Roll Call 174

newtus · Aug 24, 2020, 09:26 PM

Let’s talk!

falcon09 · Aug 24, 2020, 09:26 PM

Thanks, Newtus!

I'm pretty paranoid tonight, having a hard time taking meds

newtus · Aug 24, 2020, 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by falcon09

Thanks, Newtus!

I'm pretty paranoid tonight, having a hard time taking meds

Sorry to hear that, falcs.

newtus · Aug 24, 2020, 09:27 PM

I didn’t get the LWA btw... not sure how we will pay our bills.

Desoxyn · Aug 24, 2020, 11:13 PM

I'm dealing with trauma induced psychosis and panic attacks. When I told my mom about OCD thoughts, she understood what I was saying and the depersonalization/derealization went away with 10mg of olanzepine (The dose that my psychiatrist put me on before I wanted to go off of it). It's really complicated solipsism and I think I'm being targeted by a group of gangstalkers that got the wrong person because I typed identities of the old man that sexually harassed me in the psych ward... I'm not sure what is real and I'll have to write it all out.. But what was said is so bizarre and complex, about time machines and travelling faster than the speed of light and

Possible trigger:

rape

, politics, everything.

My mom said that anyone would turn crazy by this. I don't even care enough to type it all out but I have to otherwise my OCD will keep repeating horrible intrusive thoughts that aren't even real.

Being in the psych ward damaged me more now than when I came in there the first place. I feel like I'm being monitored or something. But I have good enough insight although it doesn't magically make me express everything clearly - Just that why I suppose it's disorganized schizophrenia.

Desoxyn · Aug 24, 2020, 11:19 PM

I already told my therapist about the OCD and trauma so I'm gonna make an appointment over the phone to speak with her about it.

Desoxyn · Aug 24, 2020, 11:30 PM

Alex Jones and interdimensional

Possible trigger:

pedophiles

Possible trigger:

Don't help. The old man attempted to have sex with me and then he died - Interdimnesional pedophile. But I was 20 so kinda not? Then why was everyone calling him a pedophile?

Then I see "God is a gay schizophrenic pedophile" because I typed that in thinking of what he is ... this thing that disturbed the living **** out of me and then made my bad trip 1000x worse because he did it on christmas.. With a kid that used live with him where he hung himself.. on the anniversary he wanted to book a hotel with me what a sick ****.

Then I think well, other labels aside, I'm not a pedophile but what if I'm still attracted to people that are my current age when I'm his age before he died (50 something)? Does that make me a pedophile? What if it happens>

I'm too tired to write. But I feel better writing this. It's just weird solipsism.

And Trump is supposed to save us from evils of the world? It's like comedy writers wrote my life all i hear is "trump trump trump" and it's all nonsense.

Idk if the world is run by

Possible trigger:

pedophiles

That's all I see on social media. The whole pandemic and people going crazy makes me crazy. I agree that it isn't a sexuality because I have a really confusing sexuality but I'm not attracted to children. I care too much about what people think and my OCD is like "What if they think that even after you tell them" well, I'm gonna tell the truth and beat OCD - But it controls me. It makes me say it because it makes me obsess over things like killing a family member or harming myself, etc it goes on and on

bpcyclist · Aug 25, 2020, 02:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I'm dealing with trauma induced psychosis and panic attacks. When I told my mom about OCD thoughts, she understood what I was saying and the depersonalization/derealization went away with 10mg of olanzepine (The dose that my psychiatrist put me on before I wanted to go off of it). It's really complicated solipsism and I think I'm being targeted by a group of gangstalkers that got the wrong person because I typed identities of the old man that sexually harassed me in the psych ward... I'm not sure what is real and I'll have to write it all out.. But what was said is so bizarre and complex, about time machines and travelling faster than the speed of light and

Possible trigger:

rape

, politics, everything.

My mom said that anyone would turn crazy by this. I don't even care enough to type it all out but I have to otherwise my OCD will keep repeating horrible intrusive thoughts that aren't even real.

Being in the psych ward damaged me more now than when I came in there the first place. I feel like I'm being monitored or something. But I have good enough insight although it doesn't magically make me express everything clearly - Just that why I suppose it's disorganized schizophrenia.

I doubt you are being monitored, Des. Hugs.

bpcyclist · Aug 25, 2020, 02:43 AM

Albert bawling and woke me up again.

newtus · Aug 25, 2020, 07:06 AM

Didnt sleep at all

bpcyclist · Aug 25, 2020, 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

Didnt sleep at all

Sorry, newtus.

Sometimes psychotic · Aug 25, 2020, 10:22 AM

I don’t remember if I mentioned this yesterday but we are partially locking down again....th indoor part of bars and restaurants will be closed.....it’s just one zone outside the city....not the whole state....

newtus · Aug 25, 2020, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

I don’t remember if I mentioned this yesterday but we are partially locking down again....th indoor part of bars and restaurants will be closed.....it’s just one zone outside the city....not the whole state....

Wow that’s crazy

Angelique67 · Aug 25, 2020, 11:05 AM

Thanks for the new roll call. I can't connect to posts 1 thru 10 for some reason.

SlumberKitty · Aug 25, 2020, 11:43 AM

Thanks for the new roll call!

SlumberKitty · Aug 25, 2020, 11:44 AM

Looks like our health insurance might be changing again. Ugh. We had really good health insurance, no deductibles, reasonable out of pocket maximums etc. The new plan that they are looking at is not as good. They have deductibles and they have higher out of pocket maximums. Not good.

Desoxyn · Aug 25, 2020, 12:16 PM

I wake up and the OCD hell continues but in the morning this time instead of the evening.

Desoxyn · Aug 25, 2020, 12:50 PM

"Most people with OCD are ashamed of our thoughts. Once you are able to open up about them to your therapist, they slowly lose power over you as you begin to realize that they are just that - thoughts. Hope you find healing!"

Desoxyn · Aug 25, 2020, 01:42 PM

Here's what I wrote on a FB OCD forum (Beware it's quite messed up);

Possible trigger:

I started developing POCD after I searched google "God is a gay schizophrenic pedophile" and found a philosophy forum post talking about crazy things - She was banned from a "genius" or MENSA forum, talking about time machines and going faster than the speed of light and dooms day devices. I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia but was sexually harassed and stalked in the psych ward when I was 20 by a crack smoking pedophile. I'm 100% not attracted to children but what if I'm still attracted to people my own age (I'm 24) when I'm his age (50 something), will I then become a pedophile? I'm not a child - But that old man had an underaged boy living with him and likely having sex. The boy killed himself on Christmas day. The old man phoned me the next Christmas day asking to book a hotel with me and have sex. I said I'm not gay or bi and hung up the phone. I didn't realize until after that he was masturbating and crying to my voice on the phone. Later he died of an overdose in the psych ward. I then took a lot of mushrooms on Boxing Day and had a bad trip - Thinking love is fake and people just want sex from me or anyone else. It's weird. He was "Christian" and a conspiracy theorist - I think maybe Alex Jones is right about interdimensional pedophiles so I'm being targeted by people - But I'm the wrong person and pedophiles run the world and the hype about it all in the world is triggering me. I just want to let this out because it's all driving me nuts. I was treated for OCD when I was 16 but never had POCD until now after reading all of these posts especially about them.

It helped to write that out. I'm at the doctors office waiting to talk to my doctor and get refills. Everything will be ok.. idk what I'm gon a do after bit I'll try and find something productive and relax, breathe.

falcon09 · Aug 25, 2020, 02:45 PM

woke up super late

WastingAsparagus · Aug 25, 2020, 03:06 PM

I can't get motivated to do anything. My parents are telling me that's b.s. and I should just get to work and stuff. I can't believe this. I just cannot get motivated to do anything. It's a completely ridiculous problem to have. I talk to a therapist and take my meds and stuff and I still feel this way. I guess meds cannot just cause me to have motivation again. I need some sort of change but I don't know what it should be. I was also seriously considering leaving the country again and going back to Argentina last week. I am still considering it. I think I have reverse culture shock from when I lived in Argentina for a year or so.

WastingAsparagus · Aug 25, 2020, 03:12 PM

Also I feel like cancelling all my plans today. Only two things on the schedule but I feel like cancelling both of them.

Desoxyn · Aug 25, 2020, 03:19 PM

Feeling better. The OCD thoughts are not bothering me right now.

I saw my doctor and got refills. He put "40mg" Vyvanse instead of "50mg" so I have to go back to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick it up after they get a fax from the clinic that it was actually supposed to be 50mg.

I'm afraid of running out of Vyvanse - That would be hell.