Roll Call 181

I get overwhelmed so easily

I'm overwhelmed as well. I finished skiing - Going tomorrow too. Nice sunny day.

I'm not sure what to do.. There's too much I can do!!

I feel like I want to stop taking the Latuda and just be on lithium. My doctor mentioned that we might get to that point with the help of the psychiatrist.

But I just have it in my head to go off altogether tomorrow.

Ugh. Thoughts.

So quiet here today. I was busy with work and then I went and paid the accountant fees, then bought a math book. Then made dinner. Watched TV.

Now I’m laying in bed trying to sleep.

Here's my biggest problem @ Roll Call people..;

I don't like the way that I feel. I never like the way that I feel.

And if I could just accept how I feel, I wouldn't need to change it.. Cuz I just spent 10 minutes looking at prices for research chemicals.

Many of these RC's were synthesized by Alexander Shulgin I realize.. I want to continue reading the book... But not now..

Right now I have to do something spiritually to accept my current state.. for once.. It's been almost a decade of changing meds.. I almost have them - But also, I'm very compelled into going the easy way into my interests..

I should read the books first.. and then find a way... To go somewhere.. In unknown space and time.. alone, solipsistically..

I should have ate before I took my night meds. Now I have really bad heartburn from them.

I watched The Shack tonight. I’ve seen it before and read the book but I wanted to watch it again so I bought it while I was at the store today.
Really good movie. Makes me feel more connected to my faith.

I’m tired, idk why because I slept till 1pm. That’s all I do now basically is sleep. I need to get of the Thorazine. I’m gonna start tapering off tonight.
It takes away all my energy.

I feel so happy =] and sad =[

I wish I could go off of antipsychotics and just be put on a mood stabilizer for agitation - And if I have psychotic thoughts, I'll have enough insight as long as I'm not agitated enough to act them out.. Then I can drink LSD vials?? Idk..

My goal is to come off of the antipsychotic if I can't be prescribed Dexedrine boosters with the Vyvanse because I don't think it's worth it.

Besides, my schizophrenia was caught early right?? At some point my brain will be healed like they promised me.. Although I did really F that up horribly.

Anyways going skiing tomorrow morning - Taking both Vyvanse at 7:30am and then gonna drink a strong coffee =] It will be a really sunny day no wind. I can see the stars already!

I haven’t stepped foot outside my house in a few months due to my agoraphobia. How do I go about trying to leave the house again?

Generally do something with another person first....it reduces the anxiety.....

Not to discourage you, you might have better luck but my pdoc was all if you have recurring psychosis you’ve got to stay on the AP forever even though I was all hey if we cure the mood swings well I won’t get psychosis right? So yeah don’t go off.

That’s a lesson I learned the hard way

I’ll do that then.

I guess it really only took 1 day

Also my desk is dirty so sorry about that

Also the main light is on so it’s not a real good representation of how cool the room really is.

Sorry for spamming.

I’ll take a pic later tonight when it’s dark out to get a good pic of how cool it is.

Sorry again.

Fiancé brought something to my attention.

He said living here with our income now, allows us to live comfortably and I didn’t think of it like that. But I like that.

Oh yeah I shouldn’t do it myself I was just having the thought in my head.

That’s good. Nice to feel comfortable and not have to stress so much about finances.

Sometimes I still do. There’s been a couple times I have splurged my money due to mania or hypomania. Other than that it’s probably best I learn to take it easy with spending anyway.

My mom told me to get the expiry date from the jeep so I asked my sister to help me cuz Idk wtf to do with car papers or how to read them. I brought in the bundle of papers and my mom said "That's the wrong one" so I got mad, put them back and then looked at the real expiry date. She couldn't get it updated cuz the toll was always closed, the website links to a phone number and the phone number was down.. Then the woman says "I gave you a warning"...

These things annoy the hell out of me. I hate insurance and stuff.

I guess it’s like... my doctor wants me to be on as little meds as possible. So if the lithium works by itself that would be great! I’m not hoping for anything really.

Except that the psychiatrist would call me already jfc.

FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY!

I got myself in some debt because of spending sprees probably hypomania. Slowly trying to get myself out of it.