Roll Call 174

Cleaned up the yard, swept the dirt and glass etc.. My mom told me to do it while she is gone.

I was going to read after I do it but now I feel too tired. Will be sleeping soon.

Not sure what I'm gonna do tomorrow. I should plan it.

cant sleep

Slept a little. Tired.

So proud of myself. I made 3 phone calls today. One to ask about getting my library membership renewed, one to get a prescription filled, and one to make a dentist appointment.

Got the laundry in the washer. My dentist appointment is September 8th. My care manager set up my transportation.

Felt physical anxiety this morning before the atenolol kicked in. The beta blocker might be masking benzo withdrawal.

Yay found a youtube video that shows how to make fabric masks fit better. Now my favorite mask isn't too loose like it was

Addicted to this song, it’s really chill.

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I notice that my eye movements are different when I'm having derealization - They zig zag everywhere.. This article says that they can tell if someone has schizophrenia or autism by their eye movements.

Gonna listen to some podcasts

Got home early, put laundry in, took a shower, now I'm going to enjoy 2 beers.

Ambien is doing nothing to help me sleep. I don't understand how it's suppose to help exactly. It's not making me feel sleepy at all.

10mg? Some people say 20mg puts them right to sleep. Be careful though.. Don't take it, watch TV or something and then go to bed.. You have to try and sleep. I even have to try and sleep with zopiclone although I'm going into a sleep state this past week.. I've been sleeping 30-60 minutes more every night for a week..

You got off the mirtazepine though! That's good.. Just wait a while (Few months) for withdrawal to lessen and then you'll be able to sleep better.

7.5mg of zopiclone and 5mg of olanzepine puts me right to sleep.. I slept 13 hours last night. I wake up in the middle of the night to eat SUGAR.. I feel the diabetes coming.. Idk.. I'm ok with waking up in the middle of the night because I always go back to sleep due to sleep inertia - That's why if I don't take Vyvanse, I'm constantly in sleep inertia... For months, years..

This chart is really good for comparing the effectiveness of benzos;

Don’t drink with ambien!

Popular Monster
Falling In Reverse
Yeah
I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze
I'm not sure if I should say this, ****, I'll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
I don't know if it's a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah
I battle with depression, but the question still remains
Is this post-traumatic stressin' or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
Yeah, it's not a ****ing phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay
Yeah, I struggle with this ******** everyday
And it's probably 'cause my demons simultaneously rage
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I'm a popular, popular monster
I think I'm going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze
Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace
I'm in a race against myself I try to keep a steady pace
How the **** will I escape if I never close my case?
Oh my God, I keep on stressin', every second that I waste
Is another second sooner to a blessing I won't take
But my therapist will tell me that I'm going through a stage
Yeah, it's not a ****ing stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay
Mother****er, now you got my attention
I need to change a couple things 'cause something is missin'
And what if I were to lie, tell you everything is fine?
Every single ****ing day I get closer to the grave
I am terrified, I fell asleep at the wheel again
Crashed my car just to feel again
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I'm a popular, popular ****ing monster
Yeah, here we go again, mother****er, oh
We're sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a God that you don't believe
We're searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is, oh, where the **** is your god now?
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I'm a popular, popular monster
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster

Having a panic attack

I'm noticing signs of TD again. I had it when I was on Invega Sustenna. The APs I'm on now are thorazine and trilafon. Guess I'll have to see about coming off them and just staying on my AD and moodstabilizer.

@Desoxyn it could be remeron withdrawal. I've been off it all week, i didn't do the 4 day half dosage, i just went off it completely and I haven't had any side effects--besides sleepless nights. I am on 10mgs of Ambien. Damn man, you know a lot of **** lol I was on remeron for quite some time, maybe that's the reason ambien is being so ineffective. How quick is it suppose to work? I took it at 11pm and was up until 2am--but every pasing hour I took more and more benadyl and an extra benzo just trying to fall asleep.

I was up so late last night that when I hope up this morning I started to slip in and out o cosciousness as I drove to work which is pretty typical.

I see my pdoc again on the 11th of september, so I might be able to get a higher dosage of ambien if that is the case but also talk to her about ketamine options.

The 2 ketamine options that I see ahead, the nasal spray (rip off) and the infusion (even more expensive!) are ****** options. It costs like $2 at the pharmacy, im hoping that she lets me somehow get it through that route but what are the chances honestly? I practically live with a nurse. Maybe that will help my argument. It's just not feasable to do infusions because insoruance, if I had it, doesn't cover it. So that would be $600 a WEEK out of my pocket. That's insane.

Doing decently today. Just in kind of a depressed mood but that's fine. I'll get over it. I got back into grad school. I think the thing is that I have nothing to do if I drop out of grad school. So therefore my mood will go way south if I drop out. That's at least what I figured out. And the instability I felt on the meds was the reason why I was going back and forth on my options so many times.

Anyway, I decided for now that I'm sticking with grad school, even though I may complain about it. I still can't really get motivated to do work on it but that's more related to my mood than anything.

How much longer do you have left of grad school?

6 months or less. Depending on how long it takes me to write my thesis...

Maybe longer actually.

By the 30th of this month the Remeron should be out of my body completely. The only side effects is insomnia. I have a feeling I will be dealing with insomnia for quite some time. Also, I see that Ambien is not recommended for long term use. This is turning into a mess. There should be long term meds that help me sleep but my "feeling" circuitboard is completely off, so I never feel sleepy unless its 430am, but then I need to wake up at 8am to work, and I can't live like this.

@Desoxyn, I'll try harder to go to sleep, maybe that will help if I take restoril at 930 and hit the hay at 10pm

It's not a defeat to take a little Remeron and slowly get off of it - ~30mg is a big dose. Yknow how long I've been tapering phenibut? Over a year! I'm on 175mg a day now instead of 750-1000mg a day... Just take your time, be mindful.. I know you don't want to deal with any of this crap and just want to sleep.. It's quite terrible - Not being able to sleep.. Cuz during the day, you're not rested and you're thinking like "****.. I'm gonna have to lie down in the darkness, alone, scared with schiz etc and try to stop existing for a while just to immediately wake up exhausted as hell one second later - And go to work...".

You could be at the peak of insomniac madness right now - Or have passed it (Seems likely). It only gets better from here - The longer you go through withdrawal. Ambien has a very short half life (Shorter than zopiclone or temazepam) so it's a good med to take long term. Eventually this nightmare will be over and you'll find some peace, free from psychosis too - You can write, drink a few beers every now and then, etc..

I made my own spray but not using it because I'm dealing with mental depersonalization/derealization anxiety (Possibly from alprazolam withdrawal - And the atenolol is masking the physical anxiety). When you get hit with the ketamine, it's like "Oh cool.. the depression is gone". It's like taking a benzo for anxiety (People without anxiety don't really get benzo euphoria).

I hope you get a good sleep tonight. After not sleeping a couple nights in a row, you can reward yourself with a benzo for suffering so much even as much as skipping a night of sleep sometimes to get to that point.

No worries you'll be ok =]

So apparently there’s gonna be a full moon on Halloween night this year. Yep 2020 keeps dealing us deuces.

Oh that’s not bad! I think you can do that no problem.

Oh **** lol..