Roll Call 197

Just suffering through I guess. That's all I can do. I'll burn with this reality and transform one day/or lost time in this void of hell.

So stressed. Social security appears to have cut me off due to the address change thing, it's a long story. Anyway, I have to call them on Monday and also call my doctor to write a note that I can live on my own because apparently I was supposed to be living with my sister still since she's my payee, my benefits are no longer there. So I am stressed beyond belief right now and don't know what to do. If I don't get this straightened out before February 28th I will end up getting evicted

I’m crying. I’ve gotten nowhere in life. I’m a ****ing failure.

My anxiety is so bad tonight, I feel dissociated

Maybe dying isn’t something to be afraid of. Almost seems like it would be a relief, I feel like I shouldn’t exist (not going to do anything , just thoughts)

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I am in some form of relationship. I don't like close friendships etc with people because my insecurities seem like I'm withdrawing from heroin at some times.

Maybe a little heroin would help (Just an idea, don't worry..)

Hugs BB <3 Dissociative episodes are scary.. I wish I could help..

You're not a failure - I'm not sure if I understand how people think they are failures, stuff like that - But don't worry, it's all good!... Don't put that much pressure on yourself.

That disability thing happened to me as well (When I moved), and my mom broke down and cried (Because she didn't do my taxes for 3 years) and I said "Don't worry about it!!"

These problems are a hassle and a little scary, but easily fixed with a more focused mind.. Dissociation is the brain trying to escape unbearable anguish (So you are safe from mind)

Thanks, yeah I dissociate when I don’t know how to handle stress and feel extremely overwhelmed. Guess it’s just my brain trying to protect me. It’s kind of annoying though because I hate when it happens.

Anyway, sorry I haven’t been as supportive lately, I hope you feel better I was just preoccupied for a few days with looking at recipes and stuff then this evening found out about social security so I kind of spiraled downward since 6pm today. I started thinking what happens to my cats if I get evicted. I can’t lose them. And I don’t want to lose my apartment either of course. It’s just stressful. And I’m not used to dealing with SS because normally it was my sister who did everything for me in regards to SSI paperwork and stuff like that.

I’ll call them on Monday morning and see what they say. I will also ask my housing support specialist to help me with it if I need help

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Since I can’t do anything about it RIGHT now I’m just trying to relax and focus on other things , kind of distract myself until Monday morning when I can start taking action to get it resolved.

I’m listening to an audiobook right now. Ikigai : Japanese Secrets to a long and healthy life. It is really good and really informative

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Also trying to cut out caffeine. Very slowly , I drink way too much. Like 6-7 cups caffeinated coffee a day. Too much, makes anxiety worse

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I went out to a restaurant today with my mom and sister. Been going around the last couple days without a mask.

It was nice. I had a tofu power bowl and we shared chicken nachos. Had a couple drinks. I missed going to restaurants. It’s been like three years.

I can’t post two pictures at a time so one at a time.



Tofu power bowl.

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Chicken nachos.



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Today was a bad day =/

I had the same thing happen to me when I moved out and started living in my own apartment rather than living with my parents. I know it's really stressful, but it's pretty easy to fix it once you can get social security on the phone.


sending good vibes your way.

Thank you! I appreciate that That’s a relief to hear that others have experienced similar, I am calling them Monday morning so I’ll update on here with how it goes

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I hope you feel better Desoxyn, I'm sorry you've been struggling

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The food looks amazing cogladaid

Falcon, I hope your able to find a med that works for you

Wasting asparagus, hope things are going okay since you moved and hope you can find some good friends there

SP, yeah I'll just buy a sirloin I guess and cut it up, I'm not sure how to cut meat but I guess I'll figure it out

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I walked to the store today because it was a lot warmer. Today its around 20 degrees farenheight , much better than the previous two days. I got two 7lb bags of cat litter , 2 cases of 12 cans of cat food each so 24 cans total, dish soap, and laundry detergent. Was very heavy to carry home but glad I took care of it. Forgot to get paper towels but I'll get them on Tuesday.

Feeling stressed about tomorrow, calling social security. Part of me logically knows this thing can be fixed and isn't the biggest deal in the world but part of me feels like panicking. I'm gonna go downstairs in the morning when the housing support specialist is here and tell her what's going on and ask if she can help me with getting it straightened out.

Also I'm doing the no coffee thing. Started today. No coffee both caffeineted and decaf. So I'm just drinking water. It feels extremely boring. I just want a cup of coffee but I need to stop drinking it because the acidity is bad for my teeth and the caffeine is bad for my anxiety.

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I’m so bored. I woke up did some biking, had a bunch of cold brew, watched some TV, did a bunch of cleaning, now I’m sitting down for coffee watching more TV.

It’s only 10am. I want to do something.

I don’t need any clothes, went to Winners last night, went to a restaurant last night, don’t need any groceries (did the weekly shop and also found a bunch of discount meat yesterday).

Only thing I have planned today is make tamales with my mom. Pork is already cooked just have to make the masa mix, pack them, and steam them.

Maybe I’ll go for Starbucks or an iced tea later. The milk tea place doesn’t open until noon.

I’m just bored. Looking at social media over and over again.

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So ideally use a chefs knife if you have one, if not you might want to get one in the future….it also helps to freeze it I can’t remember 30 minutes maybe to firm it up, it makes it easier to cut thin. I have no idea if a butcher would cut it for you or not, but it’s standard just to buy the steak and then cut it yourself.

We got Starbucks and it does feel good to do that if you’ve been stuck inside.

I feel kind of depressed tonight. I laid down and slept or 2 and a half hours during the later afternoon today because I just wanted to get away from my thoughts. I can't help catastrophizing the whole SSI situation even though it's probably pretty straightforward to resolve after I call them tomorrow morning, I'll probably just have to turn in paperwork or something from my doctor stating I'm capable of living alone and meet someone at the social seccurity office or something

I’m not a resilient person. I’m reading/listening to an audio book about Ikigai , and it says one of the keys to happiness etc is resilience. Many people who have a strong Ikigai and have long happy life are resilient and don’t let discouragement get them down , they keep moving forward, they focus on what they can control/their objective. I let discouragement take over, and let it consume me.

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Stoics practice negative visualization, to imagine the worse possible outcome of things, in order to be prepared. Reflect on them without worrying about them.

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Is anyone on an SSRI? I might ask my psychiatrist (Tomorrow) about Prozac (Fluoxetine). I took 4x 20mg of them when I was a teenager - But I'm not sure if that's what made me manic (But also numb and unfocused) or the high dose of Abilify (Severely impulsive) or a combination of both..

I'm just wondering if it would hinder my productivity and motivation (To do tasks). I tried it (In 2018), went up to 30mg - And I couldn't listen to podcasts anymore.. But I think that was cuz of the DPDR (Dissociation) - My DPDR has really been healed (Cuz of the olanzepine - Worked wonderfully for that), so taking those two in combination (Since I wasn't on olanzepine in 2018), it could help.

I tried microdosing psychedelics.. But it's pretty scary, doesn't work and I think contributes to a negative/agitated mood. I'm too scared to take a high dose right now. Being on Prozac would mean that I can't use 5HT2A psychedelics or releasing agents (Cuz of serotonin syndrome), but marijuana and ketamine is okay. The ketamine seemed to help - But doesn't last very long.

So in total, I'd be on the Invega Trinza injection (With Invega PRN pills), Vyvanse, Dexedrine SR, atenolol, olanzepine, pregabalin (This could be replaced with Prozac), zopiclone and clonazepam PRN... Not too much..

I want 120x 5mg Dexedrine IR pills (To take 2 in the morning and 2 in the evening) - Shouldn't be a problem - It would help me wake up in the morning, and also focus well (While on the Prozac), so I'd be pretty happy and focused - A little numb (But that's what I need.. A good vacation from the terrible feelings that I've been dealing with these past 2 years).

So far, so good.. I'll update on what my psychiatrist does tomorrow =]

Update: 850pm I ended up watching Tv, distracting myself, ate lunch, made tamales, ate tamales, made an old fashioned and drank it, watched Saturday Night Live, watched Thor Love and Thunder.

Now it’s time for bed.

Tomorrow is Monday. Back to work. Going to get up in the morning and do some biking. Trying to get a little more fit so I can go back to the gym.

Anyway good night.

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