Roll Call 176

Man these nutrition shakes are a godsend. Like if I'm having a panic attack at the end of the day (which is when I usually do) I can just drink one and not have to worry about cooking while dissociated, which isn't safe

Yes!!! Missed u!

Not really

I'm glad you have them! It's good that you don't cook while dissociated! I hope you don't keep having panic attacks though. I get them rarely but when I do they are a doozy. I can't imagine having them daily!

I'm sorry!!!!!


Anything you wanna talk about or you just wanna chill? Either is fine! I'll be online for about another hour on this website if you do want to talk about anything that is bothering you.

Fiancé says he’s frustrated with me sleeping all day. Says it’s probably why things don’t get done. Which upset me. I’m trying to change my schedule around. I even slept most of the night past 3 nights but still slept during the day a bit.

He doesn’t understand that it’s my meds. I wake up and take my meds and feel sleepy again. Like very very sleepy. When I’m tired I get dissociative-like. You know? The typical, I’m so tired I can’t do a thing, but that plus feeling severely out of it. Like I’m trying to work against the medicine. As if I was working against a sleep aid.

I mean I’m assuming it the meds. They at least have partly to do with me sleeping during the day. Vraylar kept me awake at 1.5 mg but once I got on 3mg I got tired. And I think Zoloft doesn’t help at all to stay awake either!

Just made me feel extremely awful.

But I guess it’s also like, if I want kids, how do I work all this out? With the meds I mean.

On my meds, I'm not good enough because I either sleep, do too much self care, or am not up to everyone's par of what I should be doing. Off meds, Im told I need to be in the hospital cuz I'm not doing the right thing by not being on meds or just ya know, I'm too sick. On meds with symptoms, it's my fault I'm having symptoms because I'm not doing something "right" in my life.

@newtus....that's a tough one. I'm sorry you are so tired from the meds. It's hard once your sleep gets messed up to get it back to where you want it. It's encouraging that you have slept during the night the past three nights! That's a good step.

I'm sorry that Fiance was frustrated with your sleep. I'm sure he isn't frustrated with you. Just that you know, you aren't feeling the best and having to sleep. It's probably frustrating to you too. I know you want kids and I think you will make a great Mom. May be that your meds needs some tweaking or something like that. I don't really know for sure but if you were doing better on the 1.5 mg of Vraylar maybe you could go back to that if your doctor says it is okay.


How are you psychosis symptoms?


Plus it is going from Summer to Winter which makes us all go a bit into hibernation mode. I know it does for me. That may have something to do with it too.

I'm sorry you are struggling.

Wish there was more I could do.

Sending you big hugs,
Kit

@newtus, I'm getting off work now so I probably won't be on until Monday but I hope you feel better. HUGS Kit

listening to some punk and smoking

Have the pumpkin pie in the oven now since I'm feeling better and can keep an eye on it

I love pumpkin pie!

Yeah it's great! The hard part will be leaving it alone till my sister comes over Sunday so we can share some. I mean, I think having a piece or 2 before then wouldn't hurt anything though.., it's a big pie

Have some I say!

I will

Well, it's done. Now to just let it cool

Getting some frozen cheeseburgers from Family Dollar tomorrow. They're like 2 dollars each and they're microwavable, they're actually really good. You just put them in the microwave for like 80 seconds. I'll have to get some ketchup too since I'm out. I'll probably take a couple walks too.

Anyway, I just had a piece of pumpkin pie, was weird eating it a little warm but it was still good, will be even better tomorrow when it's chilled in the fridge.

Me too, i can't eat hot chili, or other hot foods. Even mild/medium salsa is too hot for me now.

Be careful if you can. In 2013 I was forced to go cold turkey after a 30 year history of taking Klonopin or diazepam every day.

I almost died. I was up for 10 days and I was completely psychotic and physically sick. My feet still seize up and the neuropathy and body sensations. I had every symptom in the (Ashton?) method.

There was an initial period of feeling spaced out and at peace, and after that my anxiety was out of control. The only thing I could do was pour myself a glass of wine and sip until the anxiety eased up. I didn't use much but I had to use it everyday. That took about a year. Now I still have anxiety but I'm here where they don't even give a prn. So, probably to control my anxiety I eat tons of candy (mostly hard candy) and it relaxes me a bit. But my weight is out of control. There were much much worse things, but I'm afraid to post about them.

So, I don't want anyone to go through any of that if they can avoid it. But don't start taking any wine or liquor with a Klonopin (or any other benzo). That will just make it much worse. If you skip the Klonopin, then it should be safe enough to use small amounts of alcohol.

I don’t think I’m gonna be on here for awhile. Idk. Maybe idk.

I just am going through a lot and I don’t have anyone to talk to that I can relate to at this point in my life about my life issues. I can’t afford therapy but once a month but I know it’s not enough. I’m kinda stuck in my head right now with everything and idk how to get out. My life hasn’t been the same at all since I lost my job and idk where to go from here. I don’t write anymore or do much of anything but sleep and maybe play video games. I’m not interested in life anymore and I could almost not care less about life.

I don’t have any support for what I would like to do in life except for this writing stuff and i don’t see it going anywhere.

Also I didn't leave my apartment at all for over a year. Then I developed a phobia of the stairs and couldn't handle going up or down unless someone could help me.

I hope you'll change your mind and stay. It sounds like you're in a funk. Can you tell your pdoc about being too sleepy on your meds? Maybe they could give you a stimulant. You have to get out of bed before you can work on your goals.

Can you take any kind of vacation? Getting away by yourself might be really helpful to try to think of everything you want to do and how to go about it. You could write about this season in your life and I bet tons of people can relate to it. You have to keep writing.

Sedated by olanzepine

Pdoc knows about that. He’s not doing anything for it right now and he doesn’t want to change my meds.

I can’t take vacation. I’m broke. But it’d be nice. My mom offered us to go on vacation with her but I don’t think it’s wise to.

You’re right tho. I do need to keep writing. I’ll try to keep writing. I’ll try my best. This is a good topic, too, yes. Thank you!

Hi, I rarely come here anymore,mostly because I'm overwhelmed. I have so much bad stuff going on, it's impossible to believe. Some of it is my fault, some not. I am so stupid and I can't seem to help myself. No one understands what I'm going through. I've got so much going on mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially, plus other kinds of things. I'm in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. I have no one. I'm lonely. I'm horribly depressed (but not suicidal). I'm worried I'm going to lose my car because, after making every payment on time and in full every month for over a year, I messed up my finances and don't have the money. I don't know why, but I need to vent when I'm suffering, and I tell the wrong people. I told my judgmental sister, and I hate myself because I knew better. My boyfriend snaps at me and ignores me. Yes, I have a psychiatrist and I'm on meds. I'm in debt. I'm worried about my cats. There's so much more. I can't even prioritize, because one thing after another keeps coming up. I want to move into my own place, but I don't know how to take care of myself, and I want my cats. I want out of this state. I don't know how to not be negative. It's just all the time. My nerves are always bad. My stomach is always nervous. I have bathroom issues, and I have urinary urge incontinence and IBS. My OCD, panic disorder, and depression are too much, and I can't afford someone to talk to (Telehealth would be great), but I need to get away first. I have no family nearby, and they judge me negatively, anyway, and I have no friends. People who don't understand what it's like inside my head and body, and what my life is like, give me "tough love," tell me to basically "just do it" (like I can turn off my mental and physical health issues), and tell me either to leave my boyfriend (I would if I could!) or to stay with him/I don't appreciate him. How do you appreciate someone who calls you "defective," "crazy" (by Virtue of having a mental problem, he says that automatically makes me crazy), and gets everyone to sympathize with him? My sister says that's just the way men are, and this is the best situation someone like me could be in. I'm so miserable!