Roll Call 187

Hope your sister will be okay SP

Hope your appointment goes well SK

I am feeling very strange and I'm starting to think it's due to coming off the perphenazine last week. I think I may have to go back on it, I'm having nausea, shakiness, anxiety, paranoia. That may also be the reason for the diarrhea for a couple days. It may be why I've been having panic attacks every night the past few days too. I just took a 4mg tablet of it, then over the next few days I'm going to build back up to 8mg, (my doctor said I can take it again if I need to)

Gonna start getting on the treadmills again.

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I had my T appointment this morning and we talked a lot about how I'm stressing myself out with "what if's." In other words, worrying about things that could happen rather than staying in the present moment. She hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what I've been doing. So worked to not "what if" myself today and it's really helped my mood and anxiety level. Hopefully I can keep this up for the rest of the day.

I feel like there are chemical in my veins killing me. I’m having a panic attack again.

I keep trying to read and finish my book tonight but I can’t. I keep having dissociating panic attacks.

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"Buddhist cosmology typically identifies six realms of rebirth and existence: gods, demi-gods, humans, animals, hungry ghosts and hells. ... The three higher realms are the realms of the gods, humans and demi-gods; the three lower realms are the realms of the animals, hungry ghosts and hell beings."

Abhidhamma: ten defilements and unwholesome roots

greed (lobha)
hate (dosa)
delusion (moha)
conceit (māna)
wrong views (micchāditthi)
doubt (vicikicchā)
torpor (thīnaṃ)
restlessness (uddhaccaṃ)
shamelessness (ahirikaṃ)
recklessness (anottappaṃ)[7]

I can't live like this anymore! This reality .. I just need to sit in the rain it will help with autism..

I remember visiting Antigua in Guatemala during the rainy season.. Man.. Nice warmth, jungle, cobblestones and rain.. Beautiful

Found out that my sister developed a severe anxiety and often gets upset for no reason. My mom will take her to a psychiatrist next week. I was always worried that she would develop some kind of mental illness because it’s genetic and we both had a messed up childhood, and now my biggest worry became real. She never showed it directly to me, anytime we video called she looked happy and calm, little that I noticed that I was her source of happiness and a person she could hang on to. Me moving far impacted her more than I thought. Suddenly her crying like a baby at the airport made sense to me.

Hugs 12am

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hugs 12AM

My second opinion Pdoc appointment yesterday:

The doctor was hard to understand with his accent. Plus he wasn't looking at the screen, he was looking down at notes or his computer, I'm not sure which. Because I am hearing impaired I had to say, "What?" several times and it made me feel bad.

As for the medications.....he said I am on a lot of medications and I am not better (which somehow made me feel judged--like it's my fault). He said if I was his patient, he would take me off of three of my medications and up the dosages on two of them. He didn't understand why I am on two antidepressants and two antipsychotics. But to be fair, my regular Pdoc is a neurologist psychiatrist so he knows a lot about the brain. He may know that different medications work on different receptors in the brain.

He said he would take me off of the Vyvanse because it is contraindicated for people with schizoaffective which is what I thought he would say. It helps so much with my ADHD and it helps a lot with my fibromyalgia symptoms that I cannot hardly function without it. So that part I am not going to bring up to my pdoc although he probably knows it.

He said the rest of my medications were fine. So the next step is when I see my pdoc on September 1st to go over what this pdoc said and ask my pdoc if he thinks I would be better off being on one antipsychotic at a higher dose and one antidepressant at a higher dose. (I'm sure he's thought of this though so I'm going to feel like I am questioning his intelligence or something.) I don't want to do that. My pdoc I feel is pretty good so I don't want to upset him.

Yeah, my pdoc doesn't take insurance so he is expensive, $200 a visit. And he's far away so it is hard to see him in person, which I don't even know if he is doing in person right now anyway. But he has been my pdoc for a long time now and I feel like he knows me. This other pdoc spent 35 minutes with me. I don't feel like he knows me after just 35 minutes. He didn't do any sort of diagnostic testing of his own, except what I had filled out in the paperwork which I am not sure that he read because he made me tell him all the medications that I am on.

Actually though the appointment made me feel really bad about myself. Like I'm so messed up because I have to take all these medications and I am not better. But I know that is wrong of me to feel that way because I wouldn't feel that way if someone else were on the medications. I would just want to know how I could help them. So I've been struggling with some pretty heavy depression since the appointment. My pastor's wife told me to not be so hard on myself. Ha. Easier said than done.

Frankly SK...it sounds like your current pdoc is a specialist and probably knows more than the second option pdoc who is just doing the generic things rather than something special for you.

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Thank you SP! I do love my pdoc. My case manager just talked me into getting a second opinion which is just making me feel worse.

Hugs SK....

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Why do they always take away the Vyvanse!! Christ..

Because it’s the exact opposite of an AP......

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Seriously lol

My dad bought me tamales for dinner, for my birthday.

My birthday isn’t until next Friday though

I can never relax i need barbiturates

But I'm understanding many things.. Cognition is all there.. A lot of thoughts.. Apathy, frustration, pain.. But also content that I'm not being as ignorant and avoidant of everything.. I am coming more out of my shell in a way - To the world..

It just seems like everything that I do is wrong and I haven't caught up to dealing with yesterday let alone than with today. And it's been going like this for months or a year. Idk wtf is happening.

But it's good.. Things are good.. I'm balancing a horrific amount of insanity and weirdness of reality..

It’s like my stomach never stops hurting. This sucks. So over this first trimester, really am.

Does anyone go off feelings when doing something?

Like “I feel like writing”

Or

“I don’t feel like doing (this/that)”

I notice my feelings dictate what I do during the day.

I feel strong negative energy towards something or an activity, I don’t do it. And vice versa, positive energy.

But im starting to think this isn’t good. But I can’t help but do this…

Yeah I do that sometimes. I sometimes procrastinate a lot because of it. Because if I just went off of my feelings, I probably wouldn't accomplish much.