Roll Call 193

Supposedly, I got diagnosed with delusional disorder by another therapist but I think that they meant delicious.

I gave my boss a 2 weeks notice. I'm not sure why. He seemed disappointed - Which makes me feel bad.

I just feel like they hate me - When they likely don't. I want to be alone. I have no idea what I'm doing.

People don't know me - And I want them to know my positive self - Not the negative. It makes me want to die lol

My mom and her friend wants me to work at the cannabis store - I don't feel like learning anymore. I don't want to cook. I don't know what I want - Just resistance to life - Just like before the trip.

I seemed to have atrial fibrillation last night - Not sure why. If I die in my sleep, I hope I'll be in a better place ^-; I can't trip again cuz of heart palpitations. I give up. My mind doesn't make any sense at all - And no one understands. So why not die - Especially when I'm abused by people that don't understand.

Extra phenibut..

I'm safe in my imagination. That's where I'll stay.

So runn run run the wolves are coming for you

I’ve been on a good sleep schedule lately. Going to bed around 9:30pm and getting up at 6am everyday. I set the coffee pot up before I go to bed so all I have to do in the morning is press the button for it to brew then I drink my coffee and play a game for an hour or so then I eat breakfast and get started with my day.

I practiced ukulele again today for 30 minutes.

Going to get on the treadmill tomorrow morning then do some cleaning when I’m done exercising.

It’s been a productive couple of days. I’ve been spending most of the days out of my bedroom/out of bed.

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These sound like really good things! Be careful about how not every day is productive (I fall in that trap..) cuz sleep schedules always stray away at least one day a week (For me at least).

I'm happy that I don't stay up all night anymore, on stims especially.. I liked walking around at night, looking at the stars, watching the sun rise.. Walking into town for coffee.. Listening to Alan Watts, Terence Mckenna, Duncan Trussell.. Those, honestly BB..

..were some of my most magical days. I have awakened.. Greatly.. I was having dissociative panic attacks at the time too + dealing with trauma of my mom dealing with her OWN trauma.. What a traumatic perpetuating cycle of nonsense - But I forgive her...

- As long as the things that you're doing are good for you personally.. It can be hard to enjoy life these days.. properly at least..

Am very happy that you are enjoying/on track (IMO) ^-; It's very hard to do these things on those schiz meds.. horrible ******* meds but are needed for now =]

Yeah one of my favorite things is staying up late and doing things like reading, listening to music, podcasts, etc. but I need to sleep because my mental health is a wreck when I don’t get any. It sucks though because I love staying up late. But getting into a semi routine has helped me a lot. It feels predictable and I guess there’s sometimes comfort when you feel like you can predict what you will be doing throughout the day. But I also enjoy my mornings, they’re peaceful and mindful. Though I do wish I didn’t have to sleep because there’s so much I’d like to do during the time I should be sleeping

I’ve been showering most days too which is good

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Good morning. Woke up around 5am today. It’s going on 8am now. Just had breakfast. Scrambled eggs w/ mushrooms and a piece of wheat toast and a cup of half-caffeinated black coffee.

Not feeling too motivated to get on the treadmill today, I think I may just focus on cleaning today since I have a lot of that to do. I don’t want to push myself too much at once. I will get on it again during the week. Today will be a cleaning day and tomorrow will be a relax day. I’m proud of myself for the progress I’ve been making though. I’ve been staying on top of the dishes too. Doing them every morning and every night after meals, sometimes in the afternoon too. That way when I wake up in the mornings I don’t have a sink full of dishes waiting for me which is really annoying to wake up to. And they don’t pile up too much because I’m doing them a few times throughout the day.

I’m trying to eat more vegetables which is why I put mushrooms in my eggs this morning. I also plan on having spinach two times today, some more mushrooms and a baked sweet potato, with the other stuff I’m eating.

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Cleaned out all the expired condiments and whatnot out of the fridge. Gonna have to replace them next time I shop, there was a lot. Also organized the stuff on the shelf in my entertainment center

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Cleaned the bathroom, kitchen, and vacuumed my whole apartment

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That's how I feel about mornings, I used to get up at 4am and watched One Step Beyond and had coffee lol. But I also like to stay up until 5am and going to sleep around then.

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My floor is really a mess now. I have ants now too. I hope they'll mop here soon. My right eye surgery took like 5 minutes and then that long 45 minute car ride. I can see almost perfectly now but I do have some new floaters. I'll hopefully go to the retina specialist after the opthalmologist. I hope they'll go away.

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Happy day 2day 15 hour stim nap

I hope I get some better/more sleep tonight. Mustachio woke me up a little before 5am because she wanted breakfast. I don't feed them till around 8am but she wouldn't leave me alone so I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up and went out and sat in the living room and just stayed up.

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I’m a little upset because my brothers game night got canceled and I was looking forward to going & socializing & flirting lmao

I'm done I'm just so done yknow

I think it will fade with time

So I take these dopamine succubus molecules for now

I really am figuring the thing out. And I'm mad that I was

1. gaslighted
2. abused
3. neglected
4. isolated

I was screwed over by cluster B personality disordered, authoritarian people

Marijuana... PSILOCIN... All of those things. SOLIPSISM, PSYCHOMIMETIC molecules.. ketamine. Medicines. Connection, love, empathy..

No but in all seriousness...

90% of people share this situation. It is the human condition, of this era.

And now, I can just do the right things.

The way I reacted was inverted anger (Depression), madness.

I'm learning about ketosis and olanzepine.

I will be happy when it's warmer so I can sit outside on the MacBook.. I am right now but it's cold AF

Fasting insulin levels are higher in people that take olanzepine. Too much insulin causes diabetes - And insulin also treats diabetes. The body becomes tolerant to insulin over time (Like a drug) which = Need for more insulin. So if I do fast, I could get hypoglycemia.

Sorry for the nonsense guys. Today has been a good day - I'll try and make use of this mood in a proper way and relax.. Just continue with my stable life and stop overthinking...

Zyprexa made me lay down all the time and gain weight. I was super depressed on it and felt terrible. They put me on it bc it works super well for my aunt, not so much for myself.

I think that I’ve decided against the Depakote. The side effect profile is too long, and the doctor who prescribed it to me said that “trileptal would be too weak to prevent my mania.” How could he know that from one visit? I haven’t had mania since I was a teenager - or at least mania that I noticed.

I used to be on Depakote. It helped me but I couldn’t deal with the weight gain from it so my doctor switched me to trileptal and it’s been very helpful to me with no side effects/weight gain, etc. It’s been a good med for me and in combo with my other meds has helped keep me stable

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