Roll Call 197

I walked 5 minutes to a road (Where I usually run - Cuz there's no people) - Ran for 15 minutes (Heart beating nice and speedy), then walked back.. I'm gonna try and do this for 15 minutes (Every day, or other day).

I have a good amount of motivation (After the coffee especially). My lungs hurt from the cold, but that'll dissipate..

I took a shower, and then turned it on to cold (For good norepinephrine/dopamine increase)..

Now I'll mess around, plan the things (OCD-type priority).. Took 30mg of Dexedrine.. Should be good.

There's no problems today (Everything seems to have been reset by the good Valium sleep - And yeah I'll highly limit to taking only a few of those a month.. I guess, last night - I really needed it).

I feel really good though..

I want to meditate as well.. But have to plan.. things.. And read, books... Which ones to read? SP gave me a suggestion..

I should make a goal on how much I should read, meditate.. I just have to make a list of "healthy things", or put the most important things that I do, on one (Or a few) pages..

SK! You're too cute.

Talked to my therapist. We discussed the binge eating that I use to cope with emotions. And talked about how I've made a lot of progress though because I'm not purging or restricting anymore, and that maybe I can use some of my coping skills to distract from the urge to binge when I'm feeling upset. Talked about my progress I've made. Discussed the mood swings, that I've been experiencing lately again, she said it was part of my main diagnosis (schizoaffective/bipolar) and to bring it up to my psychiatrist if it gets worse. I told her it's manageable right now. It's better than it used to be. I used to be reckless, not sleeping, delusional, paranoid, and randomly stopping my meds. So in comparison to that I' doing a lot better, and it's manageable. I feel fine today. And to keep in mind that when I'm feeling horrible, I know eventually I will go back to feeling wonderful or neutral at some point. To write a letter to myself when I'm feeling really amazing, to read on a day when I'm depressed. So I know it won't last forever. I also haven't been in the hospital in 5 years which is amazing, because I ended up there so many times before, one time in the back of a police car. I've made a lot of progress even though I sometimes feel like a failure

We also talked about college, she said because I've grown and matured a lot over the years and am more stable that I might be able to handle it (the stress) this time, if I take one class at a time.

I'm also calling the main branch of the library tomorrow to ask about my volunteer application and figure out what happened with that and why I never got a call

Glad your appointment went well Blue_Bird! I like the letter idea!

I'm exhausted now. Work wore me out. Actually no. I think it was all the emotional stuff, hallucinations, stress. Etc. That wore me out. But now I am physically as well as emotionally tired. I want to go home, put my feet up, have Zoey lay with me and be comforted!

My friend is going away on vacation. i won't see her for 18 days. This is causing me a lot of stress/anxiety/loneliness/abandonment fears/etc. She will be out of the country. I guess we can talk via FB messenger. But it won't be the same. And I won't get her hugs. Boo. I asked her today to not forget about me. She assures me she won't. But IDK. I'm already almost crying and experiencing grief about it.

I'm very functional when there's 15-20mg of dextroamphetamine in my blood.. But it's so hard to keep it like that (Cuz it only lasts 2-3 hours for me). For the average person, it lasts 4-6 hours.

Oh no.. Heart beating 120bpm.

I hate this. Maybe I'm just out of shape. It was from the running.

I can't not freak out. But I'll try not to, and just ignore it. Once I exercise more, my resting HR will be lower.

I think this happens every Spring (After I start hiking at first) - Idk, I don't remember.

I'm trapped in a red hot glowing crystal prism of hell

I have pronoia again..

"Pronoia describes a state of mind that is the opposite of paranoia. Whereas a person suffering from paranoia feels that persons or entities are conspiring against them, a person experiencing pronoia believes that the world around them conspires to do them good."

I wish I could say the right things.

I drank some alcohol - Cuz I felt like I wanted to cry. I never wanted a hug, or anything like - This. And the anhedonia blocks 99% of how I want to heal.

And often when I drink, I feel so much pain that I do cry. I don't know how dysfunctional this is.

I just don't want to die before I feel these potential feelings - That's really what I don't want.

I know how careful I have to be, playing with fire. But isn't that what I've always done.. Why am I so afraid to do it now.. Why don't I take 10x the max dose of some drug.. Things have really changed, so much.. that there's no going back. I'm becoming way more mature.

No worries, I'm okay now..

There is happiness in life.. I work tomorrow - And go through the same, never changing... routine..

My dad and I FaceTimed and talked for a bit.. I just don't remember anything anymore. I'm so tired..

I am in South America. The trip was fine. I need 15 mg olanzapine though. Trying to get my doc down here to prescribe it. It's hard. Was hard, rather, since I've already taken the 15 mg olanzapine today. I don't know why they keep taking it away from me. It's really frustrating. Anyway. Hopefully the pdoc down here will agree that I just need the stuff, and keep me on it. I hate when doctors try to change things quite honestly when there's not even a problem!!!!!!!!!

I guess the only positive that came out of this latest switch (to Latuda only) was that I was able to come off of Abilify, which I learned was probably causing the most injurious of the side effects I was having.

Anyway. So now I know that.

Sorry you’re struggling Desoxyn, I wish I could help, but I’m always here to listen and offer support I hope you can spend more time with your dad , it seems you do better when you’re with him or talking to him

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I hope your doctor can prescribe the medication for you WA, I’m glad your trip down there went well

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I walked to the store today to buy 2 bags of cat litter and some cat food.

Took a shower, used nice soap and body scrub and put on lotion and some Valentino perfume afterwards. Feel really refreshed and smell great. I hadn’t showered in 3 days. Usually when I do I just try to get it over with as fast as possible so I don’t take my time. But I did today and it felt really good. I’m gonna try to start showering every single day.

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My Mom's Foster Mom arrives today. My parents are picking her up at the airport. She can be kind of critical so I am both looking forward to and dreading her visit. Hmm. Maybe more of that emotional stress!

I bought a few puzzles for us to do since she is older and doesn't like going out much and she is really good at puzzles. I got a King Tut one and I hope we get to that one because it looks really fun.

I'm a bit worried how Zoey (my beagle) will do. She can get crazy, and excited, and run around and jump on people--but ordinarily she is a good dog. But my Mom gets upset and then yells at her and then Zoey barks and then it just seems to escalate. I tell my Mom that when we get loud, Zoey gets loud. She forgets though, as she has memory issues.

Tired today. I took some sleep medicine last night and it knocked me out. I did get good sleep but I had a hard time waking up. My Dad brought me and my coworker coffee though so it is helping a lot. I don't feel as sleepy now.

I am anxious today but I do not want to take anxiety medicine because I just stopped feeling sleepy. But my chest is all tight and my breathing is shallow. I will try to do some deep breathing and see if that helps.

Hope you feel better SK and hope the visit with your mom’s foster mom goes well

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Trigger for eating disorder recovery stuff



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Again, not aiming for perfection. I know I’ll eat those foods once in awhile , just trying to stop buying massive quantities of it , because I always say I’ll have just a couple cookies or something then as soon as I’m stressed, the entire package is gone

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Got my February calendar of events in the building

My therapist said it’s good that I’ve taken this time away from school and stuff, to work on my mental health , even though I feel like a failure due to it. Because I’ve come a long way and am a lot more stable than I used to be and have matured over the years as well. So she thinks going back in the fall is a good idea since I really want to and feel pretty confident that I can handle it , taking 1-2 classes

So I’m taking steps towards going back. Paying off the money I owe the bookstore from my last semester in 2019. I’ll have it payed off by or before June. Then I will sign up for a class or 2, depending on the minimum required for my financial aide to cover it. Usually it’s 2 class (6 credits total) I need to cover tuition as a part time student.

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I'm happy that I have a soul and I'm not a lifeless Artificial General Intelligence machine.

This morning was the most difficult morning it has ever taken for me to wake up... I got to work an hour late.

Last night, I felt really good - My mind was super super clear (Like never before) - I was invincible.. But needed to sleep, so I zopicloned myself (At 2am).

Too cold to run.. I still plan to organize my life. But something really strange and amazing is happening - It's like I'm super aware, .. the particle accelerator in Switzerland, it likely caused this (No jk..).

But yeah.. I'm enlightened (In some way, not fully though..) - I just want to learn and live, experience.. feel around like a fungi culture underneath the forest (That's the best that I can explain this..), sharing sugars with trees...