Roll Call 181

I haven’t slept during the day at all and I’m extremely tired

J.R.R. Tolkien’s painting. Man really made the best out of his life

new neighbor wants to be friends with me......for some reason that makes me anxious

So apparently I need to spend more time out of my apartment because being in here 24/7 is making me depressed to the point of being

So what do I do and where the hell do I go. Just walk around town or something ?

Why are my night meds suddenly giving me heartburn after I take them. That’s 2 nights in a row now. Maybe I’m not eating close enough to the time I take them? Idk they never did that before

I feel like I'm in psychosis. I'm gonna take 5mg of olanzepine, try to sleep and start a new day.

I thought of taking Vyvanse and phenibut to stay up all night but bad idea

Maybe I need antipsychotics. But my mind is deteriorating. It's ****ing depressing. It's horrible.

People keep telling me to stop antipsychotics because they're bad for my brain. So many people tell me that. So wtf

Lots of **** is bad for people including too much sugar or not enough exercise. Medication is not one of those things.

Those people who say that stuff can go **** themselves.

Yeah I've been doing better on these meds than I ever was since ages 10-20. I barely even notice that I'm on antipsychotics.

I'll take the injection which is due soon on the 25th and wait another 9 weeks with Dexedrine boosters in the evening with Vyvanse and see how I do...

Just right now I might need to sleep. I'll be in the house alone tomorrow so I'll do some reading and stuff and then I'll get up for work on Saturday morning..

This reply really helps. You have no idea. lol.. <3

No problem. I hope you have a good sleep and things look up in the morning

I am worried because I feel like I'll never have the stability to have a full-time job.

Like I work so hard on my mental health already. Isn't that enough?

Don't worry we will own nothing and be happy...

No jk.. Just takes a little stabilization - Seems bleak right now but you'll get better. We just need to keep trying.

I’m trying to be consistent but it’s hard.

I used to go to bed 830pm wake up 5am. Now I go to bed around 830pm-9pm and wake up at 7am. I appreciate the extra sleep. I need it.

But with mania it’s been hard to sleep. Some nights I stayed up until 3am. Or sleep two hours total.

Trying to get back into sleeping regularly and well. I didn’t sleep until around 11pm last night and even then kept tossing and turning until I woke up around 5am.

I type this as I lay in bed past 9pm. Trying to calm myself down to sleep. Latuda used to help me sleep but it doesn’t anymore. Guess I got used to it.

Keeps popping in my brain to go off it. I almost didn’t take it tonight. But I did. Just can’t shake the thought. Maybe I’ll talk to my doctor on Monday about it.

Yeah like when I was in undergrad I was able to go to bed consistently at 9-10 pm and get up at 6:40 AM every morning. I don't know how the **** I did that! I really don't. I am so unstable these days. It's absolutely ridiculous. How the **** did I do it back then?

Full time jobs are good for making more money and filling the time. But don’t push yourself into it. You’ll be ready when you’re ready, or you might never be ready. And that’s okay, really.

I was kind of the opposite. Most of my early to mid 20s were hypomanic (or maybe manic? Idk anymore) episodes upon more episodes and for a big chunk of it I would sleep 3-4 hours a night, get up bright eyed and bushy tailed, barely eat, work retail all day, and study half the night.

Even when I was really depressed I would barely sleep.

I’m not that young anymore hahaha.

I mean I had big struggles in undergrad too. Hospitalizations etc. But after those were over I got my game together I suppose. But now it's like all that progress is erased.

I sleep at 11pm-12am and wake up at 11am. If I slept like even 6-7 hours a night, I'd just go psychotic. Lack of sleep is the biggest trigger for psychosis for me.

I stayed up for 36 hours or so last year and I seemed so cognitively impaired that I never did it again.

I’m sorry. Sometimes I feel guilty talking about my struggles when really I have it pretty good. I don’t mean to try to compare our experiences.

You’re alive for another day - that’s progress!

No, I didn't take it that way, no need to apologize. And you're right.

I’ll admit - I’ve never been hospitalized for my mental health issues.

Should I have been hospitalized at some point but just wasn’t? Probably. There were times I was so out of it I probably could have used a time out. Even recently I could have used one.

But I don’t want to step away from all these things I have going on. Work! School! It’s all important to me and I can’t step away. I never could. Even at my worst.

Sometimes I feel this puts me at a disadvantage because the psychiatrist says I’m ‘too high functioning’ for blah blah.

Honestly I think I just am good at compartmentalizing things. And I hate bothering people.

One time I was writing an exam at the college. Anyway, at the time I was totally lost insight psychotic. I was convinced I was a cyborg experiment and ‘they’ were watching me. After writing the exam I took a prewritten and photocopied manifesto and put copies of it all over the campus.

I didn’t have a name on it and I’m lucky no one caught me doing it otherwise I would have been hospitalized right there.