Roll Call 187

That sounds great, I love tamales.

I was thinking about this today.. I used to attempt to write prose poems/songs/paragraphs at an average of 2-3 times a month. I was like - "Well this is good.. I guess I only do this when I feel like writing". Same goes for playing guitar and I even started playing piano at one point.

It just has been slowly decreasing every month. It's been like a year and I haven't done these things.

I think it's a creative thing - Then doing something because you think that you must do it (And you do) is a way to bypass the thing and do it no matter what..

There has to be a balance between the two I think.. But you can still be happy following thought or feeling exclusively - Just prepare for the consequences of the deficit o.-

Yeah I’m like this too. The solution for me is to make a schedule about things that I need to do. So that I won’t be a slave to my emotion, because my emotion is unreliable. Just like it’s better to have an eating schedule than eating whenever you’re hungry. Because you may not eat all day when you don’t feel like eating or you may eat all day just because you feel like it. Not saying that I follow my schedule all the time, just saying that the balance of logic and emotion should be the goal

I bought a box of mini cake powdered donuts

They are like cocaine

See

Idk

I seem to *almost* strictly follow my feelings. Except for the stuff that has a deadline or involves other people like doctors appts and whatnot.

Otherwise I’m literally living my life doing as I feel. I procrastinate so much and I find it unbearably hard and teeth-pulling to follow a schedule or list.

Some things I have made unknowingly a habit and routine. Like calling my dad every morning.

I feel so guilty doing this and living my life this way. It weighs heavy on me. Because my parents judge me for it. But so much of this way has become this way because of my ill mental health the last decade or more.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking I’m someone who is like this.

I don’t think this latuda is working either. Which is so not good as I’m pregnant. Nothing seemingly dangerous. Just low mood a bit and paranoia/delusions. Thought someone cooked a rat and spliced it up in my tamales and I couldn’t eat them anymore. Been sad and just idk. I’m supposed to start a higher dose in less than a week tho. So idk.

They really are tho

Make sure they aren’t

No Jk

I’ve been sad tho because I realized I won’t be getting much emotional support from others during this 9 months and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Probably not a good time to follow a schedule due to pregnancy. The first trimester I heard really mess up with your mood. Just take it easy, do things that makes you happy. Once the baby is born it’s unlikely you’ll follow your feelings anyway because you’ll follow the baby’s need. You got this young mama 💕

Thank you so much

Yea I’m definitely not following a schedule now. Other than doctors appts and stuff. I’m so exhausted all the time and nauseaous and just general malaise. It sucks. I’m over this sickness stuff. Ready for baby to be here. 33 more weeks

Why do people enjoy judging and putting down or belittling other people? - Quora

I hope everyone is ok. Nothing has been happening, but my anxiety persists anyway. I miss my friend. I'm scared of anything bad happening.

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I'm almost out of candy. One bag is rancid so im pissed off about that. I have to get more asap. I'm really scared of my friend going back to his office again. For anxiety, I recommend hard candy. Especially root beer barrels. It can pull you out of a panic attack. Candy and music, both are powerful mood changing things.

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Hugs desoxyn.....let us know if we can help.

Doing some laundry

Monday is my possible apartment code-enforcement inspection, they only choose 8 random apartments for it, so mine might not even be chosen since there's like 50 something apartments here. Anyway, regardless I'm gonna be spending Monday 9am - 4pm stressed out and wondering if they're gonna ring my doorbell. It was supposed to be this past Friday but they re-scheduled it at the last minute.

I'm just trying not to let my anxiety get out of control.

I slept a lot, I normally get up at 6am everyday but I let myself sleep till 11am today. Idk why. Probably because I was up half the night coughing and couldn't sleep due to that.

I'm going to get the paperwork from the apartment building manager next week for getting my emotional support cat, I'm gonna get it ahead of time so I can have my psychiatrist fill it out, then whenever the kitten is born and eventually ready I'll be able to have the paperwork in immediately. I'm not sure when the kittens will be born and when one will be ready for me to have, my care manager will let me know, but I just want to be ready.

I'm hoping I hear back from the vocational rehabilitation program within the next month or so, my care manager said they take some time to get back to people after submitting the application.

Having a cat again and then getting a part-time job will both be big responsibilities, so I'm nervous, but also excited.

Yeah sugar provides a good dopamine hit, same with music. I try not to eat too much sugary stuff but if I'm extremely depressed or something and having absolutely no pleasure in life sometimes a little bit is enough to lift my mood at least temporarily. Hard candy is definitely grounding when having a panic attack. It involves the senses and brings you back to reality a bit.

I have a bag of caramel apple lollipops. They're apple flavored green candy with actual caramel surrounding the whole thing, those can be helpful, they're really good too.

Here they are, you can get them at Walmart, they're by the brand Tootsie Roll

Another day. Sick still

Blah

Glad to have 2 days off.. Pretty worn out!

I feel depressed as ****

I'm trying to get off of phenibut but I had to take some today. Work is over as well. I had a hot shower too - I couldn't imagine putting it on cold like I did before - I need an opioid like warmth..

I still just need to calm down. I have no peace.

The sativa weed has made me unfocused. I'm still on and off trying to make a Monero wallet. I told my mom about the weed and CBD flower and she said to stop smoking it - So I'll do that. It helps to have some accountability and someone to keep track of it. I said that the CBD oil makes my insomnia worse as well.

I feel like if I didn't tell her, I my substance use would deteriorate because I'd be always trying to be more and more secretive.

I made a strong coffee to see if it will help with my focus.

I told my mom that she doesn't understand my need for lowering the Invega Trinza injection but she says I need it. I don't think I do.

So I'll give myself a few days to readjust my mental state.

Any criticisms welcome xd

My dad will be coming to visit in a few weeks. Then we'll all go down to visit family. So I'll look forward to that - Because lately things have seemed hopeless.

Ready for Tuesday