Roll Call 195

My T used to take Zelle as payment but now for some reason she can't. She kind of explained it but I didn't really understand. So she offered Pay-Pal so I did that but it charges me $1.17 to send her the money. Ugh. So I asked her if she could get Venmo but she didn't seem keen on that. So what we ended up doing is split the cost of the fee. I'm going to take $0.60 off of what I pay her so that we basically both end up with half of the charge of the fee. I'm still a bit annoyed that I have to pay a fee at all. I mean she did say I could mail in a check, but I don't want to do that. Time. Energy. Cost of Envelopes and stamps. Ugh. So I guess we are stuck with Pay-Pal for now.

I want to do some acting in behaviors that I know I shouldn't. Sigh. It's so hard sometimes to just cope properly.

Another night with bad dreams…dang it this sucks. It’s been like this since childhood.

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So sorry about the bad dreams. I am having insomnia right now.

"Alcohol shuts down higher cognitive functions"

Sorry to hear about your insomnia.

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Good day today. Balanced mentally.

I don't think I have schizophrenia. Oh and I forgot to take the olanzepine, I'll take it now.

I need to find something to master/stick with. My time for exploring is almost over. Until then, I got to enjoy (Especially now that society has died). Need to stick to goals.

And prepare for the afterlife (But I think that comes naturally - I've done pretty good so far). I have good memories (Some are really bad - But meaningful... So no matter how much pain I'm in, I'll look back - And in the future, it won't be such a big deal).

I want to help/awaken others - But need to make sure that my cognition, thinking.. etc.. - continues to improve.. And I'm sure it will.

I feel so sad lately. In a lot of emotional pain. I don't know how to describe it. Exhausted too.

I was considering moving to Argentina again.

Then I thought, oh, but I wouldn't be close to my family anymore.

Which would suck.

At least I have some life direction though...

Also, not quite sure why at the end of the day it feels like my mind is on fire with doubts, worries, speculations, etc.

I think my meds must wear out at a certain hour. Around 8 p.m. I think it happens. And I should probably just take my meds earlier and go to bed earlier. I am going to do that.

I'm sort of curious and annoyed with your reacts SP. What do you think about my posts in general? (It's hard to tell).

When you have time of course. Be honest. You've known me for a long time.

I tried my mouth guard tonight and it’s too tight. Guess I’ll have to contact the dentist and get a new one. Have to get around to that one day. If my jaw doesn’t hurt it’s not a huge priority.

I keep having these thoughts to go off my meds. But I keep taking them. It’s a tempting thought though.

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There was a time when I was moderated, and the mods seem to have some sort of contempt for me as well - But people understand that I'm trying. So Idk. I've always had poor self awareness/autism symptoms.

I worry when you say you don’t have sz because you clearly have psychosis from time to time… it’s likely a lack of insight. Sorry to be so blunt but you asked.

I just wanted to say that not being ok is ok. We sometimes put major obstacles in our lives and that if we don’t maneuver through those obstacles in a certain way then that means that we are doing something wrong….but you’re not, you are exactly where you need to be at this time. It’s hard to see and I’m one of the worst offenders but we’ve gotta believe! Peace

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I want my own cat. I play with my roommate/landlord's cat a lot, but I would like my own. I think I may be ready for that. We will see. The only thing is it would be an extra expense and I'm not exactly swimming in money right now. To say the least.

Also good morning to all!

Good morning

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Good morning everyone! Unless it is already afternoon where you are, then good afternoon!

Tonight I have a therapy session. I need therapy.

I haven't been sleeping well all month. I guess I need to tell Pdoc that tomorrow.

I'm tired now. Got up at 3 AM again. At least it wasn't 2 AM like it has been.

I wrote a stream-of-consciousness email to my T. She said it was an important email and that my insight was good and I was able to explain my internal struggle. She also said I am inspiring her. Which is a nice thing to say but freaked me out a little honestly. I read it and I'm like it's all jumbled.

I'm having a hard time getting motivated today. I just want to be home in bed. So I walked next door to my work where there is a Liquor store. I bought a big Coca-Cola. Usually I drink Diet Dr Pepper but I thought maybe the combination of caffeine and sugar will give me a boost. Not sure. Worth a shot I guess.

I think I'm experiencing avolition. I brought this up last month with my Pdoc but he kind of shrugged me off. He was like lets take care of the psychosis and then we will worry about the other stuff. But not having motivation to do stuff, is still to me a serious symptom. I go to work. I struggle to work. I go home and just want to do nothing at home. Sigh. This is hard.

I hear you on the avolition stuff. I have had avolition before and I currently have it I believe.

I experience it as wanting to do a lot of things but not accomplishing them.

It's definitely hard to deal with.

Also I'm probably moving back in with my parents. I think I'll be fine doing that. Honestly I am super lonely otherwise.