Roll Call 194

Severely lacking motivation. But I'll try and act like I have it!.. + 8mg of nicotine gum - I'll see if that does anything.

What to Do When You Have No Motivation

My main problem is that I don't feel like myself.. I need help. I do embrace the absurdity of reality.

+ The corruption news.., my brother said that it's a bunch of drama (And it is). I listened to a really good podcast, walking in nature - I just hate being so apathetic and not able to do much..

I feel like something is seriously wrong with me

Supposedly motivation comes in the midst of doing…so pushing yourself to start can increase motivation….

Yeah I find that is almost always true too. I have to start something before the motivation comes because it rarely comes before

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Going grocery shopping in a little while

On the bus going home. Spent $99. My typical grocery trip costs me around $60-70. Things are so expensive

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It’s also 99 degrees outside today. I’m glad the bus came quick. I wasn’t feeling good out in the heat. Two APs make it hard to handle heat. And I forgot to bring water with me

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Prices a ridiculous right now…hopefully they go down now that gas is decreasing.

I ate something and felt better. I didn't eat much for like a week (Extra Dexedrines), low blood sugar I think. This has been happening on and off for decade (I just don't notice).

But I felt almost comatose, sinking into a black hole.

I learn about the world through corruption news.. But should read a history book or something.. I'll keep trying to make an effort to read (It worked last year - And I never really read throughout my life.. Still managed to read a few books at that time...)

I'd like to learn about different countries, learn languages again.. Slowly, I will come around... I need to prioritize more important things - But also try to be happier, make the effort.. choice.

Since 3 days ago, I've only been taking my meds (As prescribed), phenibut, coffee and nicotine. It's good enough. I had a talk with my mom after telling her that I'm not messing around with impulsivity etc "But still feel really bad - It's been like this when I was 16.. before any drugs or meds".. I just need to reorientate..

Many people posting here are also similar (Anxious, depressed, disorganized) - Newtus did something really cool these past few years.. We give her a little advice and then wooosh, overcomes so many things. Still, we all struggle lots..

I'm going for a walk with my mom when she finishes work... I need to not be so clingy to death, flirting with the thing.

I'll drink another coffee see if that does something.

Got a calendar of events in the building for the month. There's national s'mores day, two social coffee and tea days, one bingo day, two grab and Go health snack days, one ice cream social day, and then of course the tenants meeting at the end of the month.

They stopped all this stuff the past two years due to covid but they're starting to have events again

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S’mores are so good….I just saw a homemade s’mores pop tart on FB. Glad they’re starting stuff again.

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This is true. It gets easier w/ practice.

Recently I've been setting timers for just 5 minutes on my watch. Then if I want to continue doing something, I'll continue the timer for another 5 minutes, etc. etc.

That said I feel like garbage right now. Just not wanting to go to my parents' house for dinner. I feel too depressed.

I feel like buying a book or something.

Retail therapy is always good.

I'm going through a really weird crappy time. I fell down on my tail bone and I've been in excruciating pain for 3 weeks, like I had a few years ago when I still had tizanidine. But now it's actually getting better.

They would not allow me to talk to the nurse supervisor, which I was begging for because I needed additional pain meds which I never got.

I have COVID (again?) and I've been in individual quarantine for 10 days. I'm praying I'll get to go back to my regular room. I'm having one of those asymptomatic cases where I feel perfectly normal (for me).

I don't know what it's about but I have a serious guardian angel and s/he has been protecting me all my life. I have a miniscule ridiculous life so I don't understand.

My mom is getting worse by the day, and sometimes I can cry but the major tranquilizer impedes this to a great degree. Oh, fun, my meds just came. She didn't bring the Motrin. I'm dying for my treats, coke and vape. Don't know if I can make it on foot when I'm finally back in my room.

Feeling all kinds of loss and sadness. No wonder I don't breathe deeply. I have nothing of my own in here and I want to hang it up.

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I can't call my mother. My cell phone won't connect right to where she is at.

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This isn't even all my afflictions - something really bad has been going on for several months now but I can't talk about it.

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I'm sorry for everything you're going through Angelique, we're here for you

I got a surprise $84 refund today because I apparently accidentally submitted an extra payment a month or so ago to my college that was over what I owed them, because what I owed at the time was $0 but my account still said I owed $84 due to some error, anyway, I got the money back and was totally not expecting or aware of it till today. So that was a very nice surprise!

I feel so good - Good hike to the top of a mountain, listening to Alan Watts. I smoked a little weed and meditated by the rivers. Very sunny day.

You must say yes to the universe, and very good things happen.

Don't say no to it... Because it is you =/

Sorry Angelica.. You don't deserve what's happening. I hope it gets better.

Edit: Well christ no one does

Cutting back on the caffeine over the next few weeks till I'm down to just decaf, then I'm not having caffeineted coffee anymore, just decaf (I know it has a tiny amount of caffeine in it, but you know one or two cups of decaf will be a significant improvment over 3-5 full caff coffees a day)

I feel like that and mindfulness, meditation, and thought restructuring/changing negative thoughts, thankfulness, and working on my self esteem and body image issues will help a lot

I've been using meditation and mindfulness every day the past week and it has already helped quite a bit. I'm able to focus a little better, like I was able to watch a movie today with only one break/intermission, I paused it like halfway through because I got distracted but after a half hour passed I put it back on and watched the rest of it, it was a 2 hour movie.

Also feeling less attached to things and life in general has helped

Challenging my thoughts helps when I start thinking things like people are talking about me, laughing at me, sending messages psychically to eachother about me, etc