Roll Call 193

I’m just glad you’re feeling better….

Thx yeah.. It was a deep hole I was in. I hope things will continue to be better. I'm still learning.. Still mental issues persist in 2022.

Nothing could have gotten that bad, again - Like when I was 16 and



But hey!! SP!! It's good.. I will try and be more careful

Is wish your doctors were better at looking out for you, they should have been aware that wellbutrin was the cause….

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They have never taken these meds. They don't know what it's like. I know though.. I'm not sure where I'd be without researching wtf has happened to our minds.

A little bit is my fault for being confident enough to allow them to trust me to take more control in my treatment than an average patient.

I'm not sure if the Wellbutrin was the cause.. I've had some psychiatrists do malpractice with me from the start (And that made me really upset) like "It's not my fault if you kys".. Just a bunch of stuff..

With the way that the world is, I'm grateful that I'm getting ANY help at all (Especially with my self medicating - Lucid or not).. and that I get disability.. that I have a family that loves me and tries to take care of/help me.

I really hate to be controlled and it bothers me so much that it has to be this way. My mom thought about being ?? Like the Britney Spears thing? Conservatorship.. She said that she didn't do that because of how I'd react. Idk.

I was the one that adopted that emergency psychiatrist.. He's good (In the way that I like?).. Idk if that's bad.. But I'll keep thinking about this.. thx..

My current psychiatrist listens to me and my mom very well.. I wanted the Invega lowered so he did - Then I do bad, it gets increased.. I will try again in the future.. I think I'm quite lucid... imo

Btw my GP is really a moron. But I keep coming back to him for some reason.. My whole family doesn't like him. My psychiatrist told him to not change my meds anymore (Only refills..)

I like my moms doctor but he leaves to the other side of equator for the 6 months that they're warm.

Oh god! I'm so tired.. we'll talk tomorrow..

Thank you

I agree it’s good to have a pdoc that listens but they need to step in when things aren’t working and talk about changes. The problem with psychosis is that there is often a lack of awareness. I mean you seem totally lucid to me but your pdoc said you were in psychosis…..sounds like he stepped in to increase the invega so that’s something I suppose.

Maybelle has really come out of her shell. She’s the biggest snuggle bug ever, she’s so cuddly. She seems so happy here

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I am going on my trip today.

I get lack of awareness a lot.

Practiced ukulele for 30 minutes then sat outside in the sun for 30 minutes

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This is so good! I'm glad your kitties have acclimated to each other and I'm glad you have Maybelle (and Stash!) I think they are good for your health!

Hope you have fun. Is it a long trip or a short trip?

Anxious again today. Trying to manage it without medicating it! Might have to medicate though. We'll see.

Have an appointment with my therapist two hours from now. I’ve been trying to get up at 6am every day. I did today. And I feel exhausted now, my meds make me so tired. I need like 10 hours of sleep to not feel tired. But I don’t want to sleep that much.

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Hope your appointment goes well Blue_Bird!

Thanks SK! Had a really good appointment with her. We talked about the cats for a bit and also talked about the progress I've been making (sleeping every night, taking my meds consistently, eating normally, getting out, etc) and talked about my plans for later this summer after Stash is fixed and after my 3 dentist appointments (getting a part-time job and enrolling back in college to take classes part-time to finish my associates degree). She is glad I'm doing so well

Another good day

What gives

I got some friends and family white flowers today for helping me during my illness

I feel like I'm supposed to feel sad - And I allow it to happen because it's valid and for a reason. It's been this way in the past (Except I really had no idea what to do and gave up/lost hope cuz of the environmental and social isolation). It didn't help to be abused and neglected either - But I'm letting that go. It's always like I think of every experience that I've had as VALID.. and that thinking about them in every possible way will unlock a secret to solve my problems so I can feel BETTER? It's always about not liking the way I feel.. Maybe that's a problem but not THE problem..

I'm finally starting to figure things out since lately. Nothing really makes sense in my world and never did - But the psychedelic trips did really help to shuffle my mind around. I don't think I'll become sui but it's liberating to be intact/aware with the new knowledge that I didn't have in the past.

I will keep trying because I know that I have a chance now. It's so much different. I'm more disciplined.. I make better decisions.. Am I trying to hold onto my old self? Or am I trying to change? I think both..

There's not much that I need to know - Like from a teacher, guru, priest, shaman.. I just feel quite alone. Maybe new insights, perspectives. Would be nice to keep chasing chemical highs - The nature of addiction makes me think that I can pull it off (Or ANYTHING.. Anything at all - All of the directions to where I could go..).

The stuff that I know now, I keep forever. I want to change the world, live a rich life.. I just see the big picture waaay too much. Small details and lack of meaning bore me to death.. Need novelty, deeper secrets, fascinating/attractive shiny things, dopamine.. Some excitement.. But also - to relax, inspire, feel safer, content.. Idk what my dreams are, my goals, and why I think/feel so much.

Therapy would be my best bet.. I can also keep doing what I've done.. I could get a ****** therapist, go in a blind direction - I KNOW.. Only I know what to do.. and what I'm thinking, what's inside my mind. I'm not complaining at all.

It’s 12 days long. So, long I’d say. Haha.

Yes, definitely long!

I've been dealing with anxiety for quite a while. I don't know why I am having it to this extreme. Every day it is a choice to either take medication or battle through it with alternatives: affirmations, deep breathing, mindfulness, meditation, etc. I keep trying to battle through it because I don't want to take medication all the time. But it's an every morning, nausea, almost panic attack feeling and then the anxiety stays with me all day. Hmm. I guess something to bring up in therapy. It just feels like, to me, oh there she goes again, whining about something. Like it's not worth mentioning. But it is starting to really have an effect on my life. I guess it's starting to be something that I just can't ignore away.