Roll Call 172

I haven’t. Why do u think I’d like it? I barely know what it’s about. Tell me about the book. I will look it up too.

It separates core values from more superficial pop psychology.....also I liked the story in the beginning for you....it was about their son and how he wasn’t doing so well because people didn’t believe in him but then the parents stopped protecting him and he became very successful....I feel like sometimes you still look to your parents for things and feel neglected when they don’t bail you out, and yet that may be holding you back. I can see you being super successful.
You can probably get it from the library as it over twenty years old...

Oh awesome! Ok. Thanks!

Library has a 12 week wait on it. So got it from amazon for kindle, for free, since I have prime.

Mass was good today. Great homily

I’m restless and bored. But not really bored just restless. Got a lot on my mind.

in a good mood

I took a break mentally, meditated, then watched mass and prayed. And taking a few moments to clear my head and breathe, distance myself from the situation I realize my apartment isn't anywhere near as bad as I was thinking it was in terms of cleanliness. It looks fine. There's a few things I can straighten up tomorrow but other than that things look pretty good.

Hey all. Saw a new pdoc last week. It was good, and we are going to simplify my medication a lot. So that’s good. I am still feeling super anxious about grad school though. I still don’t know what to do re quitting or not. My anxiety was through the roof yesterday about it. Almost basically had a panic attack today giving a presentation. Ugh.

I’ve been in a good mood too past week.

Had a mind rest then fell asleep

Terrible visions over nt. My damnation. Guess He is madder at me than I thought. Thought I was forgiven, but guess no good enuf. Very sad. Also was trying to tell me someone did sthing terrible to me when I was 2. Vusions of that. Mostly, of how terrible I am. I thought if we were baptized and tried our best were forgiven but mine were too terrible I guess. I understand, I do. Just thought I had been forgiven. I guess I did not do it right or something.

I'm stressin' out, I'm stressin' out
I'm stressin' out, I'm stressin' out
I'm stressin' out, I'm stressin' out
I'm stressin' out, I'm stressin' out
I'm stressin' out, I'm stressin' out
I'm stressin' out, I'm stressin' out
I'm stressin' out, I'm stressin' out
I'm stressin' out...

Maybe the microdose mushrooms will help next week. I really shouldn't be doing this since I'm on an antipsychotic.. But I'm really really burnt out.

I am feeling done with graduate school, just so much fear and anxiety around it, I feel like ridding myself of the anxiety, by quitting, and that would be good, I think. I just feel pressured by my parents to do it, I don't really want the career that it'll lead to, my parents think it will lead to a good career, I don't really care about said career, I just want to be happy, and I know I'm not happy right now. And it sucks not to be happy if you know the goal you're reaching towards is something you don't really care about. I'm not good enough for graduate school. There, I said it. I cannot cope with it.

Anything worth doing promotes anxiety, at least in my world. If you don’t push through it then you end up doing nothing at all. Your life will continue to atrophy and shrink....

Things are going somewhat good the last day or two. Now that feel like I’m waiting for a **** storm to happen again. Something doesn’t feel right.

I wish I had some muscle relaxers or something. I'm so tense all the time.
I took a diazepam and magnesium.
I just can't relax and do things.
I'm doing well considering. I'm trying my best.
I have bad substance use disorder - The worst in the world.

With my psychologist I was supposed to be focusing more on going to like restaurants and stuff and talking with people in the office and then COVID happened so it’s made it all worse. But sometimes now I just like to get out of the house and go for a drive. Don’t even have to stop anywhere. I got a lottery ticket at a store today while we were out and I was so nervous. Stupid anxiety.

I don't know how bad my anxiety can get. I sometimes get panic attacks but they're mostly because of dissociation. Other than that, I like adrenaline.. Cuz it's a stimulant..

But just wanting to relax and do things at home makes me edgy.. Like I can't focus on small detail because I have a huge FOMO about everything.

It's my main problem. I don't know how you manage to study physics, math textbooks. I can barely do anything cuz of malfunctioning executive functioning.

I found an article that was helpful and likely will be to you guys as well;

If You Think Contentment Will Make You Lazy and Unproductive - Tiny Buddha

"Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

Ugh god.

Day 6 of little sleep. Idk why I can’t sleep anymore.

I must be going crazy again

I feel insanely restless but I can’t sleep but I’m rundown from no sleep.

I didn’t take my night med cuz I fell asleep reading.but my night med is Unisom which is a OTC sleep aid.

This is ridiculous man

Fck

I don’t feel good mentally and physically right now