Roll Call 193

I let myself sleep in a little today. Got up at 9am instead of 6am. I’ll get back to waking up at 6am tomorrow. Just think I’ll sleep in a bit on weekends trying to stay on a good routine so I’ll be prepared for when I start working part-time

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“I sat alone, in bed till the morning
I'm crying, "They're coming for me"
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me
My mind's like a deadly disease
I'm bigger than my body
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones
And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"
I can't help this awful energy
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Who is in control?
I paced around for hours on empty
I jumped at the slightest of sounds
And I couldn't stand the person inside me
I turned all the mirrors around”
- Control by Halsey

I feel this summarizes my episodes.

Ugh I’ve had a headache all day. I took two ibuprofen in the early afternoon but it’s still been lingering so I took another 2 tonight.

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Does anyone else get the desire to do something creative now and then? It's been a long time since I've done any art or craft related things, and lately I've been really wanting to

Another good mood day.

The more wisdom and knowledge I gain, the more I see.. that this reality.. is..

*GONG sound*

Reality is just a construct. We all experience it differently anyway.

French fries for breakfast? Yes

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Yum sounds good!

I had a pretty good weekend. I wasn't terribly busy. I taught a religious class on Saturday, then went to Target with Mom then watched British shows. Then Sunday I went to Church and then watched more British shows and then watched America's Funniest Home Videos. I feel like I should be more productive on the weekends but my weekdays are so full it's hard for me to have motivation on the weekends. But I need to wash my sheets and stuff and I haven't gotten that done. A little disappointed in myself. And anxious today. Dragging also since it is Monday.

Slept in until NOON. Brain fog too. It'll go away though..

There's a severe thunderstorm going on right now here, it's very relaxing

I have hiccups and they're so annoying

A friend of mine passed away this weekend. It wasn't completely unexpected as she was on hospice. It's just a lot to take in.

I'm exhausted today and I feel fatigued and flu-like. I think my emotions have gone somatic. I haven't really cried yet. I cried a little but not a lot. Maybe at the memorial service.

Going to try to go to bed earlier tonight and before that sit with a heating pad for my achy muscles. Or maybe take a bath with Epsom salt.

I’m sorry for your loss SK

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Thanks, Blue_Bird

I think I need to cut out sugar and caffeine a little more slowly. I did it too fast and all at once. I had a headache for two days straight, it finally started going away tonight. Between withdrawal from sugar and caffeine and PMS at the same time it was a nightmare headache and ibuprofen didn’t help it, it just had to go away on its own

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Mustachio has a new thing where she likes to harass me around 4:30in the morning till I get up because she wants breakfast. I just try to ignore until 5am but it’s impossible to get back to sleep. My target wake up time is 6am but I haven’t been sleeping well because she keeps waking me up and demanding food. They always have access to dry food. I won’t give her and Maybelle their wet food until 8am because I don’t want to feed them too early and have her bothering me again even earlier in the night than she already does.

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I need to get on the treadmill tomorrow and out for a walk to the library and store. It will be nice to get some physical activity

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cognitive impairment

Work has put me in a bad mood today.

It’s been a good day. I woke up at 9:30 and took my friend to her appointment and now I’m just laying on the porch.

I hope it gets better for you, Desoxyn.

Sending positive thoughts your way!

UGH.



I just want to lay in bed and not talk to anyone and not have anyone talk to me. I want to completely distance myself from everyone/everything. I know isolating is not good. I reached out to my Pastor's wife. She wasn't too helpful but she was trying. I reached out to another friend too and I am waiting to hear back. I have therapy tonight so I guess we will talk about this. I don't even want to get on the Zoom for therapy but I already paid for the appointment so I guess I should. I don't want to go to the hospital so I better manage this. Just a really bad crappy day that has gotten me down in the dumps.

Sorry Kit .. Big (((hugs))) to you <3

No one should have those thoughts.. I say to myself, "STOP" - But they aren't really in my control.. I haven't had them for about a week and it's a huge weight off of me..

The hospital sucks so much but just keep it in the back of your head..

I hope you feel better soon. Work can definitely potentiate terrible feelings, negative self talk etc.. The way the world is, economy self destructing.. Everyone's jobs that are going to be replaced by AI/robots etc.. There's so much going on - The world is insane..

You would be missed so much - And anything you can do for your own health/mental health is what you have to do.. Life is beautiful - But it's life.. Extremely difficult. Manifest.. It's what I'm trying to do.. Seek out contentedness - Under the big magnificent puzzle that is reality - And the infinite IQ of GOD (We are nothing in comparison to this.. Just insignificant).. Powerful stuff, that we forget about while we're in dark places.. I like looking at the stars almost every night that the sky is clear.. It reminds me of this before I go to sleep...

Put on a good song/or anything for self care - If it hurts too much, we'll be here.. It was painful for me ~2 weeks ago.. But THY SHALL PASSES.. All of time. Everything is temporary.. We all have our own ideas of heaven - And when you're feeling good, you know it.. and you think, "Wow.."

Good day today. I woke up earlier this morning - No brain fog. My dad came to visit for a night before heading West. We did some things around town, etc. My mom made salmon dinner. My parents haven't fought (Yet..) - So it's good.