Roll Call 195

Lol I'm 110% sure it did - But NO ONE that isn't a super athlete would ever consider exercising that much. I didn't even realize what I was getting myself into.. Every corner, there was another corner 500+ times. I pushed myself so hard, ~5-6x beyond what I thought I could.

If I turned back, it would take the same amount of time. And I didn't know where I was going.. "Is it around the corner of THAT mountain?" - "Idk" my moms friend said.. And it just kept going and going and going.

"Exercise is known to have numerous neuroprotective and cognitive benefits, especially pertaining to memory and learning related processes. One potential link connecting them is exercise-mediated hippocampal neurogenesis, in which new neurons are generated and incorporated into hippocampal circuits. The present review synthesizes the extant literature detailing the relationship between exercise and hippocampal neurogenesis, and identifies a key molecule mediating this process, brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF). As a member of the neurotrophin family, BDNF regulates many of the processes within neurogenesis, such as differentiation and survival. Although much more is known about the direct role that exercise and BDNF have on hippocampal neurogenesis in rodents, their corresponding cognitive benefits in humans will also be discussed."

I'm so very glad it is Friday. I am in need of some rest and relaxation!

About an hour and 8 minutes until I am off of work for the weekend!

Going for a small hike this evening

I stopped drinking coffee late in the day. All I can say is my sleep has improved. But I don't know if I like not having it late in the day. I miss it, to say the very least.

Edit: I had some coffee. Feel a little better.

Also applied to a job today. Not sure why...

I hate Thorazine. It’s so difficult for me to take because the pill is a big size and hard for me to swallow. Pretty much anything bigger than abilify sized pills (which are tiny) are hard for me to swallow. I don’t know what to do because every night it’s such a struggle to get myself to swallow it that by time I do it’s halfway melted because I’m panicking and unable to get myself to just swallow it as soon as I put it in my mouth.

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Scratching my head thinking of why my pdoc and I decided to go down on olanzapine.................. Ugh. I feel terrible. I truly don't understand why our conversations go the way they go sometimes.

I wish I could get over my anxiety about swallowing pills, it really makes my life much more difficult than it needs to be

I have my final appointment with my psychiatrist of 6 years on September 14th. She's leaving the mental health clinic to go work at the hospital. I'm gonna miss her. I'm really scared of whoever I'm going to get next, because she was great and knows me so well. So I don't know how I'm going to learn to trust someone new and feel comfortable opening up to them. I am worried I'm not going to be able to. And I'm also worried whoever comes in is going to suddenly make a bunch of changes to my med regimen for no reason, I had that happen as a teenager, different psychiatrist comes in, decides they want you on more meds, or different meds, etc and you have to go through dealing with adjusting to all unnessecary changes when you were doing well on the meds you were on to begin with.

Just wanted to share a funny picture I took of Maybelle and Mustachio today

It happens.. Just got to be honest, voice your concerns, be open as you can, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and what you need.

New psych could change things, but be persistent. If things go really bad, you can always seek second opinion.

I shaved off my goatee. I know, i know I don’t stick to stuff for very long but I look much better with a shaved(with stubble) fa

I’m up- it’s around 4 in the morning here. I never sleep all that great. Weird disturbing dreams haunt my sleep state so I dread going to bed. Been this way since childhood and here i am middle aged now. Damn it all to hades!

I’m surprised I managed to make it 5 days so far without sugary foods (by sugary foods I mean like pastries, ice cream, candy, sugary drinks, etc) I’ve had none of it the past 5 days. Normally I don’t make it past day 1. It’s not much but I’m proud of myself. Gonna keep going

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Here’s my tracker so far

Picture I drew today

That's super good. Every art project I try to do gets super abstract and ends up looking strange. Your drawing of a pumpkin is on point though. Haha.

Edit: I guess it's not just an ordinary pumpkin....

I ended up taking the higher dose of olanzapine last night, and I feel much better today. I just gotta tell my pdoc to cut it out with the changing meds all the time.

Thank you! Nothing wrong with abstract art, it can look great and is very unique I tend to draw pumpkins/JackOlanterns a lot so I’m used to drawing them from my mind. Most stuff though I have a hard time coming up with unless I have a reference photo or object

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Felt unlimited energy, had an ear bud in my right ear, blasting music - It was the busiest day at work that I've seen.

I came home and took a double shot of rum (I'm not sure if that's good or bad for me.. It's a bad habit - But I couldn't drink for 5 years since my bad trip). I only started drinking again since New Year's 2022..

I did however, wake up early for the first time.. to get ready for the day (Instead of coming home and then doing hygiene, etc..) - Instead of waking up 20 minutes before I show up for work...

My dad will visit soon. Crazy shaman. It may be the first time I see him that I'll be LUCID.

I said a few months ago, "Wait 1-2 years.. And I'll be somewhat more normal/coherent, organized thoughts".

Cuz I am still recovering from isolation/mental torture, neglect. And research chemical mania.

I feel weird and lightheaded

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Does cutting out lots of sugar do that? I still eat pasta and whole grains bread and stuff that has a small amount of sugar naturally in it and a small amount of fruit, but I cut out everything else , all the pastries, ice cream, candy etc

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