Roll Call 193

I have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type and don't have hallucinations really, I've only ever had them due to an SSRI I used to be on, and occasionally if I go without sleep for several days, but it's not a typical symptom for me, my symptoms include delusions/ paranoia, mania, depression

Alright, yeah, I think my therapist just straight-up doesn't know anything about psychosis and she shouldn't have said anything to that end. Ugh.

Abilify can do that……I used to never go out too.

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Treadmill isn’t working. Sucks. Gonna have to wait till Tuesday (Monday’s a holiday) to see if maintenance can check it out and see what’s wrong with it. Guess I’ll just do my weights and resistance bands exercises for the next couple days.

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It’s weird because I’ve been on this dose for a long time. Well over 3 or 4 months. Strange that it would kick in or something now

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So I had an ultrasound of my abdomen and my gallbladder looks fine, but my liver is fatty and they couldn’t see my pancreas in the scan. I have to have a CT scan anyway at end of August so going to add on abdomen CT to the list for that day. And get sent to a liver doctor soon as well.

And I have an appointment in early August with the gastroenterologist to follow up because it’s been like five years since I was diagnosed with celiac and just want to make sure everything is still good.

Until I hear from someone or it’s August I just have to continue on with no alcohol, low fat diet (I’ve discovered fried food, high fat food, and full fat dairy make me feel sick). Lots of black coffee can help liver apparently too.

It can be frustrating at times and I’ve had some disordered eating thoughts and feelings resurface but I’m getting there.

I know I’m overweight which apparently got me into this mess and need to lose weight. I’ve lost close to 15lbs so far just cutting out fatty foods and alcohol.

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What is the difference between psychotic depression and schizoaffective disorder?

I discovered that I got diagnosed with both disorders at the age of 20 when I read my medical records in February. I highly doubt these diagnoses were correct, since I was on a lot of medication at the time. My "psychotic" symptoms resolved when I stopped all medications. I believe I had mild delirium caused by the 3 medications I was taking. I suspect this because I stopped all medications and fully recovered that same year. Also at the age of was 26, I was treated for first episode psychosis. That illness was very different than what I experienced previously.

How common it is to get a psychiatric diagnosis based on medication side effects?

So there’s an immediate response from the med, then there is always the possibility that your brain changes it regulation later….that’s why sometimes you can taper off and things seem fine for a while but not forever.

In my nonprofessional understanding, schizoaffective disorder requires that you have psychotic symptoms present when a lack of depressive symptoms are present. (What that means in practice, I have no idea).

With psychotic depression, on the other hand, the depression and psychosis are simultaneous.

That's at least what I've gleaned from being diagnosed with both at some point as well.

There's extremely loud fireworks going off outside and it's scaring my cats, especially Maybelle

Everything seems according to plan.. I feel good. I basically quit phenibut CT yesterday but I take a small amount before sleeping. I had sleep paralysis last night for some reason. It was quite horrifying - but I was safe physically. I had to allow the vicious demon dog to sink its fangs into my feet (It took a couple of tries but I managed to wake up).

I took 2x 15mg Dexedrine today - Somewhat productive (I think I'd prefer 2x 10mg instead but a little extra short term isn't dangerous).

I've been much more mindful of my thoughts, feelings and actions lately.. Breaking habits.. At work, I accept that I'm not going to feel like talking every day, that some days are bad and that I'll just have to accept it.

No heart palpitations, dissociation, panic attacks, paranoia - So it's good.. I'm grateful for many things and how far I've come. I can't complain compared to how I used to be. I just need to stop freaking out about the end of the world.

I've been listening to some podcasts recently when I haven't felt like doing that in a few months.. Happiness = Hearing interesting conversations.. I feel like continuing to read books as well. I have like ~20 people that I pick and choose to learn from + finding more every day...

I have to sort out my priorities, goals, dreams and such.. I said to myself that I would start that today but instead I felt like going in blindly again. I started off by making 1-2 goals every day.. I'll still continue to do that because it made a good foundation to rehabilitating myself.

My dad came to visit for the day before he goes back to Mexico (He'll be back in a month). My parents weren't fighting, my mom is happier with her job after getting some things sorted out.. Her new lump still has to be checked..

Created a fundraiser for my birthday on FB to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society, my mom passed away from Leukemia 6 years ago so it means a lot, I don’t know if anyone will donate but if they do it will be for a good cause. My sister probably will donate, I invited her/sent her a link. I will donate to it next week when I can.

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I figured out that I need instrumental music going when I study or work. Music with lyrics and singing is just too distracting.

Does anyone else's brain not allow them to watch TV or movies? I just have this block when it comes to TV shows or movies. It's as if that part of my brain that used to be able to focus on TV or movies has been removed.

I'm worried about the sting sensation in my heart - I hope it goes away ****!.. its always something. My greatest fear is no stim😭

Yknow that pain that can happen where you can't breathe in and then it goes away? I did that last night - But breathed IN.. then it pains on and off ever since.

Apparently you can't feel heart pain because the nerves are at the centre of the chest. For me, it's to my left of my chest.

The sharp heart pain went away after I had a shower.. Hmm..

Good thing my last cigarette was 3 years ago

Saw top gun maverick this morning at 10:30am to reduce the Covid risk…..it was good, straight out of the 80s, bf loved it.

I can't stay still unless I'm interacting with something. Meditation can help with this but it would take a long time.

I only watch movies if it's with someone else - And I've been alone for decade.

Weed helps me to immerse myself into videos but I'm trying the 2x Dexedrine to see if it can replace.

Oh no... deja vu..

I really don’t enjoy tv anymore….and I can’t do anything violent like darker video games and such.

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Yeah I think I just don't like TV. I like books and other things instead. Movies are too much of a time commitment too. Ha.

I was 3 or 4 months into Abilify before it worked on me. That, and some great ppl on roll call.

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I don't know if it's from sugar withdrawal or what but I feel very agitated tonight, and emotional for some reason

Maybe it's lack of good sleep. I've only been able to sleep 4-5 hours a night, sometimes less, the past several days.

I was OK for an hour - Then I started feeling anxious. I'm only taking 1x Dexedrine instead of 2x from now on (I said that yesterday but was feeling better today so I thought it would be okay) + the phenibut withdrawal could be potentiating it. I took olanzepine, atenolol, clonazepam.

Christ I messed up. I just wanted to focus more and read etc.. Can't do that while anxious.

I would love to be pessimistic and that say I'lll never be able to ****ing do anything - Constant panic attack for life and that no one knows what I'm talking about, never will and neither will I.