Roll Call 186

I have existential vertigo right now.

I think it's because I don't think translation is the right career path for me.

Maybe I should write books or something.

This sucks.

Really excited about my obgyn appt in 2 days.

I’ll go in for my first prenatal appt to get an ultrasound to hear the heartbeat of the baby and get an official due date.

Then they said I would come back not long after that to get a sonogram of what the actual baby looks like so far. I’ll probably be 8 weeks by then. As I’m 6 weeks, today.

The anatomy ultrasound, where I find out the gender is gonna be a game changer!!! Then I do a baby shower or I mean other people can do it for me. I can get specific whatever I want for my boy or girl!

So beyond exciting and life changing for me. For anyone really, but this really has to be something you want. Besides situations where they may non consensual parties involved, having a baby… well it’s not about you anymore. It’s now about the baby 24/7. Yes it’s hard but it’s literally the most exciting thing in the world and I’m so in love

I feel like my life has complete passion and purpose now. I’m a mom

::::::Trigger:::::::

My mom has been saying nasty stuff about my baby. Keeps saying I’m gonna miscarry. been saying nasty stuff about me too. It’s all very stressful.

I also wanna say I’ve quit vaping and drinking and I literally never thought I’d be able to. I just cold Turkied it. It’s wild. I feel like that was a literal act of god to be able to stop

She got back tonight, she's gonna bring me some robitussin tomorrow.

She said we're probably going to be shut down again very soon by the governor because the Delta variant of covid and covid in general is getting so bad again in the area

Sorry to hear that! Is getting bad here too. I know you had just started leaving the house, working out, and going to cookouts n stuff

Thanks, yeah, it figures lol I'm still hoping to hear from the vocational rehabilitation program if I'm accepted. Idk if they're even going to want people coming if things are going to shut down again soon. It's worth a shot though I guess.

Congrats again on your pregnancy, you'll make a great mom!

At least I'll have a cat soon, then I'll have a little companion to spend time with during all this isolation

Thank you

Little companions are the best

I am not well but I'll pretend to be well. Isn't that a common problem. What do I say to people when I can't collect my thoughts.. Everything in my awareness is also outside of it - Floating around, under the ocean. I have anxiety heart beating fast.

I'm constantly manipulated. I think my own family manipulates me let alone any friend or stranger.

What I'm doing isn't working.. My therapist ghosted me. I feel worthless at the bottom of experiential life. To get somewhere or anywhere as much as the hope I have, I fall lower and lower into the void.

Ah now is a moment of clarity once the sun shines through the clouds.. It can be ok.. I have flaws and great flaws but I don't want a flaw circle jerk that negative people do. Why do they do that? I honestly want to know.

I have my moms histrionic side and my dads paranoid side. They are both traumatized. I too am traumatized.. But from before birth. I never wanted this. What ever this is.

I honestly feel like I'm at the bottom of a pit. I have no way of generating income in this world. It feels pretty pitiful.

But is it possible that work doesn't create meaning? I feel like my life is pretty meaningful in and of itself.

I've worked so hard.. Mechanics, welding, other jobs.. But it got me nowhere. Work doesn't equal meaning. It is the proper work. As John McAfee says, follow the heart.

It's hard for people to know what they really want... People go to college/university, then they want a job.. Then they want a promotion. Before u know it, death knocks on the door.

Follow the heart...

Also, my current therapist is destroying my morale. She thinks she is helping me find meaning but it's not helping. She's just forcing me to do something I don't want to do: finish my MA and become a translator. I remember a long time ago I went to a party and I said I hated translation. It's so exact. Nothing is an exact science. And yet people treat it that way.

Also why do therapists have so much authority? Ha.

I imagine a lot of scenarios where I am in a world of fantasy and I do amazing things, everything in my life is in perfect sync instead of the purgatory I'm in - A white room full of big black dots - That's the 5-MeO-DMT realm.. The most potent of realms the world has known. An opposite world.

But it's about gaining peoples understanding of why I am this way in my mind. People just find a vision, go out and do it. I just have way too much thoughts. But it comes down to basic gratitude, mindfulness, content.. You sit in the lake for a while, you walk out to the deep end and right where you feel like your floating, drowning and swimming, that's it.. That's what the goal is. Flow, or w/e.. It can be done with everything.

All things are perfect within the meaning that they are given. They get recycled through all human emotions and more in the spiritual world, like strings weaving together at what seems random to make a shirt.. Or a cloth..

Realize that people are often a little simple minded and will not have the creativity or open mindedness and take what you say at face value (?) I only used the worlds face value since today.. But idk.. Not saying that I am not simple minded at times or not closed minded.. But it works like solipsism too - You are the destiny manifestor of yourself - And other people can give suggestions - But unleash your chaos and and don't be afraid of creativity, stepping out of your comfort zone etc.. We have a long road to travel and reality is never as what it seems. Idk..

I just wrote for a while. Actually just transcribed what I wrote by hand. It felt good.

IMO helping others creates meaning....that’s sometimes but not always paid.

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If you learned Spanish there are potentially lots of roles outside of direct translation.

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Yeah all of that is true. I was just in a bad mood.

I want to kms. I can't get out of this realm. It's the same all of the time. I wish drugs killed me already. I'm in complete hell. I'm too uncertain or scared to change. I need help.

I might go insane. I don't care what I do. I can do anything I want because I don't care anymore.

Sorry I just need to vent...