Roll Call 174

My dad had a huge scab on his arm. Like a chunk of the top layer of his skin was off. And it was bruised all around it all the way around his arm. He said he scratched himself on his tractor.

And it’s just stuff like that that keeps me worried that he’s gonna hurt himself. So scared.

I get worried about my dad as well. He had colon cancer 3 years ago and his stomach is all cut up. He has a hernia and I know that people can die from hernias. He's overweight and still working in Mexico. I don't think he'd survive COVID because he's had pneumonia before. Apparently there's scar tissue in his lungs or something.

My mom has a very severe heart condition and breast cancer last year - So far it hasn't spread. My mom had to go to the ER last year and get steroids because she couldn't breath due to the flu - She has some type of asthma.

I get worried going for a hike tomorrow because last year, my mom did collapse on the kitchen floor and told me to call 911, then she was fine because her beta blocker kicked in. I have to remind her to take her beta blocker twice a day.

It's normal to worry about people that are old - But don't get too much anxiety about it it's ok to be sad. Very normal. I used to have bad OCD about my parents dying which made me cry and that was years ago. They're still alive and we have to live in the moment and enjoy every bit of it. We can try to help but theres some things that are out of our control.

Why am I so sad right now since my dad left.

Like so sad.

I fear his safety but I really shouldn’t I don’t think. Everyone tells me he’s fine and doing fine. Fiancé sees him at work everyday. My sister says he’s fine. But I lived with him for 10 years and not anymore. I’ve seen him go through his alcohol usage. And when he comes over now he doesn’t talk much since I moved out. Like he’s shy or something idk. Makes me very very sad. Like I want to be back with him.

Thank you.

My anxiety is so extremely severe. Idk anyone else who has it like me. like i just realized a couple of weeks ago, most of diagnoses are anxiety disorders. Even though I have schizoaffective and depression, I have agoraphobia, social anxiety, and trichotillomania. All of which have been diagnosed to me.

I’m extremely sure I have hypochondria, as well. I’ve been to the ER too many times and told too many people I thought i am dying.

I think even tho despite my diagnoses, my anxiety is the thing holding me back the most at this moment. My psychosis symptoms, even tho they are always here in a mild form, they are largely under control with the vraylar. So is my depression with the sertraline. It’s this nasty anxiety.

Bought all the things I need to redecorate my bedroom today. Paint (brown color), pillow sheets, tablecloth, wire mesh, a few artificial plants, night lamp, and some paintings. Will start painting tomorrow. When I don’t feel well mentally I organize my physical surroundings, it always helps somehow.

I will listen to this podcast while painting tomorrow.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcas...s/id1071032154

Awesome!!

Almost lunchtime!

My shoulder is still hurting. I've been using Aspercream with lidocaine. It helps. Not enough but it helps. It popped today so that kind of helped. I seriously need a massage but with COVID I don't think that is going to happen soon.

I sprained my leg a week ago, I massaged it myself. It took three days to heal though. Hope it gets better soon for you.

I found a grey hair! Haha it looks so cute. I’m embracing myself getting old it seems

doctor called in .5mg ativan twice a day

My anxiety is non existent today for the first time in a long time. I felt like I was in a constant state of panic for weeks

If you use it as a prn, it might be better than daily use. Benzos are very tricky.

That's wonderful that you finally had a day without anxiety.

From the front, my hair looks its normal color, but in the back there's a mixture of gray and dark. I want to dye my hair.

What color would you get?

I missed 3 appts on the phone with my school, in a row. Cuz my medicines making me sleep. Fck.

I hate to see you suffer so much, if you don't mind me asking, what have you tried?

I use to have 2 severe panic attacks a day, it's hell. ANd when We're not having one we're worried it's going to happen soon.

Have you tried benzos or ssri's? A surprise solution for me was lamictal a mood stabilizer, and before that lithium worked. I don't know why but having lamictal was a really good one. Do you eel them in your stomach rise? LIke are they physical panic attacks?

I used to want lavender but now I'm not sure. Probably my natural color, with lighter highlights.

I had a bad day today. Thank god it's over. A 15 minute lunch, my mental health is terrible. Woke up at 413am and coulnd't fall back to sleep, which resulted in frustration and a heachache. The home owners are all home so I can't say a word in public without them chiming in with a snarky comment. One guy is having trouble with other guys. The boss was gone so we had to make all the decisions, meanwhile the contractor is asking us to do this and that. I want a beer so bad, but I already feel a headache coming on.

postive:
It's all over stephen. It's all over. I just put on some music. Hopefully venting about it helps. I've stayed away from politics this week so that's healthy. I had a good talk with my boss who came back from vacation just now. I made 2 pretty dope sandwiches for lunch.

So when I got really high form an edible (which was a terrble idea), i was manically laughing to a joke that my manic self thought was hilarious, "Why is dopamine called so? Because it's dope!" That's it, that's the joke. I barely could get it out i was cackling so loud. I was so high that I thought making a new twitter account "The High Philosopher" and I'd just tweet high jokes all day" What a bad idea! lol I mean, there are already those accounts, and they do quite well actually. But honestly, getting high takes up the entire day for me, and that sucks. Honestly, something that surprises me, is that I never see any of the people I follow tweet while intoxicated. Baffles my mind! They have so much stoic control, I think maybe one does tweet high, he's pretty cool.

Yeah, I'm prescribed klonopin to take as needed. I use it sometimes but don't want to depend on it too much. I'm on a mood stabilizer (trileptal) ,thorazine, trilafon, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin.

Most of the panic attacks are physical. I try mindfulness and meditation, that helps sometimes. And yoga.

Strangely enough the day I didn't have panic attacks (today) is the first day I've drank coffee in a month. I stopped drinking coffee for a month and it seemed like my anxiety only got worse, if that's even possible or makes any sense. You would think it would be the opposite

When not tolerant to a stimulant, the first few doses can cause anxiety. When tolerant to a stimulant, it becomes your friend. It wants to stick around and clings on. Without, you start to panic due to lack of stimulation.