Roll Call 187

addictions thrive in secrecy so telling someone is a form of holding yourself accountable. its easy to do substances in secret and be illusioned to the reality and severity of the situation. i found telling someone help a lot even though it was totally humiliating

I am pretty good today - just went hiking yesterday with a friend. Hope everyone is doing ok. I am using my light box thing. Seems to be a good thing to do.

Also I am terrible at following a schedule. Any tips?

Actually I figured something out re the schedule. I set alarms for every hour of the day (while I should be awake, not during the night). And I am just going to keep myself accountable in that way.

I woke up feeling great. I had a good sleep =]

Not sure if I accidentally took a double dose of my morning meds.

I worked from 9am-12:30pm. It was good. I spent a lot of the time learning about Timothy Leary through podcasts with one ear bud in. I'm gonna take a break and then start searching cryptos ^-

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Up to 53 pages in my story now. Lot of editing and tweaking to do. But today I feel like I accomplished a lot. I added poetry as well, but I'm not sure how great it is. Still, its placed well if anything. After this week I have 9 days in a row off. during this time Ill find a new apartment somewhere and get the ball rolling. Stay there for a year and see what opens up for me job wise since a part of my student debt will be paid off and I can receive my degree finally. I have an Idea which direction I will want to go in. Maybe something to do with books, other than writing them myself of course.

I haven’t been able to get an iced jug of Starbucks mocha for two weeks now. The coffee shortage is real.

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I only had 1 cup of coffee so far today. I normally have 6-7. I’m trying to cut back. So I might have 1 or 2 more today but then that’s it. I want to make caffeinated coffee a 1-2 time a week thing instead of 7 cups a day everyday.

It’s raining and I love it. It’s gonna rain all day tomorrow too. It’s probably from that hurricane, I’m in upstate NY so not close enough to the coast for there to really be any damage but just a lot of rain today and tomorrow.

I played some ukulele today. Put up a video of me playing on Facebook. Happy with my progress. Probably going to practice a lot tomorrow to calm me down while I wait for the possible inspection.

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I didn’t know there was a coffee shortage, I usually just buy coffee grounds and instant coffee though.

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I’m not sure when the full extent will kick in but it frosted in Brazil I guess and there are also supply chain issues.

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I realized I lost all motivation for the last month. Since I found out I was pregnant. I’ve literally done nothing but stay in bed and sleep and staying in the bathroom getting sick or other stuff.

I’ve barely eaten etc

But the motivation is I think just a side effect of all these side effects. Cuz all of this how I’m feeling is cuz of pregnancy. I can barely eat and keep food down.

I’m ready for this appt Tuesday but honestly I’m just ready for this thing to come out. And I’m only 7 weeks today

You’ve had like a zillion appointments that takes a lot of motivation......

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True

I wanna say “idk what’s wrong” but it’s pregnancy but I’m wondering idk *why* my attention is no longer drawn to what I WAS doing but rather to my now future baby.

Perhaps an obsession now with my child

Dude there are seasons in life...you don’t now love what you did as a two year old, you have entered a new phase and focus. These things happen as you grow.

I need to.. lie down..

Soooo true

I'm working on my body image so I can stop hating my body

I'm wondering about death.. And that I could die at any moment.. Maybe tomorrow, next year, before age 30.. And I'm very interested in the dreams that I've been having. My dreams are out of control crazy, bringing me into dimensions related to my past, encrypted, encoded with meaning..

I love meaning.. Metaphors, transmissions into my mind.. My consciousness. I want to preserve my consciousness and live in a delusion, escaping from this reality and become eternal. Suicide isn't a good thing.. I need to complete immortality within this life.. But I'm afraid that I don't have enough time.

I stumbled upon the Tibetan Book of the Dead.. But on reddit, people say that it's too heavy for beginners - Although I wonder if I'd understand a good amount from my trip wisdom.. But I better not.

So I will pretend that I'm going to live for 1-2 years.. I will read the books that I would read if that were to be true.. I will find them - But I'm tired.. Very tired. I'll sleep on this today. There's "The Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep".. Or any books about preparing for death and about dreams.. I will search on Reddit..

I'm gonna update my most crazy dream in the summer of 2017 after the MDMA.. I will keep copies of it.. As I might lose it

Those look wonderful! Sending love!

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My apartment was one of the random 8 chosen for the inspection, it went well and was over with quickly!!!

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When radiation safety chose “randomly” it was always our lab because we used the most dangerous stuff and were super clean and organized. I wonder if they “randomly” chose you because you’re among the best as well.

That would be cool My apartment has been chosen two times since living here out of 3 inspections, and they always go perfectly and quickly because my apartment is clean, I just stress myself out over it due to anxiety and paranoia, maybe now that I've had it twice it will make me feel a little more confident next time