Roll Call 194

I might have to go inpatient. I talked with my T last night for about 15 minutes. We didn't make a decision last night. But today I see my GP.
or I might talk to T again today and she will do a risk assessment. Having suicidal thoughts, and SH thoughts, and hallucinations, etc. My plan is to go to work for a while. Go to my GP appointment and see what happens. I'm going to take a backpack with me to the GP appointment in case I have to go straight to the hospital so I can have a couple of changes of clothes at least. And take my.Healthcare power of attorney with me. I texted one of my bosses last night, but I need to talk to my immediate boss later this morning so they are not blindsided! We will see though. Nothing has been decided yet. Hugs all, Kit

I talked to my insurance company this morning. Good news is, I have met my out of pocket maximum, so I won't get charged anything if I have to go inpatient.

I texted my therapist this morning and told her that I feel like I need to go to the hospital.

I left a message for my pdoc, on his office voicemail and also through the portal. I need him to try to get me admitted. That way I don't have to go to the ER and get put in involuntary. Hopefully he can get me into the good hospital. There are three I can go to. One has bad reviews, one I went to last time. It was okay but some stuff wasn't great. I am hoping the other one is good. I know the regular hospital is good so I am hoping the psych hospital is good. I also faxed him my insurance card and the list of hospitals because he only takes cash so he probably does not have my insurance information. Now I am just waiting. Waiting is hard.

I project a lot of my anxiety onto other people. And assume people hate me, are talking about me, laughing at me, even if I have proof they're not. It's not logical.

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Hugs SK.. I hope inpatient gets you the relief you need.

Yeah I do this too…it’s like anxiety slides right into paranoia.

Mustachio has a scratch on her neck, I think Maybelle swatted her or something but every time it starts healing Mustachio scratches it back open so I had to order this onesie for her so she stops scratching it and gives it a chance to heal

I have so much to say but I can't even write anymore. I want myself back.

I told myself last night though (My mind was very clear) - "Stay cool, calm, collective". And I repeat that to myself..

"Cool, calm, collective".. That's what smart people are like.. I have to not go into madness.

I will quit alcohol too (My mom poured out my rum) + weed. No more of those. I can do this on my own, be successful (In my own way), work on myself..

I don't think I'm too hard on myself anymore.. It's a healthy criticism. I'm forgetting what the abusive people said... I am the master of my own mind. I will listen to myself...

Got a meditation app subscription, so I'm going to start meditating again

Why do I like chaos yet so freaked out. It's no sense.

I'm like a combination of my mom (Chaos) and my dad (Freaked out).

Edit;

"Something chaotic is really out of control or disorganized. Chaotic starts with a hard "K" sound (kay-AH-tick), but things that are chaotic are usually not OK, they're crazy disordered, like your crammed locker at the end of the school year."

"To react (or cause to react) with extreme anger or fear to something to the extent that one loses one's composure or behaves irrationally; originally, to suffer an unexpected and severe bad reaction from the recreational use of a psychotropic - usually hallucinogenic - drug,"

Am I a toxic person posting here?

You guys either feel sorry for me because I'm so ****ing pathetic or I deserve what I get.

All I do is try to do the right thing.

You’re not pathetic, and you don’t deserve anything bad, we care about you

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I need to get off the internet - Because I'm not even happy. I don't get people that just want to live in the woods and have no human contact. I would kms for being so bored.. And a friend once said to me "What do you do all day", judging me (when I started to isolate myself) and all he did was play sports.. I said "I don't even know.." but why did he care? - and it's been like that since then. I'm not excited about games, life. It's all the same thing. Everything is the same. It's anhedonia and then people put me down. All I wanted to do was escape. I'm an outcast in every situation. I deserve nothing but to feel like life isn't a disturbing hell that I need to escape from.

I'm going to try to meditate for at least 30 minutes a day. I used to do an hour a day and it helped my anxiety a lot. Also I'm working on trying to change some of my thoughts about other people being out to get me. And to stop living in the future. I have a tendency to obsess over what could go wrong in any situation. Literally anything is like worst case scenario fears for me. Walking down the street getting jumped or something, getting hit by a car crossing the street, choking on food or medication, worrying about slipping or tripping and falling/breaking my neck and dying, worrying about the unlikely scenario of getting kicked out of my apartment and ending up homeless like we were when I was a kid with my mom. It ridiculous. It's like never ending

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I hope you feel better. Sometimes I take breaks from the internet and it can help. You'll be missed a lot while you're taking a break or whatever you decide to do but we'll be here when you come back. I'm sorry if I haven't been very supportive lately I've just been trying to get over some things

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Also Desoxyn, you're a wonderful person. You deserve to be happy. You are always so supportive and nice to people here and I know I really appreciate it and am happy you're here

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A lot of stuff I search into Google are thing that people (Either schiz/dissociation or have tripped) ask.. It's so strange. A blessing and a curse.

John McAfee advice;

"Follow your heart
If you have two hands and half a brain, you can do anything
If you want to stop doing something, just stop"

I don't know why it means so much to me, that he is so smart, loving and also insane from snorting a whole bag of DMT... And I shouldn't say that here.. I always have to be so methodical when making any decision... That's why I can't think and give up. I just need hope and love. I never really had that growing up. But I still laugh at myself like no one else. It takes a toll eventually.

I am utterly exhausted. Pdoc wanted me to do more things I guess. So I did more things today, like trying to work on my thesis for two hours and work on my business for two hours. I can't ease into things I guess. Because I went all-out and now I feel like I shouldn't have done any of that. I also feel like it's not really my pdoc's domain to tell me to do things.

Also I have tons of trouble socializing. Nobody is validating this except my therapist. And some others. But seriously it's so hard to even communicate anymore.

Nope. You're a great person. We all understand. I always appreciate your posts.

Also I hate how people have gotten "back to normal," whatever that means. It just seems like I am not in a good headspace right now, and others are.

I spoke with my case manager today, she said she spoke with the person who is in charge of the volunteering at the place I want to volunteer at and he said he'd be able to take me on, I will have a meeting with him soon to figure out days/hours they are just not sure what day/time yet

So for the better part of when the pandemic began until a month or so ago I spent most of my time in bed, in my room, not going anywhere or talking to anyone , rarely leaving and rarely cleaning, never exercising , rarely showering, not being on a good sleep schedule etc. The only breaks I got from it were a couple hypomanic/some slight manic episodes that my psychiatrist dealt with and handled quickly before they got worse. So the manic thing has been in control for a long time because the meds I'm on help that a lot, I don't do reckless stuff anymore like I did many years ago. And I didn't think I was having depressive episodes because I wasn't suicidal like I was in my last big depressive episode years ago. But I had to be somewhat to be living like that on and off for so long and I pretty much wouldn't realize how crappy I had been living until whenever I would come out of it. And I'm doing well now. Like I'm dealing with anxiety and occasional other symptoms but I I'm finally in a period where I'm doing well overall. I am in a routine I've maintained for a couple months with sleep,meds, food, etc. I go outside. I do things. I clean a lot. I see people, I socialize. I don't stay inside all day everyday, I exercise, I make somewhat healthier food choices. The whole 2 years of 2020 to 2022 was a blur

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I don't know if anyone would find this useful but there's this app that is kind of like a mindfulness reminder app without being super intrusive like an alarm you set on your phone or something like that. It's called "Healing Your Thoughts." Anyway, I think they have an app for both Android and Apple. There's no subscription stuff. It's $1.99, or at least was when I bought it. It has helped me just with affirmations and thinking positively and stuff like that.