Roll Call 193

Still having a crappy, hard day with UGH. I had a trying conversation with one of my coworkers that is above me in the chain of command. I had asked her to be gentle with me today but I don't think she was. She said she's not mad at me but I don't believe her. She shut down the conversation. I went to my boss who knows about my Schizoaffective Disorder and such and told her that I was upset and worried. She said she would get back to me. She's probably sick of dealing with me too. I would be tired of dealing with me too. I want to cry but the tears won't come. Gah. 2 and a half days until the weekend, and my friend's memorial service is this weekend so it's not even like I am looking forward to this weekend. Life sucks right now. I already took some alprazolam because of the intense anxiety I had about coming to work. I feel like such a pain.

Chat lines are such crap.

Suicide chat lines I mean.

My stomach and chest are so tight. I feel nauseated. UGH. I can't even finish my coffee. I'm trying to decide whether or not to take more alprazolam. I can take it up to four times in a day and I've taken it once so far.

Chat person told me to take more time off of work. I took a week off in February and a week off in April. I don't feel like I can take that much time off right now. Maybe a long weekend or something. But I need strategies for stuff at work, and for dealing with my mental illness at work. Chat person was not at all helpful. At least I tried.

I really hope I don't end up IP. That's the last thing I want to happen.

Waiting for my boss to get back to me is excruciating. I know she is probably busy. I'm trying to breathe through the anxiety.

Anxiety does suck.. but alprazolam is very effective for anxiety! - It could dull the mood a little which can help with Spring agitation. Today = Not a good day for you, or yesterday!

Looking forward to sleep is good too. The current day doesn't reflect much about life in general - You always have time to figure things out..

You don't have to take a break from work, but look for things to look forward to in free time...

Hugs!

I did all sorts of weird stuff when I had my own office, I had a pillow to take a brief nap on the desk, a mini coloring book, headphones for music….I hunk at one point I even tried yoga in the office, if you’re on break it’s your time, same with lunch.

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Drugs aren't the best feelings.

I try to find these "realms" - And they are like super euphoric, nostalgic, loving, spiritual, relaxing, inspiring, content, exciting..

I think it's the people that I'm surrounded with.. Community, sharing/exchanging of all emotions, life experiences, ..

Opposite of addiction = connection..

And I WILL find these realms.. Within this lifetime.

I just find it difficult to make goals, be productive cuz 90% of the time, I'm listening to music..

And I hate taking any ONE thing too seriously.. really.. I can't just have a stereotypical motive all day every day

- Like "If you want to make 1m dollars, do this this and this"

I know that there's a certain cheat code/learned habit/behaviour. But I also think, "Am I just gonna neglect all of the other stuff to mold myself towards being narrow, in a box.." And maybe everyone thinks like that which is why it works.

My apartment building is having food and games on the 24th to celebrate memorial day

Stash is in heat again and has been driving me ****ing crazy, can't wait till her appointment on the 16th. Sorry I haven't been on to offer much support. I hope you feel better soon SK

I wonder if I were to live as if there's no such thing as death, how that would change my life.



I do think about internet quotes.. How they're so real.. WHY

My boss was minimally helpful. If that. She said that said coworker wasn't mad at me, which said coworker did tell me this morning, I just didn't believe her. You know the saying Actions Speak Louder than Words.

My boss said she would call me tomorrow. And that there is nothing to worry about with said coworker. And that she will see if said coworker can visit in June. Great (sarcasm). Said coworker and I have difficulty communicating and getting on well. I try and she probably tries but we don't gel well, which is weird because I get along with most of my coworkers at this office, except one who drives me a bit bananas. But I always feel like said coworker is talking down to me and is being hostile and I don't really want her to visit. I usually only have to deal with said coworker once a week to get bills paid (she has to approve them) and that's enough right there. So a whole week of dealing with her here in my office will be a nightmare. Hopefully she can't come/won't come.

@Desoxyn you might be interested in this, I’ve been subscribed to this podcast for a looong time. It’s no longer updated. It stopped updating in 2009. But it has some good episodes, it’s done by Yale.

I’m re-listening to them now since it’s been many years since I’ve listened to them.

Hi Kit, sorry you're in a bad few days. Can you afford to treat yourself to food based rewards if you have to deal with that coworker? Food because it can be affordable (right now). I haven't had McDonalds in 2 years, if I had to deal with people who I don't click with I would totally promise myself to eat McDonald's and other fast food after each meeting.

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Good idea. I am craving McDonald fries.

My sister said she’d come visit this weekend. I really need some social interaction and can’t exactly leave Stash here meowing for hours.

Hopefully she can take my ebt card and stop at the grocery store for me for a few things because I’m out of a lot of food

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I remember when my cat went into heat. I should have had her spayed much earlier. She just yowled constantly.

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Same here. I wish I had it done earlier. Thank god there’s only about 4 weeks left till her appointment.

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I'm so thirsty I'm way past the concept of drinking anything. I am full and I'd rather have a Coke intravenously.

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Feeling more impulsive than usual

I’m so stressed out because of my cat idk what to do to be less stressed

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I can’t read because she interrupts my reading every 2 seconds so I can’t focus so that’s out of the question until she gets fixed and calms down. That’s usually the main thing that relaxes me when I’m stressed. I could take klonopin but I don’t want to rely on that.l, I’d rather find something I can do that can relieve stress that doesn’t require tons of concentration

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I’m ready to cry. She will not shut up. I am so scared I’m gonna get kicked out because of her

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Traumatized by house guests. They're way too social/extroverted.

I really, really really don't want this life

That happens to me with my cat when I'm anxious. I don't trip around my cat anymore. I'm not sure if it's a normal thing but I know how it feels - Just so you know..