Roll Call 174

I feel very out of energy mentally. Might as well prepare myself for bed.

I'll sleep in tomorrow until 11am then organize apps on my Huawei tablet and phone and eventually start reading the books that I have.

Apparently medicaid assigned me a social worker...she's gonna call me every wednesday

I ate ice cream last night. I took 2 lactaid pills but it still messed with my stomach yesterday. I seem to be ok today.

I been taking my omega 3 fish oil pills again. I already can think clearly and deeply with emotion. Most times I’m all emotion or numb with no ability to think clearly and with deep thought.

Here is something I wrote after 2 days of omega 3 pills and onto the third day:

“3AM contemplation:
What is it to live in a linear, or perhaps non-linear matrix system, that we call reality? Well, we don't know reality for what it really is. Say the Grandfather Paradox. We do away with our grandfather and do some sort of linear time reset or offset. But the problems of the world continue, right? We are no longer born ourselves, but what if we are still born with our soul going to another living child? There is no true natural markup in an offset time table. There may always be that limbo set in the representation of something. Neutral regard. When we become hectic to change our past, our future becomes a little bleaker. The grass is greener on the linear side that was originally set. We weren't meant to go back in time, deviate from extinction, bad choices, or redo things altogether. Once what was set forth comes into fruition, the variable that things could have been different if we had done differently becomes, rather, non-linear. Meaning, there's a set of stories to all of us of what could've, should've, would've, came into being, but that is not for us to know. For us to know becomes irrelevant. The past! It's the past and what the past holds is knowledge. What we fail to forget is that we are already time traveling! What can we do in the future, in this next second or minute or hour, in order to change this linear time table? Become once and forget them all. Read that again. BECOME ONCE.”

“It's 3am guys. Time for a thought:
Perseverance is great, but what about the nihilistic past that is secluded among many of your decisions and hopes? At what point do you dream yourself a documentary-like fable that is supposedly this great, almighty triple-A title. Have you won an award at the Sundance for it? Imagine the plight that Sartre saw decades ago, and Beauvior ate up into her own writings. Existentialistic despise for the status quo, only to become the status quo yourself. Eventually, we all become the status quo, because the status quo was never something we achieved to be or born as, but rather the society fraught with nihilism and the propagation of disease-ridden theories as truth is something we are taught. We will always be taught that. How will we cleanse ourselves?”

This is crAaAzy

I’m so tired. I been up all night. So tired and I have to be somewhere snd I really just want to sleep so badly.

I believe that there's no such thing as the grandfather paradox. It's possible but I think you just go to a new timeline because of the "paradox paradox" - Like we're doing right now, going in the same timeline together. We're creators of our own realities. I've been feeling kind of atheistic lately though. I think it's the olanzepine. I'll stay in this state for a few years then trip again - Maybe dmt.. Once I've gotten over this 24 years old confused state after skipping the tutorial for life and just playing the game.

I have nothing to say today. Just letting you guys know that I'm ok - Just drifting..

Human changes. Sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse. Am I a naive when I want a long lasting relationship with people? I don’t like the idea of people come and go in my life. It makes me feel insecure. I need a solid ground that I can stand on. True friends are like diamonds they say, precious and hard to find. At the same time I don’t want people who are stagnant, I want them to keep improving themselves, just like what I’m trying to do with myself. I want their personality to keep growing but I want their heart to stay the same. But this world is a chaos, not everyone can be trusted to love you until the end. It hurt me when they left, the ones that I invested all my feelings on.

2AM thoughts in the middle of anxiety

Oh @newtus We’re on the same mood

Trembling from anxiety. I can sense panic attacks lurking in the corner.

Just seen I can order from the Halloween shop now from Instacart. May order some decor like a cat skeleton or something when I get some extra money in.

I love decorating my house all year round with Halloween stuff!

Neat that I can order from spirit Halloween from Instacart!

I guess I get mean and irritated when I’m sleepy. Fiancé said “you need to go back to sleep”.

I had a good day. Saw my mom at the rental house and talked and ate.

Had panic attack. Exhausted now.

Went well with the psychologist. We talked about anxiety and me back in the office for a bit, but spent a bulk on it because I came out to her as non-binary and confused. We had a good chat. First person I talked to in person about it. Felt good to get it out. Might talk to my doctor about it next week.

Playing ukulele. I feel good today. It helped to get out instead of go back to sleep.

I've had some gender identity stuff going on as well, my therapist has been very good about it.

I have just general existential identity crisis. Might take a clonazepam if I start to panic.

I took the olanzepine early so that might help..

I'm too tired to care about anything

I did some yoga tonight. It was good. Been having some trouble because I tried to come off of 1 mg Xanax XR cold turkey (I know it was a poor idea).

Yay!!!!!

Sorry, pal. Hang in there. They will figure it out. Hugs.

Is it possible you might have some depression maybe? Motivation can be related to that occasionally. Hugs.

Yeah my doctor thinks I get a low mood during the fall/winter. Also being back in the office in a pandemic doesn’t help hahah. But yeah it could be part of it.

Where is everyone?

I’m supposed to be working but I’m distracted.