Roll Call 170

This week feels so effing long. Cuz I don’t have my moniez.

Hang in there, newtus.

My sister will be able to get an appointment for Maybelle to see the vet starting tomorrow (we enter phase 4 tomorrow here in upstate NY) so non emergency vet appointments will be allowed. Then I just gotta get another copy of the letter from my doctor and therapist and she can move in with me. I'll have a kitty again!!!!

That is so cool...just what you need

Yay!!!!!!!!

Why would you do that, Erti? Are you experincing SI?

Because it calms the demons and spirits.

Welp, got a growth on the back of my neck. It is in an odd spot, so, cannot really see it no matter how hard I twist. It is growing. I have fair skin and spent a lot of time outside as a youth, so, am at risk for skin cancer. Used to run a skin cancer unit, so, yeah...

Anyhoo, not insured right now, which means I have to remove this thing myself. But I can't see it well. Not sure how I am gonna make all that happen. ANyway, kinda worried I might have a little skin cancer or something.

Do you have any old friends from derm who can do it for you?

Is there anything else that works to calm them? I find singing helpful......

Kinda worried about slumberkitty.......haven’t seen her in a while......

Some days loud music to ignore them sometimes helps. I am not in a situation where I can be alone without someone being bugged about my singing... I'm a terrible singer. I could take back drawing again but I don't have motivation to draw or whatever. Now that I live in a house full of kids and nowhere to put my stuff with the kids began messing with my stuff.

My mom just had 3 skin cancers removed yesterday (Unrelated to the breast cancer) - Fair skin, always fried herself in the sun. She gets skin cancers removed often. So be careful.

Are you being tormented by demons and spirits? Sending you strength and support and peace.

Oh, maybe. Maybe. Had not though of that. Thanks.

Welp. made it to 10 pm without any real sadness at all today. None, really. So bizarre after how awful I felt yesterday. And then, the florid mania the day before. No psychosis, though, which is great, of course.

I am grateful for today, I am. But I just don't understand what my brain is doing these days. Is this my new normal? Sort of unstable a lot, rapid fluctuations in mood and stuff. Dunno, really. Just dunno. But if it is, I will find some way through this. Somehow.

Have been looking at stopping my depakote maybe. Some people on the bp board call it depressakote, so, maybe my depression has been due to that or something. I might talk to the doc abou this and see what he thinks. The more we learn about lithium, the better we learn it is for depression, even unipolar. Way better than a lot of traditional antidepressants.So, maybe with the lithium and without the depakote I might feel better.

I think I have had depression for so long yet my psychedelic trips and ketamine allowed me to realize that it's ok to suffer. But it's not really ok - I want to be able to DO THINGS.

I wish I was a genius so I could figure my way out of this mess and enjoy it - Or it's just good mental state and certain philosophical perspective that counts.. Idk..

I think doing online courses is my best bet to the direction to where I want to go

But it's midnight..

Edit: Happy Canada Day =]

Been watching baby leopard and cheetah videos. Too adorable. I di dnto know that labrador dogs do super wel lwith cheetahs. They are like, bewst pals or something. Super fun to watch for me.

Sleep not happenin', so, onward.

I'm so bloody tired from Invega might as well sleep

Wait, most people with badass depression, Ketamine takes it like, completely away. Not for you?

Morning

FINALLY got accepted after 3-4 months for Google Adsense!

Wow, nobody around. Weird.

Slept horribly. Total joke. Maybe a nap later. Dunno. I never worry about sleep anymore, I can't control it, so...

Got a lot done on the book yesterday. It is sorta really starting to come together. I can sorta see it all happening now, which is always a relief. You create this thing from nothing and it is always a bit of an adventure to bring it together. Then, it becomes a living, breathing entity. So cool.

One of my meds makes my nose and eyes itch like mad, kinda like bad allergies. Annoying.

Need to clean the bathroom today. Maybe I will have energy to do that. Kitchen looks fairly decent, though, so, that is nice. I have a super hard time with activities of daily living.

Has anyone here ever hired someone to help with these things that are hard for them to get done? I could sure benefit from a case manager or something like that. I cannot really afford it, though. Someone to come check on me every so often and stuff. Be sure I am taking my meds and the place is not too messy and I am not like, totally psychotic and curled up, hiding from spies and stuff.

Trying to get myself a kitty cat, so I can have a little friend here with me. That would be nice and they are lower maintenance than a doggie.