Roll Call 197

The other night I drank too much wine. Got called out on it. I didn’t have any alcohol yesterday. And today I had one drink. Resisting the urge to drink when no one is looking. I’m trying to be better.

I’m eating a bit more than I was. It’s probably not enough yet but I’m working on it. I’m trying to be better.

I’m thinking I should tell my doctor next week about my eating disorder. I really feel I should. I don’t want to talk to the psychiatrist or a dietician or anything but I hate hiding things. I’m trying to be better.

I self harmed the other day as well when I was feeling down. I haven’t had the urge since. I’m trying to be better.

My mood has been more up lately. These last few days I’ve been less depressed. Maybe the meds are working.

But at the same time I get this urge to just stop my meds. This urge to throw them all out. I can’t help it.

I’m really trying to be better.

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Hugs cog. You need lots of love

If I don't feel love, I'll be like my mom.. And just give others love instead..

My mom was abused severely as a child. And she's been the best mother, breaking the cycle.. It makes me so sad.

Same thing with my dad. They are both traumatized, and broke the cycle.

They divorced, but are good friends now, and don't fight. It's the reason why the vacation was so important to me. I'll try and focus on that.. How good things are, not about this dead economy etc..

There's more to it, spiritually... I just couldn't find it last night.. I skipped a Dexedrine - And my focus was the worst it ever was (Cuz of withdrawal from extra stimulant). I just didn't know what to do.. I had to do something insane.. And it wasn't in my control.. + I guess I need the Invega too, not just the olanzepine. **** sake..

I hate the meds. But I need them. Every time I'm on low antipsychotic, I do something so insane - Such as chasing someone with a plastic shovel, saying "I'll kill you" - Who the **** says that? It's not me.. it's not me.. I know all humans have flaws, and all of that... But my brain I guess is just broken.

But anyway, I wish the best for me, everyone... I just hope that for at least a while, things will be okay.. And we deserve anything we want (As my sister said..)

I'll just forget that all of my nonsense happened.. And never go back to that place.

I used to love tuna but for some reason now I just don't, same with chili, I used to love it, and now I won't go near it. But yes, I always got black olives on my subs! Life has gotten so diminished since I've been here. I love olives.

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I will sleep on 4 gabaminergics, I'll wake up tomorrow.. and it will be a very good day.. it will.. my loves.

Will attempt to change my strings on both my ukuleles (one is a soprano, one is a tenor) I've been researching how to do it properly according to which bridge type you have, both of mine have different bridge types so I need to learn two different ways of doing it. I'm probably waiting until I can buy a few packs of soprano strings and a few packs of tenor strings just to have back up/extra in case I screw up and snap a string or something accidentally

Also researching some stuff about piano keyboards, and my specific Casio model manual, so I can learn to use it. I'm hoping to alternate days of practice. One day of ukulele, one day of piano, one day of ukulele, one day of piano, etc and so on throughout each weeks. I still need to learn to read ukulele music. I know how to play several songs through Tabs and chords but I still need to learn actual notes. I played violin in orchestra growing up for many years so I knew how to read violin sheet music. But I don't know if piano and ukulele sheet music are different than violin, I'm assuming it is, anyway I want to learn both types

I hope you're able to talk to your doctor about the ED. It's helpful to have some support. I told my psychiatrist about mine 6 or 7 years ago and she's been helpful, so has my therapist. I think I saw a nutritionist once but I didn't go back because I didn't find it helpful. Like I know how to eat realistically etc the problem was applying it and not feeling guilty and hating myself when I did eat. It took a long time but I've managed to stop binging/purging/ and restricting.

Now I just eat balanced, I eat when I'm hungry, I try to aim for healthy foods but am not stuck in the perfectionisitic rigid ways of thinking anymore regarding what I eat

I'm not really sure what helped. Reading/working through the intuitive eating workbook with my therapist was pretty helpful though I guess. It took a long time to give up those behaviors though because I wasn't interested in stopping them anytime soon for a long time, I wanted to be the perfect weight. It was just many years of obsession and started to drive me crazy

I hope you are able to get to the point where you're able to eat balanced and not feel obsessed about weight, etc. Hope you're able to be interested in food again too, it's hard to find balance

I'm glad your mood is getting a little better

I am currently waiting for a call from my psychiatrist. He said he'd call today. Yikes. I hate waiting for calls. Especially on Saturdays, ugh. I mean I was supposed to do fun stuff today. But it sucks when I'm just sitting around waiting for the pdoc to call. Nonsense, really. I honestly think when I took 3 mg clonazepam at his suggestion I got super depressed. So not doing that again. So I think I will continue on the 2 mg clonazepam until/after my trip. Then maybe try to decrease it. I don't know. It's tough. Psych meds are tough. I have compassion for my pdoc.

Oof I have had the urge to throw out all my meds too. And I've done it on multiple occasions. It's tough. I always have to look at the pros and cons. Cons are usually something like: my pdoc might never see me again (discharge me or whatever they call it). Pros are like I might feel better in the short-term. You'd have to write it out for yourself. Cause it differs of course from person to person. For me it always ended up being a negative thing in total if I were to throw them out. Anyway. Hope that helps at least a little bit.

Anyway, I am going to write a novel. Hopefully I will be able to get some money from that. Royalties and what not. I am already writing one. Probably I'll just continue that. I need some job that will earn me money like that. Indeed. I can't do other jobs. Translation is too precise for me. I can teach. That's like the one thing I can do. Reasonably well.

That’s cool what type of novel?

I hate waiting on phone calls too because if they call and you miss it they leave a message and sometimes you have to call them back and it just becomes phone tag and is annoying

My friend is helping me learn more about photography and DSLR cameras since I got a Nikon D70s recently. I have no experience with these types of cameras yet, but I’m hoping to learn and experiment taking pics at the local park and rose garden. And of course lots of pics of the cats. It’s interesting because the camera I have has like 6.1 megapixels (it’s a less expensive/older model) and my iPhone 8 Plus has 12 megapixels. But they told me that megapixels aren’t everything and it also depends on other factors with the camera sensor and all the stuff you can adjust on a dslr camera that you can’t get with an iPhone. I found sample pictures from the model of camera and lense I have , and they look really good. Like you can take some amazing pics with it even without it being a high megapixel camera. I found that really interesting, learned something new

I feel a lot better the past week. I’ve been able to spend time in the community room and more time socializing without extreme paranoia. My mood has been good and level. I’m in a good routine. At first I felt like talking to my therapist and psychiatrist about the trauma stuff was a bad idea because for a couple weeks it seemed to backfire and just made me feel 10 times worse. But I seem to be coming out of it. I’m not thinking about it so much anymore. I’m able to focus on hobbies and my goals for school and volunteering, not feeling overwhelmed and stressed or hopeless like I was. For a few weeks I was feeling really suicidal. I spent a lot of time crying and considered ending things. I was told things generally get bad before they get better after talking about trauma and working on that. I guess in my case it’s definitely true. I didn’t expect it to have such a negative effect on me, talking about it. I almost cried on the phone with my psychiatrist at one point and I’ve never cried in front of her or my therapist in the 7 years I’ve been seeing both of them. I’m pretty sure she could tell, it was embarrassing. Normally I keep my emotions to myself but they came out during that phone call with her.

I was in the darkest place I've ever been in (Yesterday night and yesterday afternoon). I realize how much I take THIS (Medicated for schiz/ADHD) mental state for granted. It was so dark..

I wonder if the Invega Trinza got more released into my blood, idk.. Olanzepine is at normal levels again..

I feel very very good. And the phenibut/pregabalin (At low doses), kept my mood picked up for now..

Fine.. I accept that I need antipsychotics. Why? Cuz without them, I'm insane! Plain and simple. And not in some fun way.. I mean, it's like I lose my mind - Worse than any bad psychedelic trip.

And my cognition is so much better... I can talk to people without a problem. I remember, when I was put on Invega/olanzepine (In 2017), I mentioned to my psychiatrist, a comment from someone "You're finally coming out of your shell" - I was more social.... But I did stop the 10mg of olanzepine for the next 3-4 years, and then had to take it again..

So that's just my stupid update .. lol. I'm off the lamotrigine. Bipolar meds aren't really for me. I don't really get mania.

Hugs to all

Near Christmas (When I had that meltdown), I was like "Fine. I'll flush all of my meds" - and as soon as I got up, my dad stopped me and was like "No don't do that"...

It can happen, but really not advisable. I never flushed my meds before.. Substances that are too addictive/harmful, sure..

But it's a bad idea. Say "I'll decide if I'm okay tomorrow - If not, then I'll flush them" - And usually, you're more calm/less impulsive at that point..

Just a regular fiction novel I guess. Kind of philosophically-minded.

And yeah, I decided to ignore my psychiatrist's call. He was honestly making me mad.

He was thinking I could get by just on Latuda. I can't do that. I need Abilify to help my mood out. My mood was going way south on his suggestion. My psychiatrist in Argentina thinks I need Abilify at this point as well. Yay for having two psychiatrists, one of whom is right. It just sucks to have to deal with one psychiatrist (the one here) who really doesn't understand things too well with me. And he is the prescriber until I leave. Luckily I leave soon.

Latuda just didn't help my mood. Abilify has always been my trusty mood companion. Lol.

I have to recover from severe abuse by narcissist. That's why I used all of the drugs. Always, there's turbulence and nonsense in my mind. I have to clear my mind. And it's the most difficult task possible, to be happy etc..

I will try and take the steps to fix this ASAP.

I'll meditate now.. On Dexedrine. Should feel like a powerful focus.

People say to stop watching corruption news.. But I can't..

I'm afraid of my coworkers too. It's not natural for me to be so afraid. But the same thing, "Smile" (A coworker always said, back then). Those things push me over the edge.

I don't want to be this dysfunctional, and broken. I want it fixed. It's the only thing I want fixed... My insecurities about what happened... And to stop being abused because of my post reaction to previous abuse.

Anyway, I'm just being stupid about this stuff. I'll meditate right now... How long though? 15 minutes.. And then I'll try and make the steps...

Ok.. So 10 minutes, I meditated (With a 40Hz binaural frequency).

I have to do the right things... Maybe I'm way too hard on myself - That I can't function. But that energy should get me somewhere.. idk..

I'm ready to CHANGE.. My waaayss...

Read This If You’re A 20-Something With No Sense Of Direction In Life | Thought Catalog

I played an rpg tabletop card game today, took an hour and a half to play through. It's a 1-2 player game, more if you include expansions, I believe if you combine sets you can have up to 4 players, so you can technically play perfectly fine by yourself if you want. So sometimes I play with my friend when I'm at his place cause he has it too or sometimes I play at home by myself because I also have the starter set and some of the expansions. I lost the campaigne today but that's okay, it was fun and a nice time, sometimes it's really nice to get absorbed in RGP/tabletop games that get you away from video games and other tech. It's a little more immersive, there's a lot of things to consider so you have to think a lot and use strategy.

I got the battery replacement and charger, and a card reader for my Nikon D70s. Here's one of the first pics I took today, not good but I am just now learning how to use them. Took me a bit to look things up and figure out how to get an image to focus, the image in my viewfinder was blurry until I found out how to turn on autofocus. Of course I'll learn a lot more. I'm having fun with it

I have some pics of the cats with it but I still need to move them from my memory card to my laptop

It's been a good day

I feel like my anxiety is a lot better since I started taking the trazodone. I don't know why, or how it's connected. But my anxiety has been extremely low for almost a week now. Like there's a community tenants meeting tomorrow and I'm not even worried about it, normally I spend weeks before it stressing myself out over it and being insanely anxious. However I am very tired, I finally got some sleep last night, I think it was a good amount. But by 2pm today I was exhausted again

My masked psychosis is still highly curious about the astral realm.

I can't put salicylic acid on my planter warts twice a day. I can barely withstand/do all of the things to take care of myself anymore.

My fear is that I'm going to burn myself out (Like when I was 16) - Few months later, I was having strong quasi-psychosis. Couldn't get out of bed. Quit my job. Didn't wake up for school.

I'm always late for work.