Roll Call 182

Well I got my abilify injection

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I think I started to feel bad after I ate 85% and 70% cocoa dark chocolate 2-3 days ago.. The next day I did..

Then I took phenibut

My aunt got her 1st vaccine today. My country uses Sinovax from China. Hope she’ll be okay

I feel good after I eat chocolate. I feel good after I eat anything I just love food so much, it’s comforting. But probably it’s just mentally good not physically idk. I tend to ignore or not aware of the sensation in my body

Reminder to visit your good friend the self care box ❤️

Hi guys. I asked old T if I could come back and have therapy with her (we ended because of her MS but she is working again) but she told me no. That I need to keep working with current T. I'm so hurt. I have an internal locus of control so I am blaming myself of course. I tried to process it with current T but it didn't go so well. I don't really think current T got my distress.

I swallowed a 1000mg capsule of NAC. Excited...

I wish I could just get some bourbon and get drunk so I don’t feel like this anymore. I feel empty and numb. I tried to work but barely got anything done.

I’m going to try to study after work, and then try some self care.



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I want to play tag at the beach

I felt dissociative earlier. Nothing felt real around me, and I felt disconnected from everything. I felt better after a while of grounding strategies my psych had taught me. The Five Senses. I still feel empty but not as disconnected.

It's stupid how my brain works. First I think the meds are poison and refuse to take them, now I talk to my psychologist on Wednesday I'm going to talk how I've been having obsessive thoughts real bad the past while.

How is everyone else doing today?

Eh, fine. I basically have no pdoc now except the IOP pdoc. Which is fine. Also means I am gonna have to find a new one after the conclusion of the IOP I think.

I feel pretty good today although I still kind of feel depression and negative thoughts trying to drag me back in but I'm ignoring/not letting it

Yeah, I don't know what I'd do, I'm such a choclaholic.

Am exploring the macrocosm.. The history of the Canadian economy.. Of rainbows and unicorns. Housing bubble!.. Everyone is in debt, enslaved by the banks and corporations.. Unemployment..

Was watching conspiracy news as well - Now that some aren't conspiracies anymore..

Mental state is ok.. I just felt like today I'm a little worn down and want to relax a little..

OMG, how horrible, what did you do? I would have screamed and jumped and probably landed right on top of it.

I killed it, I didn't know what to do because it ended up climbing across me and going to the back of the chair and I didn't want it in my hoodie or in my hair or down my shirt

Sorry to any spider lovers I may have offended

OMG, how horrible! I guess in that situation I'd try to swoop it down to the floor and try to put a chair leg on it. Unless it was one of those really fast ones. I've been lately thinking about spiders and hoping there are none near my bed.

Two of my drink mixes were stolen at some point. I really miss them. They were still sealed, two of the same flavor. I want Pepsi so much, but I would have been fine with the drink mix.

I've given up on studying for the day. Watching cooking shows. It's a good distraction.

Lots of information today
Can't take it
I don't want to dissociate. I don't want to take meds.
Too much happened. I can't please the whole world.
Everything is BS.
I'm sitting in this house, isolated - No contact.
Why is everything I do wrong or I realize. I'm tired of fighting with myself.

I don't know what to do with myself. As time goes on, I'm beginning to see just how damaged I am. I think I may be either schizotypal or schizoid personality disorder, because of the fact I can't have mental emotions, I can't feel lonely, and a host of new problems show up because of it. I'm thinking the schizoid one... This is really bad news for me. One of the symptoms is that they can't form meaningful relationships. That's a dagger to the heart.

Also, I'm seeing a lot of people heavily criticize me, im mean deep criticisms, even hatred towards me, a group actually thinks I'm satan! lol I'm more troubled than I ever realized. It's like water running through my fingers, I can't control it. My trauma has gotten better, I can still be an asshole here and there though. I'm always doom and gloom because I can't feel positive emotions. This mental illness keeps bringing me to my knees, and it weights on everyone around me. I feel like I'm just a burden, and the longer I live the more people absolutely *hate* me.

Laying in bed all the distractions are gone and I’m left with this hurt this empty feeling in my chest I wish I just felt normal it’s been like four months.

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