Roll Call 197

SlumberKitty · Jan 23, 2023, 12:46 PM

Feeling okay but I have a Pap Smear today. Bleh. I had to get it redone because the doctor didn't get enough cells last time. Just my luck.

SlumberKitty · Jan 23, 2023, 12:47 PM

Kind of tired today though. I think I didn't get enough sleep. I couldn't get Zoey (my beagle) calmed down for a long time after we laid down. She kept barking.

Desoxyn · Jan 23, 2023, 06:01 PM

I got out of bed at 3pm. Sad feelings. Mind is clear though.

Sometimes psychotic · Jan 23, 2023, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

If my life up until now is any indication on how my future will play out then I'm really screwed because it will be full of unaccomplished goals, ambitions, and me never getting anywhere. I'm starting to think trying to fix myself as a person and have a fulfilling life is pointless. I feel like a total failure compared to practically anyone else

I can't help but compare other people's accomplishments, jobs, college degrees etc to my lack of those. And the fact that I've tried so many times to be accomplished and continually fail or **** up somehow because I break down in tears when confronted by stress or conflict

So I’m reading a book and it says relationships are
the key to happiness not career accomplishments etc. I know that sometime it feels like everybody else has more but you are an amazing person.

Blue_Bird · Jan 24, 2023, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

So I’m reading a book and it says relationships are
the key to happiness not career accomplishments etc. I know that sometime it feels like everybody else has more but you are an amazing person.

Thank you, I just feel Ike ashamed that I don’t work right now, and that I can’t seem to finish my college degree.

I have a friend I spend time with (doesn’t live in this building) that’s the only irl friend that I have aside from people I occasionally talk to that live in the building.

I don’t know how to make friends

I have family but it’s really just my sister since our two brothers don’t talk to me. I gave up on trying to be friends with them. My sister is always busy and doesn’t ever really feel like doing things together. I occasionally ask if she wants to like go to a museum or something, she says yes but we never do and I can tell she’d rather not hang out.

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SlumberKitty · Jan 24, 2023, 01:35 PM

Blue_Bird, you have come so far in the few years that I have known you. You are still very much young, at least younger than me, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I get feeling bad about yourself for not meeting some of your goals yet but it's okay. You have a lifetime to do that. I think the key to happiness is doing good. You do good by taking care of your kitty cats, helping out at your building things like calling Bingo and other things like that. I know it is easy to be down on ourselves but I think you are a wonderful person and I wish that you could see yourself how I see you. I think you are great!

SlumberKitty · Jan 24, 2023, 01:39 PM

Trigger for women's health

Possible trigger:

I had to get my pap smear redone yesterday because the nurse practitioner at my OBGYN's office did not get enough cells on the swab last time so I had to get it redone. I hate hate hate this test. I am a virgin and I find it very painful. My GP refuses to do it for me so now I have to do it at the OBGYN's. They tried to charge me $50 yesterday but I said I shouldn't have to pay because it wasn't my fault they didn't get enough cells on the swab. So the front desk lady said she would talk to the billing lady. I said to let me know if I have to pay it that way I don't end up having to pay a large amount at one time since I have an appointment scheduled with the actual OBGYN doctor next month which I will have to pay the copay for because my periods have been crazy. Like this month it lasted 12 days! So anyway, yesterday at the appointment it was hurting when he was doing the exam. Last time I just grin and bore it but I couldn't this time. I have a high pain tolerance but this is like a really sharp pain and I couldn't handle it so I was like, no no no no. I asked if he had a smaller one he could use. He did something else and then he was able to get the swab. When he told me we were done I was like Praise Jesus! Whatever he did at the end did not hurt as bad as in the beginning. He did explain about not getting enough cells last time but I really didn't understand what he was talking about. I did tell him that if he didn't get enough cells this time that I wasn't going to come back for a third time. So now I have to wait two weeks and call for the results.

I am proud of myself for sticking up for myself and telling him that it hurt too much. I think that is good self care. I hope I don't have to repeat this test now for three years. Sometimes it bites being a girl!

SlumberKitty · Jan 24, 2023, 01:41 PM

Oh and my T texted me asking me to call her after the appointment. I did but then she said that she was on the other line waiting for the doctor (her doctor) and if she could call me back. I said yes. But she never did. So when I texted her this morning to tell her that I sent her copay via Zelle and that I set up the Zoom for our appointment tonight she was like, "Oh sorry! I don't know why I couldn't call back yesterday." It's okay. I was a little annoyed but she is kind of random like that. Whatever I have to say can wait until today though. It's not the end of the world.

Blue_Bird · Jan 24, 2023, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Blue_Bird, you have come so far in the few years that I have known you. You are still very much young, at least younger than me, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I get feeling bad about yourself for not meeting some of your goals yet but it's okay. You have a lifetime to do that. I think the key to happiness is doing good. You do good by taking care of your kitty cats, helping out at your building things like calling Bingo and other things like that. I know it is easy to be down on ourselves but I think you are a wonderful person and I wish that you could see yourself how I see you. I think you are great!

Thank you SK, that means a lot to me

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Blue_Bird · Jan 24, 2023, 03:26 PM

I’m glad you were able to get your pap exam over with SK, I have to get one really soon and am dreading it

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Blue_Bird · Jan 24, 2023, 03:28 PM

Some photos I took today, the ones of my cats and the boots I took with my Nikon, the one with me with my Nikon was taken with my phone camera

Blue_Bird · Jan 24, 2023, 03:34 PM

I need to buy myself some flowers at the grocery store or something next week. So I can practice taking pics of them. I’m running out of things to take pictures of in my apartment. And I’m not taking my Nikon out in the winter weather and risking damaging it.

Might be an easy way to get some nice pics since there’s no flowers outside now in the winter.

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SlumberKitty · Jan 24, 2023, 05:58 PM

I think it's great you have been getting more into photography, Blue_Bird. And I like that you share some of your pictures with us!

SlumberKitty · Jan 24, 2023, 05:58 PM

PT tonight for my shoulder. It's been really sore. I hope it helps some.

Blue_Bird · Jan 24, 2023, 07:15 PM

Thanks SK, I'm enjoying it, it's a fun hobby, so much to learn

I hope the PT helps

cogladaid · Jan 24, 2023, 07:17 PM

I decided to try to stop drinking.

I lasted a day. I drank some watermelon vodka and an apple cider.

I’m just trying to be okay.

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cogladaid · Jan 24, 2023, 07:23 PM

Also I lost more weight so I’m finally under 300lbs. 299. I’ll take it. So much more to lose. I started around 380 or so.

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Sometimes psychotic · Jan 24, 2023, 07:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I need to buy myself some flowers at the grocery store or something next week. So I can practice taking pics of them. I’m running out of things to take pictures of in my apartment. And I’m not taking my Nikon out in the winter weather and risking damaging it.

Might be an easy way to get some nice pics since there’s no flowers outside now in the winter.

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Flowers are perfect because they grow and change every day.❤️

Blue_Bird · Jan 24, 2023, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Flowers are perfect because they grow and change every day.❤️

Yeah that's true

I need to get a vase for them first, don't have anything around here to put flowers in, no tall glasses or anything. then I can just buy fresh flowers every month at the grocery store and take pics of them until summer comes and I can go to the park and rose garden. Will be a good centerpiece as well, if I can keep the cats from eating them/knocking them down. I'm gonna try to get sunflowers

Desoxyn · Jan 24, 2023, 09:02 PM

Going skiing tomorrow =]

Ket kind of caused an opening of the pain sensitivity in the centre of my brain (Wherever consciousness begins - Maybe by some transmitting device on some other planet).

But olanzepine kicked in, and helped greatly.

I freak out about everything though. It's like, I freak out... then I die. I just want to be on vacation again.

I need money.. Lots of money. I have to find a way.. But I also have to find a hobby/something I enjoy, that will help.. Being a psychonaut, future outcomes could be in my favour - Idk. The bar has been set by the schiz, for a while..

I just don't want to be a casualty of war/the government... Or just pain from other people (Evil hallucinations) telling me that the way I live my life? Is wrong, not good enough etc.. I just wish I could read history books for weeks, months..

Why can't I? In the past, there were no distractions.. The world was way more disconnected and less toxic. There'd be your neighbours, friends etc.. The 90's seemed like some of the best of times to just live in peace.

The 60's are back again (In the 2020's) - I have to be careful what I wish for.. and all to my benefit of what I accept anyways, still...

Blue_Bird · Jan 24, 2023, 10:33 PM

My mood swings are becoming too much again. I was doing really well for a long time, many years. I don’t know why I brought all that stuff up to my therapist and psychiatrist from my past/ traumas growing up. Just felt like I needed to finally talk to someone about it all. It felt good to finally talk about stuff and connect some dots as to some of my experiences with mental health issues and what may have caused them (like the dissociation I get sometimes etc) but since then, I have had a lot of self hatred and sui thoughts. Also my mood is swinging from amazing, euphoric, to deeply depressed, in tears and all over the place and paranoid. I’m sick of it. I want it to stop.

I feel like facing some issues has just made some things worse, if that makes any sense

I see my therapist on Thursday. I don’t know what to say. Am I doing well? Maybe for a few hours then I’m not for a hour, hours , days or two. Then back to feeling great again. When I’m feeling great I forget about all the negativity completely and live in the moment and feel amazing, but when it’s negative I get stuck in negative , sui thoughts and paranoia and anxiety that makes me feel sick with dread thinking cops are after me.

Feel like things are kind of spiraling all over the place

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Desoxyn · Jan 25, 2023, 12:47 AM

I wish I could help BB but I feel so bad. Hugs though.

Desoxyn · Jan 25, 2023, 02:44 AM

Possible trigger:

I felt suicidal

Then looked at my FB friends list - Idk why I have high school friends on there.. I don't understand what happened.. with the AvPD.

And I listened to a song that my moms ex used to play in the truck, going everywhere.. "Wasting Love" by Iron Maiden. It haunts me.

I feel mentally disturbed. It's like every decision I can possibly make is a DEAD END. No matter what I do, I'm still haunted.

I hope this goes away in the morning.

Sometimes psychotic · Jan 25, 2023, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

My mood swings are becoming too much again. I was doing really well for a long time, many years. I don’t know why I brought all that stuff up to my therapist and psychiatrist from my past/ traumas growing up. Just felt like I needed to finally talk to someone about it all. It felt good to finally talk about stuff and connect some dots as to some of my experiences with mental health issues and what may have caused them (like the dissociation I get sometimes etc) but since then, I have had a lot of self hatred and sui thoughts. Also my mood is swinging from amazing, euphoric, to deeply depressed, in tears and all over the place and paranoid. I’m sick of it. I want it to stop.

I feel like facing some issues has just made some things worse, if that makes any sense

I see my therapist on Thursday. I don’t know what to say. Am I doing well? Maybe for a few hours then I’m not for a hour, hours , days or two. Then back to feeling great again. When I’m feeling great I forget about all the negativity completely and live in the moment and feel amazing, but when it’s negative I get stuck in negative , sui thoughts and paranoia and anxiety that makes me feel sick with dread thinking cops are after me.

Feel like things are kind of spiraling all over the place

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Just be honest with your T, they may be able to help….

Sometimes psychotic · Jan 25, 2023, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

Possible trigger:

I felt suicidal

Then looked at my FB friends list - Idk why I have high school friends on there.. I don't understand what happened.. with the AvPD.

And I listened to a song that my moms ex used to play in the truck, going everywhere.. "Wasting Love" by Iron Maiden. It haunts me.

I feel mentally disturbed. It's like every decision I can possibly make is a DEAD END. No matter what I do, I'm still haunted.

I hope this goes away in the morning.

Hope you’re feeling better this morning desoxyn.

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