Roll Call 172

I see. Hm. Clozapine causes akathisia? I didn't know that it could. These meds are pretty powerful and can have nasty side effects, though. Are you having akathisia now?

Omfg I just realized I didn’t put any details lmao. I’m in a food coma.

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Soz guys lmao

I've been having some the last few days

Good, falcon.

Just read a study that showed more than 30 percent of people who have their first psychotic episode ever go on to develop schizophrenia. You guys are freaking me out and I thought I was cra-cra w my meds. I was one of the first people on earth to take NMDA antagonists for bipolar, waaaaaay b4 this ketamine stuff. I wld never touch weed ever. Too scary.

Dang. That's no good. Of course this is just a suggestion, but can you wait until you see your pdoc before you miss a dose or two? Akathisia is no fun though.

Personally, I don't particularly want to see my old pdoc, who is whom I've arranged an appointment with next week. I wonder if I should see a new provider entirely. I don't know honestly. My old pdoc knows me well, but I've had some concerns about him lately that relate to his ability to treat me medically in a good way because he thought that I didn't have schizoaffective disorder and so he took me off Zyprexa. Anyway, that threw a wrench in my life basically. I've been recovering from that ever since.

Tomorrow is friday. I made it. I talk to my pdoc on monday so I get my sleep meds coming soon. I have no idea what or if I'm every going to be even able to try ketamine. That's a shame that insurance doesn't cover it. When janruary comes around i will talk to my insurance agency, and I will pester them for awhile, hoping to tel them how important it is.

Anhedonia is so bad. I feel bad for my coworkers because my social anhedonia is completely flat. I'm cut and dry.

Lately my mouth has begun to water around 330pm during work and it gets worse, until i feel a bit nauseous. I even got a migraine last night and i'm not even drinking alcohol. I hope my condition isn't getter worse. I might have done permemant damage... I wish I could know what exactly i can do to get better and what to avoid. Maybe it doesn't help that I don't really eat a lunch, but that's been the case for almost years. I have a bag of chip and a pop/tea. Anybody have ideas what could be wrong? I've been having good dinners with a protein, mutivitamin, fiber supplment (twice a day), and fishoil on top of it.

I can see him tomorrow maybe

I'm bouncing an idea around in my head about meds. So I have that major fear of choking and it really causes a lot of stress in regards to swallowing pills. I'm on several meds, 5 not including metformin the metformin I can chew) I'm wondering if it would be worth it doing a whole med overhaul just based on that fear and get back on an injection form of an AP and only that, and maybe the zoloft pill since that's small. I guess I'll see if my psychiatrist has any ideas when I see her Monday.

It would take a long time though, to taper off all those and over onto something else. Maybe that's not doable. Idk. Just thinking. Or maybe I need to work with my therapist on my fear

I'm completely beaten up. I can't relax.

Need a new environment badly.

I'm so tense.

I feel like everything's completely ****ed up. My injection was supposed to be today. I'm getting it tomorrow. I took a benzo.

I feel out of control. My brain cells are dying. There's no going back now.

Maybe a mood stabilizer would help me. I've never tried one before.

I feel a bit better now because of the diazepam.

I'm chewing two nicotine gums

I feel like I'm going to go nuts before you guys to witness and it's not good. Just.. The damn music I'm listening to is terrible

No.. Don't give into the thoughts..

Fight. "Fear won't take over me" say to yourself. You are strong and can do it. Talk with your therapist about the fear.

You just need reassurance - From me.. Your mind is playing tricks on you.. You have good insight.. Because of the pills..

Now is a time that I need ketamine to stop being my thoughts. But I don't have it. So Imma go mad a little.

I am now wondering if I should get a therapist who takes my insurance or just see someone else. I don't know. Therapy can get expensive for sure, especially if they don't take your insurance. I remember my psychiatrist once saying that I should see someone with a PhD or something because they know more about meds than someone with just an MA or something? I don't know if that's true or not. Anyway, I have decisions to make.

At least this is headed in a positive direction. Before I felt like it was not headed in a positive direction.

The weighted blanket is actually helping a lot

#Schizo-autism spectrum..

paranoid hearing ****

Yikes. Feel crappy. I think it's bc of the rupture with my counselor and psychiatrist. Grr.

My parents sure did me a disservice in telling me I had to quit with that counselor.

I was doing some reading for my psychology course and making notes. I was excited for the chapter (Psychological Disorders) but found the section on schizophrenia quite triggering. Like agreeing with some of the delusional thoughts and having this urge to go off my meds again.

Ugh. I hate it.

I took my Latuda and I’m going to go to sleep. Try not to think about it.

Tomorrow I’ll read about treatment of psychological disorders, then I have only one chapter left to make notes on. I haven’t felt like doing quizzes and assignments so I’ll study after I’m done and do them.

You can’t get chicken from tmobile btw, but you can get phones. Lmao.

I also don't want to have to cancel class again tomorrow that I'm teaching. But I think I'll have to. Dang it.

Why? Will you get fired if u cancel too much?

*Hugs* WA