Roll Call 195

i am still alive.


somehow


everything fell apart three years ago. i withdrew from the world completely. i didn't recognize myself anymore. a lot of **** went down. i looked at stuff i wrote in like... late 2019, 2020... it's all incoherent, word salad... and what little i could make sense of ... was floridly psychotic ... i barely remember anything from 2020 though or 2021 because


things got so bad that i needed ect. yes, electroconvulsive therapy. i did i don't remember but i remember it being a lot of rounds of bilateral (electricity goes through both sides of your brain). did it work? yes, in a way meds never worked for me. things have been better for me overall but i basically have zero memory of 2020 and 2021 which is honestly for the best.


i have permanent eps side effects from all the antipsychotics that have been shoved down my throat since i was 14. (i'm 31 now, unbelievable i've made it for this many years... i've had schizophrenia for over half of my life... how am i still here? i guess i'll never know.) i'm taking a new medication for those eps side effects, can't remember the name of it now. sorry.


i realized yesterday though that i'm not as stable as i thought. i never am.


lack of insight is a ***** that i have had to accept along with the schiz itself.


i doubt anyone remembers me. but i wanted to say hello.

How are you feeling today bluebird?

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I wish I could get over my anxiety about swallowing pills, it really makes my life much more difficult than it needs to be

I keep going back and forth on whether I want to go back to school in January or not. I don't handle stress well. And I had to withdraw 3 or 4 times when I was in college due to mental health struggles getting worse from the stress. I can't keep doing that over and over again, I'm already on warning for that. It's not that I can't handle academic subjects or that I don't understand them, it's just that I don't handle the stress well and it makes it almost impossible to focus or get my work done.

Yes, I keep some lemonade handy.

Could you try just taking one class at a time?

I think my teeth look better since getting all this dental work done. They would be better if I had properly taken care of them all my life and if I never went through 7 years of purging but they’re pretty decent now all things considered

Your teeth are gorgeous!

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Okay, just tired, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night. I walked down to CVS and picked up my meds, how are you?

Slightly frustrated the bfs mom is driving me nuts….she’s manipulating everyone.

I keep going back and forth on whether I want to go back to school in January or not. I don't handle stress well. And I had to withdraw 3 or 4 times when I was in college due to mental health struggles getting worse from the stress. I can't keep doing that over and over again, I'm already on warning for that. It's not that I can't handle academic subjects or that I don't understand them, it's just that I don't handle the stress well and it makes it almost impossible to focus or get my work done.

Sorry to hear that, hope things get better

Lately, I've been on a grilled cheese kick. They had them at the inpatient hospital. So I had one like every day and they microwaved them. (They must have made them in the morning or something.) So ever since I realized you can make them ahead of time and microwave them, I've been eating grilled cheese a lot more. Except that it kind of reminds me of the hospital when I do that, but it wasn't too bad staying there for the most part, so it's not like traumatizing to eat the grilled cheese.

Do you have a new plan in place to handle the stress…maybe with a T? Do you currently have a T?

Yeah I split mine between evernote and onenote, tbh, because I could never decide which program was better (and still can't).

Thanks DownandLonely and WA, I appreciate it


It's weird how someone can be alive and well and then suddenly gone, I will miss him. He was a lot of fun to be around. I'm trying to be there for my sister and niece. I feel bad for my niece. She's 17 and like a year ago her best friend she grew up with her whole life and now her dad has died.

Thank you, they used to be better but I didn't take good care of them for a long time

I mean I guess I'm making progress though, I almost cried when having a panic attack while volunteering during a lunch shift but I managed not to and pulled myself together without bolting out the door.

That's pretty huge progress because typically I would have just left if I were in a situation like that

I just have to tell myself what's the worst that can happen, no one is going to yell at me, I may panic a little but it's not the end of the world and I can get through it. I got through it last time so if it happens again I'll be even better prepared and know I've made it through it before

I guess maybe this is good exposure therapy

Do you know what your triggers are is it social or just being outside the house….online classes might work for you.

AD! I remember you well =]


But damn.. I'm sorry about what happened. I remember last, talking to you at the end of 2019. You helped me with a few things on Roll Call, and then you disappeared (For better or for worse I thought).


So much stuff happened but all drama. It's amazing that the ECT helped (Although definitely, people lose memory).

Hi, just wanted to say I've had ECT as well, and it sucks but it has helped me longer-term. I think at least. Sorry you've had such a rough time lately.

I remember you AD…sorry you’ve been through so much but hopefully the worst is over….

I remember you! It's good to see you, I am sorry for everything you've been going through