Roll Call 197

Just remember to drink a lot of water before you donate blood. It helps. Good for you!

I got all my renewal papers, lease signed, updated SSI proof of income in for this new year so I’m all set for awhile. The HVAC people came yesterday and changed the filters in my utility closet.

Spent the morning (I woke up at 6am exactly) today listening to a religious podcast and taking notes while I drank my coffee. Then I had breakfast, fed the cats, brushed/ flossed teeth, washed my face with a cleanser and used moisturizer and made my bed then started my day.

Thanks I will, I’ve been trying to get in the practice of drinking mostly water just for health benefits generally in my life. I’m gonna make sure I don’t have any coffee that day and drink a lot of water. They say to drink 16 oz before coming in to donate.

I donated blood in July. My pulse was a bit high but they let me take my anxiety medicine and then it came down and I was able to donate. So that's a plus. It was at a blood drive at my Church. Haven't given since then though.

I'ma gonna have Subway for lunch. My Dad is bringing it to work for me. Yup. I'm spoiled by my Dad.

I hate myself for shouting at my mom last night about her control. I feel like a terrible person. I feel so awful.

I can't live with myself. Everything is jinxed now. I hope it gets better.

It's a good sign that I hope it gets better.. Cuz last night, I walked near the train tracks and started taking a clonazepam, one by one - Maybe I'd have the guts to KMS. My mom phoned me, told me to come back.

It was mainly about her obsession with hovering over me for drinking ONE drink a day (Although sometimes I'd drink more, and that's when I'd feel bad).

I made her cry.. And I also cried.. It's so hard. I want to live.. I really do. I'm just disturbed.

And the online friendship I have with the autist speed friend, I don't remember exactly what I was saying, and the walls of text he made.. At first, it started off really exciting/nice. I don't understand relationships - Or anything like that. I just wanted to be alone.

I'm often talking to myself in chats and such, alone. And people want to talk to me. I don't talk to someone else first.

My doctor said that all I do is search about my mental illness. That's not ALL I do. God people are so stupid with their criticisms. I have a life, a mind, a soul.

But my soul is crushed by life. I know that the internet isn't real... I just wish I was in a better reality. So I wanted to end this one. I don't want such pain lately. It's so hard. I blame myself at this point.

When my mom gives me a hug, I can't understand it... or anyone that does. I know this life is real - And there must be some destiny - that it isn't ALL FOR NOTHING.. But I'm so individual, critical, screwed up... I just wanted to focus.

I wanted to focus last night.. and my focus was rapidly shifting, violently. I couldn't take it - Being in my room all of the time, just like everyone else - In their houses.. driving their cars, going to work. It's all the same ****. You can take a family, slide the circle ven diagrams across (For how dysfunctional they are) + the regular general activities, occupations, what people like, corporate brands and stuff, put it all together.. And that's society.. Some civilization on a rock. Who cares (IMO).

We'll never visit the stars - If we do, it's in VR. And AI/VR is the same as reality. It's all imagination, all in my head. It's like something that I need to kill, inside my head. To make it stop, I just want fun as well..

I'll try to relax and have fun.. But people have to stop taking me so seriously.

Things will get better Desoxyn You're not a terrible person, family's get into fights sometimes, try to forgive yourself, you are a good person

have you done anything fun lately? Listen to one of your podcasts or hike (not sure what the weather is like where you are so that might not be an option) Just stuff to take your mind off things for a bit. I think at one point you said you wanted to learn to draw?

I'm concerned they won't let me donate because my pulse gets extremely high when I'm around people especially medical professionals (nurse, whoever takes the blood), I am also nervous and afraid of passing out or something

But I'm at least gonna show up and try to do it. I might take my klonopin before going

Hope you enjoy your lunch

I haven't had subway in forever. It's so good. I usually get the Italian mix sub or sub with tuna and lettuce and black olives. We had a subway right down the street from where I live but it closed. I could probably order from UberEats though

HUGS Desoxyn. I'm so glad you are here and you didn't kill yourself. It's okay about the shouting at your mom. We all have bad moments. HUGS. I hope you feel better soon. You are loved here.

My headphone jack adapter came today, so I tried it out and it works and now I can play my keyboard piano without any sound except through my headphones if I want, so I can play any time of day and not worry about bothering my neighbors

The sandwich was good! I had turkey on white with American cheese. Kind of boring but good. I did think about the tuna though, Blue_Bird!

Excellent! Enjoy!

I did want to learn to draw at one point.. My sister even gave me painting kits etc..

It's too cold to hike.. I did hike in the winter with my moms ex bf (And his friends)... But my mom broke up with him, so he didn't even want to be her friend anymore..

All my thoughts pent up, and it's like so much energy/unorganized thoughts are in my mind. I have so many ideas, constantly.. But I don't do anything with them..

I should listen to podcasts again.. that's when I was happy... But lately I just watch videos/clips of the important parts..

I want to be grateful, spiritual, loving, calm, content, .. and appreciate life. But maybe this SNAP of my mental state, things will get better.. My mom just can't get mad at me when she gets home. She's all I have RN.. I need understanding and for people to not get frustrated with me.

I feel so defeated. Most of my memories are about shame and things that I've done wrong. Every bit of my general/functioning cognition, it slides, shifts - I have lapses in memory. I'm trying my hardest.

I'll keep trying.. and fight for something, even though I don't know what it is (I do, but I don't need to explain it to anyone..) and I know who I am, etc.. I just need people to give me a break - Or for paranoia (If I'm wrong), to stop. Persecution, etc..

I'm back on the same meds as before this happened though... Things will calm down. Don't take all of this too seriously.. I'll try and plan to do something for the day.... Until then, I'll search around, listen to music..

I might be going for a walk with my mom (When she gets home). Intoxicated or not, it's a step slowly, to recovering.. At least I'm still alive.. I'm breathing.. I have a chance.

You inspired me. I had a $25 ubereats gift card I got for Christmas so I went ahead and ordered a spicy Italian sub, I really didn’t feel up to cooking dinner tonight. It’s been a long day

Eating some of it now. It’s really good. Got Italian herb cheese bread , all the stuff that comes in the spicy Italian sub, plus provolone cheese, banana peppers, another type of Italian deli meat, and oil for dressing

I'll be okay.. I just can't undo the things I've said and done recently... But I'll try and train my brain to be happy.. I just feel ashamed.

I forgive myself.. I hope no one tries to harm me in the meantime while I'm so vulnerable. Lol.

I meditated for 25 minutes.. I should do it more. I just thought "No thought is important", yet I still think.

Mustachio and Maybelle today. They’re mostly getting a long better or tolerating each other better

We haven’t eaten at subway ever since they completely redid their menu….

Levar burton has a great podcast called levar burton reads fyi…

My mind needs a reboot. I feel zero happiness. I hurt my mom. I'm waiting for her to come home.

What I did, wasn't me.. Suicidal thoughts aren't me. I identify with my happiness, silliness, playfulness etc.. Curiosity, all good things.

It'll get better (Cuz my standard mental state is usually good). I wonder if the lamotrigine caused me to be this way. I stopped taking it 2 days ago. The Invega Trinza injection should kick in too. I took the olanzepine early today as well.

I play with fire. Like no one.

I'm so lonely too.

I can’t focus enough to mediate. My mind thinks too much.

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It's impossible for me to force myself. If I didn't like pure fun, obsessive thinking, solving thought puzzles in my mind.. Yknow since most people need therapy, our thinking is faulty.. Goes in circles (Than solving whole problem), common sense...

Common sense can be difficult.. To figure something new out, you have to think back to what you've experienced before.. Implement so many variables etc etc.

I am a meditator.... But I only meditate a few times a month.. This summer, I went for a walk in nature - Smoked weed by the blue glacier rivers and meditated. There's no technique really.. It's just being still with your thoughts, breathing.. It's so simple - But humans (Especially with mental illness such as mania or ADHD) = Complex thought, patterns.. Impossible.

I only meditate when I'm ready (Or have nothing else to lose - Like today..). It can be a placebo that I think "Wow I'm understanding the whole thing" but maybe that's just my shroom mind, activating, meaningless..

When the time comes @Cog, you will be the Buddha. And you will have achieved, forever enlightenment/Nirvana.