Roll Call 190

I walked to Family Dollar earlier today and bought some food. Practiced ukulele for awhile tonight, I'm thinking of getting one of those hand/finger exerciser things to help my hands get stronger for playing.

I took a long nap with Stash today, it's always so cozy sleeping with her purring on me.

I'm a little anxious, but am trying to distract myself

Need to clean tomorrow.

Have been playing a lot of games

Have appointments with my psychiatrist and also my therapist next week, both over video. Not sure what I'm going to discuss. I kind of want to come off the trileptal but I've been on it for so damn long I don't know if it's worth bothering with coming off it or not if I'm doing okay.

I want to be at an airport, ready to fly away

I'm sorry, Cogs ((hugs))

I watched an episode on TV with my mom about mental health, ketamine and psilocybin. It was interesting.

I'm too tired to type about it though. I must sleep.. Work in the morning.

Idk why but I generally don’t care much about my health….but now I’m sad about it because I have to change and because I need to see a doc and that wreaks havoc with my anxiety.

It snowed a fair amount last night. Just hoping it gets cleaned before work.

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I still need the olanzepine. I will not stop that yet.

I smoked too much weed, tried to focus and realized that I was stoned - So I decided to listen to Terence Mckenna - It was very enjoyable for me (Even though I was fading in and out and but it got better)..

- I searched what he said about the universe being "information", found a good metaphysical explanation from a spiritual teacher... While reading and listening to these things, it felt deep and transcendent? and I could see my imagination quite vividly! A little scary.. But interest lately (For me) has been overruling fear.

I read it again when it wore off (+ Dexedrine kicked in) which made my reading 20-30x faster and I missed all of the INFORMATION (Experience of non-judgemental western society thinking), as if it was nothing...

Look a little closer and you'll see
Things aren't always what they seem to beee

So it was a good time.. I feel like I want my mood to be higher when I'm not distracted/having enough dopamine.. I like to be productive cuz of the way society is - But in other ways, my mom could come home all stressed out and I could be like my dad, "Hey mannn.. How was work?" - Or any other stoner.

I get energy vibes from my mom because she's a control freak, so when my dad comes to visit, he gives me a different energy and I realize "Ah ok.. I can stop always feeling a sense of paranoia/on edge about everything that I do". Then I have thoughts like, ah yes.. I should be independent..

Where does productivity get me anyways? It's a Western societal thing.. Money - At the expense of unimaginable suffering.. Or even China, same thing..

I started looking at esoteric philosophy.. I want to know all about it..



As long as I don't lose my mind, I'm Ok.. But I'm always searching, scouring for things... I will find the golden seed and plant it in the pineal gland of a God.

So quiet here today. What’s everyone up to? Just doing laundry and bf has the football on.

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I've been ultra absorbed in my videogames, reading, Netflix, and podcasts lately

I'm just laying down right now with the cat on my lap. Going to play some more games tonight I think. I'm excited because I saw on iTunes they have The Witcher seasons 1 and 2 soundtracks available to buy, so I'm going to buy them soon. I love the soundtrack to that show/videogame series

This is all a dream for me. But it's ok.

Everything seems like a dream to me, too.

Oh hold trying to get a dr appointment, they used to have a callback option but something changed so I’m in purgatory instead.

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Man I just had to go back on hold to cancel….I can’t update my pcp until February sigh.

Just put a load of laundry in the washer

60mg of Vyvanse! And I still have brain fog in the morning.. A coffee is helping.

I'm not sure what to say to my doctor in an hour. I want to talk about the atenolol.. I'm not ready to go off of it - But I just want to know how to I would have to taper when I am ready.

I'll try and exercise intensely for 20 minutes every morning or something and then taper.

Feeling much better from the coffee. Very clear minded. Heheh..

Had a good weekend. Watched a lot of football. All really good games. Was so glad my team won. But it was so stressful. Even afterward I felt shaky and anxious and like I needed my xanax. Not even joking. It was intense and severe.

Might take my prn Olanzapine in a moment

Have a T appointment tonight with Julieanne. Not sure what to talk about really. I was in crisis last week but today I feel fine. I hate when that happens. I never know what to talk about.

Yeah bf couldn’t stop talking about the games…..sorry you needed a Xanax……

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Can you still discuss the crisis and what may have caused it and how to handle in the future
?

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I kept forgetting what to say to my doctor. He's quite dismissive of things when I talk to him.

But he said that I just just CT the atenolol. So I'll stop for 2 weeks and see how I feel.

I might have physical anxiety - But it's a true test to see if I freak out with heart rate. I do want to exercise a bit first?

The problem is that I think about so much ****, hallucinating categories of different thoughts.. I feel like every thing that I do something, I'm procrastinating 100 other things. So far, the organizing of these things have been solved because I wrote them all down.

I will try and look at types of exercise videos (Different body movements) and do that in the kitchen for 20-30 minutes (Like I did while in the independent living unit of the psych ward). 2 weeks of that? Then I'll continue it without the atenolol. Idk.

My baseline of mood has always been much lower than other peoples - So feeling adrenaline would feel bad. I need to lift my mood.. And so exercise could help idk.

I want to be honest with my doctor and tell him about the sleep-wake trance state where heart spasms can happen + Psilocybin and ketamine etc...

I'm constantly self reflecting and learning. I told him that things are good - But I've changed.. Still updating like a computing system.

I feel always like lifting my mood with phenibut, then I withdraw. So I feel good 50% of the time and then the other 50%, I'm scared with low mood.

I'll talk to my psychiatrist next week about ketamine (Whether they have nasal spray, pills or idk).. But it would be under medical supervision this time.

Cuz I can't take serotonin meds anymore.

I did pushups and all of my joints just crack and move.

I'll try yoga first for a while before calisthenics

I'll make a goal to use my moms exercise bike for 5 minutes every morning.. 5 minutes! I have decided..

Once I lower the antipsychotics, I'll sleep maybe 1-2 hours less idk.. Then I can get up for a bit before work and do things.

New roommate today. It might change the course of candy consumption with my first roommate, we'll see. But it's rude not to offer any to the new one.

I'm vaping a lot less these days. I want to change the damned coil but I don't know if I can. The tank has to be empty to do it.

Des, I could have a lot to talk to you these days if this were the late 80s. Have you read any Robert Anton Wilson? I've forgotten most of the writers I read then. Everything seemed so new.

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He seems very interesting! - I will add him to my list of people. I was just reading his quotes - They're good =]

((Hugs))