Roll Call 172

Finished work. I don't know what to do now.

I'm depressed.

Psilocybin microdose capsules every other day, ketamine nasal spray that I can either create or get infusions by the doctor, etizolam solution that I can make for relaxation and a replacement for benzos (Because it has low tolerance) and o-desmethyltramadol for it's SNRI and opioid effects would help.

I haven't had psychosis in like a month though.

I suppose I'll just wait everything out. Things will be better.

I'm going on a hike with my mom today. She probably wants to go and do something because she's not going to drink wine for 2 weeks.

Try behavior modification instead of chemicals? If you do stuff you think is fun whether you feel it or not it can lift your mood.

Gonna read for half an hour starting in 10 minutes. Slightly anxious about the multiple things that I'm missing out on..

I feel stuck in habit and routine. I'm working now.

I'm stuck in a place that I don't want to be in. I can't draw if I want. I can't focus. I'm addicted to taking something to make myself better.

I'm stuck. But I think that once I take something, then I can break habits behaviourly.

It's better than it was before where I was just taking things for no reason.

Trying to snap myself out of a panic attack w/dissociation

I already feel that there's no meaning in my life. So it's hard not to do this. I've felt depressed since I was 12 and these chemicals worked for a while - Especially ketamine last year - I managed to go through 6 months of improving myself so they aren't just "chemicals". They work.

Although can have negative effects. But I don't think of them as having zero meaning compared to changing behaviour - Also chemicals are behaviour.

People ingest thousands if not millions of chemicals a day whether they know it or not and it contributes to how they feel.

Gonna read now. I put on reading music to get me started.

I wasn’t saying chemicals to judge so much as to be accurate....there is a difference in receptor when you’re talking endogenous chemicals vs what you take.....one has regulation and ebb and flow and the other is one big dose....it can change the way the receptor responds...if you take one dose and the receptor got supercharged it might just down regulate itself.

I want my receptors to be happy lol...

But no you're right

There's just two sides and I can go to "sobriety" then chase something like a entrepreneur, money, fame, sex, power, relationships, etc.. Or full do it with chemicals.

I like to call them molecules now.. idk..

But yeah I'm gonna read while my mom eats something and then we're going on a hike..

feels like the clozapine is beginning to click. Symptoms aren't all the way better, but I can notice a difference

That’s great falcon!

Hugs, Blue!!!!

Des, look, if u did best on an NMDA antagonist, just get one--there a re several and u r smart. Pick one, read more about if it is not ket and play with it. U love playing w ur meds. So, just do that. But get a glutamate drug. They r the only things that truly "cure" all hundred percent of my symptoms. Problem is, they hose short term memory and if u ovetshoot, u end up manic and often psychotic for stimes days or longer. That is why I cannot take one.

Hugs.

something doesn't feel right. They're telling me we're going to die. I'm not ready to die... I need to bleed. they want to see me bleed. Paranoia and anxiety... It doesn't feel right

Who is telling u this, Erti--voices?

Demons and spirits

Oh. So sorry. What helps? I watched tv when I had mine the other day. It sorta helped.

I thikn even though I saw demons the other nt that my mood itself is alot up after increasing my fish oil like u all said. Thank u so much. I think it might be helping me!

I went for a hike. I feel like I climbed Mt. Everest.. Except it was hot and blue sky...

I'm so tired. I have to sleep in two hours to get up for work in the morning. My mom said that she doesn't think I can handle working too much.. But I'll try.. At least I get extra money.

I took anti-inflammatory medicines. My veins are big. I might die soon maybe before age 30.

I like the ketamine for the 6-norhydroxyketamine metabolite. The racemic R-S-ket. It lasts a long time.

Right now I'm too tired to research.

Can I just ignore FOMO about everything and just read books in my own world for a month?

It will be like being in a coma.

At least it's not heroin

But why? Why can't I just be content with them? They must be perfect... I have to play...

You will live to be old and wise.

Because people like you and me just want it all to be perfect and we can't really have that in real life.

CBD is calming me will sleep soon. I want to read but I guess the day is over.