Roll Call 170

Hey everyone. My stomach has been churning pretty bad for the past couple days. Maybe its the 2 beers i had or the McDonalds, i don't know. I didn't get a headache from the beers though, so that's good news. I had a few couple messages from the dating sites but after i replied no responses. Weird, I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I get the feeling that the older people get the more use to being single they are, so they teeter on whether being in a relationship or not, maybe a dating site is a way for them to flirt with the idea to get their nightly fix.

Roommate still pisses me off.

I finally got my updated license plate tags. It took over a month but I got them. The guy by the mailboxes saw how excited I was, and took notice to my verbal excitement lol

Day 7291 of being anhedonic. It never ends.

Helps to be online a lot so your convos are like im’s more than email.....glad you got your tags.....

Why do you think your anhedonia is so treatment=resistant, Job?

Omg I’m doing it!

Yaaaay!!!

Well my eye looks tons better now, picked up a couple of shirts from home for the interview....hair is looking good, I might not wash it tomorrow because the curl to straight ratio is actually nice for a change....

Glad you are better. What is the interview for?

I read some place or another that exercise helps symptoms of schizophrenia. I suppose I've always sort of known that. I always feel clearer in my head after I go run or walk on the treadmill or wherever. It's kind of weird. I get some of my best thinking done on the treadmill while listening to audiobooks.

I can't listen to audiobooks while on the treadmill can't focus like that

I can do it while running but music also tends to cause dissociation for me

Feeling panicky again... time to read I guess

I'm worried the people in my apartment are talking about me and laughing at me behind my back. And plotting to get me kicked out. They probably are, it's just a big game to them

Do you have any PRN anxiety meds? Maybe that could help you when you feel panic coming on?

Very entry level library job....basically my allergies and cognitive issues derailed my Career...cognition is fixed now but science isn’t forgiving and I still have the allergies. Anyway long story short picking up a masters in library science...this is just a part time starter job to do along with school. But it will be perfect for me so fingers crossed....

My cousin became an ultra runner it helped her GAD and PTSD so much....

Yeah I have klonopin, I try not to take it often though. I'm technically prescribed to take it up to 2 times a day but I often don't take it for weeks to months at a time even when my panic gets bad. I guess I just don't like relying on it. My anxiety and paranoia have been getting bad lately though so maybe I should

Honestly after high school this kind of stuff doesn’t really happen, most people who don’t know you well are pretty neutral. The have no reason to get you kicked out....or even to laugh....

Yeah I don't like relying on benzos too much, but that's because at least with Xanax, it causes depression for me, so I don't like that. Klonopin is more neutral in terms of depression for me, so I don't mind if I have to take a Klonopin. But I get what you're saying in terms of not wanting to rely on it. But I also think that if it's prescribed to you and if you're having anxiety then why not take it?

Because it has resisted treatment for the last 7 years... I've tried antidepressants, atypical antidepressants, mood stabilizers, mood enhancements, supplements, tried waiting for years. I even try to force myself to do what i use to bring me joy, I've found new activities that bring meaning, but sadly, I'm still anhedonic.

In short: brain damage due to psychiatric drugs.

I stayed in bed this afternoon until 4pm. I could have gotten up but I feel like every day is the same and I'm a bit depressed - I'll try to read a bit of that book today about search for meaning. 40 minutes after I took the Vyvanse, I was able to move more freely - It's like my thoughts are disconnected from the rest of my body when I'm not on Vyvanse and it's way too comfortable to just stay in bed.

I just drank a coffee because I think I'm getting a bit of caffeine withdrawal (I drink a really strong cup every afternoon but haven't been for a few days) - Started feeling weak with an uncomfortable form of headache or brain fog.

Tomorrow I see my doctor about the scar tissue on my shoulders and what I should do about the Invega injections.

Then I'm going to talk about how the diazepam taper worked until I started taking an alprazolam almost every evening. I'm going to tell him about my weed induced depersonalization and derealization panic attack I had where I took 1mg of alprazolam and went to sleep.

I'll just need diazepam but to take AS NEEDED this time and not every night. 5mg of diazepam works for me as good as 0.5mg of alprazolam.

I don't want to have benzo brain - Lacking memory and such. I have enough cognitive issues as it is.

Yeah that's true, my doctor is always telling me if I'm having anxiety/panic attacks to just take it. I might take some tonight

It helps me as much as anything does.

I'm not quite sure how my anhedonia 90% went away. I did experiment with ~50 different chemicals. I don't recommend.

I still take phenibut due to apathy. I'm slowly getting off of it though.

Next comes the hard part, learning how to crochet the 2nd row. I'll work on that tomorrow

Why would they do that?

Well we were supposed to watch Hamilton tonight but it’s getting late, maybe another night...