing bad voices paranoia

Sorry falcs....I hope you find a med that works......

Today is my niece's birthday. She turned 15, hard to believe. Seems like just yesterday she was a baby. Time flies so fast

Our family bdays are clustered too....

Just found out I have the same birthday as fiancés, best friends girlfriend/wife.

I'm not gonna post here as much as I do. I'm too confused and keep having to take mind rests. I might just stop posting completely. So dont worry.

Sorry to hear desoxyn.....i’ll Miss your posts.....

Yes, I will too.

I will too desox

I've had it with Trump apologists. I'm just not holding back anymore.

New books came in the mail. One of them is Psychiatry in the Scientific Image. It looks impressive. It looks at the philosophical underpinnings of psychiatry, so I'm looking forward to having a good convo with my psychiatrist when I see her next.

Looking forward to the weekend. I'm going to ask boss if i can switch my day off wednesday for monday. Wednesday is my birthday. I'm getting older fast. I want to play GTA IV and read my new book arrivals. =)

Staying up all night tonight. Watching Netflix

What are you watching on netflix?

Shameless, a few different anime shows, Criminal Minds, and The Good Place

i want my mommy

I don't want my mom to die. I teared up when I saw a picture "All mothers were summoned when george floyd called out for his momma".

But anyways, I can't leave here. I need help and I went on reddit and people are taking advantage of the same news for their benefit. The news will change to something else like it always does because the thing is;

I do the exact opposite of what other people tell me to think or do. I've always been that way. '

My sister is manic. It's freaking me out. I don't know if she's taking an SSRI and everyone's lying to me. I don't know what's real.

I looked down a powerful ice cold water canyon today and



I started to get derealization so I took 7.5mg of olanzepine and diazepam.

I don't like being the same as everyone else and I like to be completely authentic and true to myself.

But everything is so annoying. I have a literal mental pain in my head when I try to think - and it's NOT a headache.. Although I've had a headache today.. I took 1mg xanax because my veins were big - I'm afraid of the olanzepine messing with my heart and the chocolate. I need a place to study and be quiet and stress free. My mom is telling me to find a job if that would help me.

I don't feel normal stressed. I have severe dementophobia;

"The fear of madness is generally known as dementophobia. People who suffer from this fear are afraid that they are going insane or losing touch with reality. The fear may be triggered by a family history of mental illness or periods of severe stress."

I don't want to end up in the psych ward because they'll change my meds. People aren't normal anymore - I'm afraid that people are being violent and primitive revving their engines and such, completely out of control.

I don't find things funny at all sometimes. I don't take things seriously. I have no morals - Just convictions that are so strong i know they are bad but i don't know who i am anymore.

I'm so stressed out that the mental pain in my mind just turns to crying

I feel like turning back to drugs to escape reality

Edit: I'm scared. I'm so scared because I can't relax or do things. It feels like I'm in hell. Almost as bad as my bad trip.

Feeling better. Talked to friend at the gas station.

Gonna take zopi, sleep

Hopefully tomorrow will be less torturous. I'm gonna drink a coffee, get ready and be a little productive in the living room while my mom is at work.

Tomorrow is another day

Morning

I just woke up like 30 min ago and I feel so rundown already. Like idk. I was gonna say I feel out of breath but I don’t. I don’t think I am sick physically. I just, I spent past 15 min huffing and puffing our of anxiety due to school expectations I’m reading here on my syllabus. I feel anxious. And now because I’ve said that I’m scared I have covid. I’m afraid I’m gonna die.

Like it’s only been 30 min and I already can’t stand today. I really can’t. I may be sick actually. Idk I’m just starting to get so nervous right now.