Roll Call 189

Haha, I love that Nick name! Stash!

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Have a rum and Coke for me, please!

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I am so stupid. I could have begged my friend to bring me a half pint of rum last week. I was thinking of it vaguely but I didn't ask. Maybe he probably would have said no anyway.

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Happy new year everyone!!!

Maybe I'll try to get a big glass of ice so I can drink another sparkling carbonated Coke as the night wears on.

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Happy New Year, unsure!!!!!

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I'm not sure what is wrong with me but I don't care anymore. I want to try.

My parents fighting about my mental state made me really upset.

Happy New Year ^-;

My parents are going out to eat and I'll be alone. I listen to music and enjoy my time

Having some deliciously refreshing ice water. Trying to drink more water

I have disappointed all of u. It's the way I cope. But I try to not lose hope, all on my own - With no input, just silence. Being in my own mind. That's what I always expect when I write. It's like what happens to genetics when inbreeding or cloning sheep.

I'm drunk. There will be champagne for midnight.

Ignore my previous post.. I talked to someone.. He ignored me. I wish I knew how to connect with people. My sister is having bad symptoms from COVID. Maybe I have COVID.

Listening to Iron Maiden every time my step dad was driving.. It was an experience. I was so horribly alone and had nothing. He said "If I win the lottery, we will will buy a nice boat and fish for the rest of our lives". I didn't want that. If he won the lottery and that happened, I would be tortured. I knew it. The rest of my life with that narcissistic, sociopathic bastard was the least favourable thing I wanted. Anything to escape, to do drugs, suicide, anything. It was pure dread - The only reality that I knew of. Hell.

Few years later, he won the lottery.. ****.. I blocked communication. After reading the book, "Finding meaning in life" or w/e, I was triggered by the concentration camps.. I posted a picture of a concentration camp with the name, "**** you" and sent him a message on the fishing website that he was a professional in quickly. He had his dream, without me - Because that's what I wanted. To be free.

The song "Wasting Love" by Iron Maiden.. I listened to it, driving through the prairies, farm land.. Hours and hours of driving. I never listened to the lyrics. But he ****ed me up massively. I'll be able to express how screwed up it was, one day.

But I have nostalgia. Nostalgia doesn't care about the context. It just is. I was so alone, all because I was afraid.

This is the song;



I didn't listen to the lyrics back then - Just the sound.

"Maybe one day I'll be an honest man
Up 'til now I'm doing the best I can
Long roads, long days of sunrise to sunset
Sunrise to sunset

Spend your days full of emptiness
Spend your years full of loneliness
Wasting love in a desperate caress
Rolling shadows of night

In your eyes I see the hunger and the
Desperate cry that tears the night"

My lack of spirituality killed me. It's still the same because it is too late now. All I have is hope.

Any criticisms are welcome.

Happy New Year, again, from me. But no one gives a **** to hear it from me, a worthless obsessed drug addict.

Because it's true.

Sometimes writing about it can be cathartic. Sometimes talking to other people about stuff can be cathartic, too. Provided they're the right person.


We all care about you here.

I have ridiculous hunger this morning. Dang.

Desoxyn you be you...we all love you anyway. Happy new year! Sorry if I don’t always respond...I’ve got a lot of stuff going on this year or rather last year.

So bf and I are trying to figure out where would be a better place to live because taxes are super high here. It’s gotta be low crime, warmer, with good jobs and the right mix of race/ethnicity because we both want to feel comfortable and we are different. Basically every place we look has something wrong with it. He wants to get away from the cold and I hate driving in snow....it’s super scary. If it’s a good place we can’t afford it at all.

Mans Search for Meaning? gotta get to the 2nd part of the book beyond the camps

I feel so tired today. Life right now is too complex for me to even know where to begin.

I made a deal with God and the devil. I said, if I don't die in my sleep tonight, I won't kms and try to figure out my life. But if I did, I was OK with that too.

Desoxyn what can we do to help?

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I'm freaked out by reality. My dad says that he wants to take me to a ***** house to get "laid". I was OK with it in the past when I wasn't on so much antipsychotics. I was actually living. Now I'm traumatized from my bad trip. I don't even know my sexuality either. I identify with bisexual/asexual but I'm really just hyposexual. I'm handicapped - I got abused for it by the people in the video chat. I told them that my mom had breast cancer and he said that I don't want sex because my mom "Is a *****". I did have a bad reaction to my parents having sex when I was a kid. My mom would read me a story and I knew she was rushing it so she could have sex.. What positivity do I need when it's all a lie.. Everything seems to just be about sex, shallow, stupid. I have some pretty out-there thoughts that regular people don't have - I have a blessing and a curse. I have no hope. The video chat guy also said that I'd end up as a serial killer - He thinks I can't love and that I'll never get out of the psychiatric system. It feeds into control, me being independent. The nonsense of hedonic seeking and histrionic PD of my mom with her friends - All they care about is their looks and wrinkles and hit on me - A friend has sex with one of them. The guys in the hiking group just wanted to have sex with the women. My brother is gay and my dad doesn't like him - That makes me annoyed. My godfather is now my dads friend who is alt-right conspiracy - And I'm twisted because of the corruption news, pandemic. I don't know what is real. Everyone's so ****ing delusional. Just regular people are weird and strange - There's no objective reality. I drank more shots, took extra vyvanse, phenibut and weed to escape the hell that I live in. I told my parents that I'm suicidal and WANT to be in psychosis. I want to break. I want to escape from this ******** reality full of sex. The big bang was an orgasm. I'm serious.

It helped to write that. I'm feeling better cuz of the substances. I'll get through this - There's nothing people can do to help. I have to help myself - I know WAY too much about reality. I am extremely in touch with trauma after my trip - It's a blessing and a curse. I could die. I haven't decided if I want to kms or not - And I've been contemplating it for months. If something happens in life that gives me hope, I would be able to make that decision. But my parents are drunks - They love me. But I have so much trauma. I have PTSD.

"The psychotic drowns in the same waters in which the mystic swims with delight." - Joseph Campbell

Gratitude and meditation could help.

I have OCD

My damage is too heavy for anyone to deal with. I'm sorry.

Happy New Year, Des!!!!!

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