Roll Call 194

My cats are very sweet. Maybelle is so snuggly and Stash is always coming up to me and raising her head up to me so I can give her a kiss on her forehead

Anyway I plan on trying to make blueberry banana bread later in the month

I'm working really hard to challenge any weird or negative thoughts I have. I've given into them over the past few years that they've kind of cemented in my brain and I'm trying to reverse that

You're doing good BB! Keep it up =] Bad days do come sometimes (Definitely with manic-depression!) but never lose hope..

I am quitting therapy all in all. It just doesn't help.

Also, I know this is basically all I talk about. Ha. Anyway, hope everyone is doing well today.

I need to get some folders so I can organize my paperwork. Like I have two drawers stuffed full of various important paperwork all mixed up. I need to put one folder for the cats medical records, one folder for social security related stuff, one folder for any of my own medical paperwork, and one for apartment related paperwork. Finally organize it all.

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I hope you figure out something that works for you

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I bought a bunch of manila (spelling?) folders a while back and it has really helped in terms of organizing the papers in my room since I print out a lot of stuff. It's definitely a smart idea.

WA, yeah folders can be very helpful! I don't know why I didn't think of that before

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I am enjoying learning about sharks on the shark week podcast I've been listening to. It's hosted by a marine biologist that studies and dives with sharks.

It makes me concerned about the ocean because of all the pollution and overfishing.

I've been concerned about the environment in general it just seems like there's so much waste and so much plastic. I want to get some eco friendly reusable produce bags (like you know those flimsy plastic bags they have at every produce station in the grocery stores, they're bad for the environment.) Or maybe I could just not use produce bags at all and just put them in my cart, it's not like those little things are protecting them anyway, they'd be fine just by themselves in my reusable big grocery bags with the rest of my groceries.

I feel like if I can try to use less products that are unnecessary and use eco friendly products when necessary that would be good. I'm probably not making a huge difference but maybe it would make a tiny difference.

I just don't want to look back and feel like I've made or horrifically bad impact on the earth at the end of my life, because it's so uncertain how things will be for future generations and stuff due to climate change and whatnot

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I feel really damn good today

Been enjoying the morning drinking decaf coffee w/ oat milk and listening to music

Tomorrow I'm going to my friends house. We're gonna play the digimon trading card game, should be fun. He bought me a digimon TCG playmat, it's like big rubber pad/mat to play the card game on, it has a nice picture of digimon and the characters from the anime printed on it. That was a surprise and very nice of him. Going to bring some snacks so I don't get super hungry while I'm gone cause I'll probably be gone 4-5 hours. I think I'm just a little more sensitive to blood sugar changes due to the APs I'm on even though I'm not diabetic or prediabetic. So I have to make sure I have food of some sort with my when I'm out for more than 2 hours because otherwise I get very shaky and nauseous

I have 2 dentist appointments later in the month. One is to get the last fillings and the other is to finish the root canal they started.

Oh yeah I'm sauteing some mushrooms, yellow squash and onion today. I haven't done that in over a year. I developed a fear of using my stovetop for some reason. Anyway, I'm going to see how it goes. I just use a small bit of olive oil to do it. And then put a little salt on it. It's really simple but really good.

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Awesome bluebird, glad you’re feeling good

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I woke up, almost late for work and said to myself "When I get home, I'm going right to bed. The Vyvanse kicked in, I drank some coffee and felt good at work, came home.. Thought, "I'll do the same thing as yesterday, tomorrow - When it's sunnier".

I took Dexedrine and then felt sleepy before it kicked in and thought "Crap.. Now I'm gonna be even more artificially awake".

rip

I am doing okay. Just feeling bad about therapy and all that stuff. It is hard to find a good therapist.

I like the armchair cover I got, it's a lot more comfortable, non slip, and very protective so it should help keep the cats from damaging it further. I'm thinking about getting one of the same brand/type in their loveseat size to cover my loveseat sofa

Mustachio likes it too

That's awesome haha. That cheered me up.

Heart OCD....

Have you guys heard of the app "Fabulous?" I just used it and while it does cost money it's helping me get motivated so far. I think it'll help me for sure.

I'm thinking of my whole life as going through infinite dimensions (Because I could die at any moment and get zapped in any direction depending on the time and how I die).

So I will end up in Nirvana, hell etc.. I'll lose hope hundreds of millions of times, find it again, grow as trees or the bees that pollinate flowers, get eaten or decomposed, explode as many supernovae, become tortured, murdered or eaten, fall as a snow flake in the winter and evaporate in the spring, become an alien egg, electricity or any form of energy, become the conscious singularity of the sound from a musical instrument, intense euphoria, pain and the hallucinatory magical salt and water of tears, pouring from the face of God.

It's going to be a really long time. I will become you, astrally projected into your body at this very moment, not knowing where or who I am.

I'll dream a many thousand dreams, all of what I want. But maybe that can all happen in this lifetime (With advanced virtual reality). Upload my consciousness into the cloud, 1's and 0's (All of that). Like Terence Mckenna says, "In the future, things will appear faster than they can be made". Worm holes, time machines, artificial intelligence.. Will it be a good world? Who knows - Only me and all of those that are around me - Or everyone else as I get locked in the dark, brain damaged void. Own every Bitcoin and help out as many people or steal gold from every king.

People are on the streets, in war - Hopeless, broken smiles, stories of trauma, loneliness, despair, heartbreak and the world - pollution causing cancer, destruction of nature, blasting rockets into the sky in hopes to get away/disconnect - When as Alan Watts said, "Become more sensitive.. Let it come to you"... Be receptive. The Buddhist monks, meditating.. just by using the mind to immerse in alternate realities - Dreams, comas and transcending death - Opposite of the anti-aging billionaires that want to rule generations, have already destroyed the current new ones.. A dead Western American Empire, funnel the money, manipulate - Taking control of something that is really (In the end), in control by no one at all.

So decide!

"Oculogyric crisis (OGC) is the name of a dystonic reaction to certain drugs or medical conditions characterized by a prolonged involuntary upward deviation of the eyes. The term "oculogyric" refers to the bilateral elevation of the visual gaze,[1] but several other responses are associated with the crisis.

Initial symptoms include restlessness, agitation, malaise, or a fixed stare. Then comes the more characteristically described extreme and sustained upward deviation of the eyes. In addition, the eyes may converge, deviate upward and laterally, or deviate downward.

Other features that are noted during attacks include mutism, palilalia, eye blinking, lacrimation, pupil dilation, drooling, respiratory dyskinesia, increased blood pressure and heart rate, facial flushing, headache, vertigo, anxiety, agitation, compulsive thinking, paranoia, depression, recurrent fixed ideas, depersonalization, violence, and obscene language.[4]

In addition to the acute presentation, oculogyric crisis can develop as a recurrent syndrome, triggered by stress and by exposure to the drugs mentioned below."

THIS... THIS is what my problem was (When having DP/DR) - It happened right after I was put on Invega, the "EYE zig zagging" problem. It's so horrifying.. I'm figuring it out.. It all makes sense. And olanzepine stopped this from happening.. It's DYSTONIA.

Yeah I'm not sure I understand all of this (you seem to have a much better grasp of the technicalities of these things), but I find olanzapine to be super helpful as well. The 15 mg of it really, really gets my depression better. I am so grateful I have that medicine prescribed for me.

That's great. You should (perhaps, just a suggestion) find a way of noting these days on a calendar or something when you feel good. Maybe find a way of remembering when you feel good so when you don't feel so good, you can remember you've had good days recently. Anyway just an idea.

Thanks yes that's a good idea

Also, I haven't heard of the app Fabulous before but I'll check it out

Impulsivity

I know that this existence never truly does "end", I know that I can never escape.

Edit: Nvm I'll continue.. and I have many arguments for this against myself. Just venting.