Roll Call 197

Okay, household essentials for the month are all taken care of

I bought most of everything online because I don't feel like taking 5 walks to Family Dollar in the freezing cold to carry everything back in multiple trips. I'll have to go tomorrow but that will just be for some cat food, cat litter, and paper towels. Then I won't have to go for awhile

I bought some basic clothing I needed (socks etc), plus dish soap, liquid laundry detergent, sponges, and 2 cases of wet cat food.

So all those will be coming over the next three days, and of course my air fryer is coming tomorrow.

Oh and I put $25 on my bus fare smart card, I have a half fare card so rides are really cheap 1/2 the price of normal rides so that should last me quite some time, so I won't have to worry about bus fare for this month, I have enough on my card to cover any trips I need to take

I feel happy and full of love (Phenibut?)

I was searching about how to cope with ADHD.. Why not schiz? I have no symptoms (I don't think?)...

List of therapies;
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
- Organization, prioritization, time management
- To do lists
Dialectical Behavioural Therapy
- Mindfulness, emotion regulation, interpersonal skill building
Metacognitive Therapy
- New cognitive patterns and addresses maladaptive beliefs

I do all of these things already though... without therapy.... The meds help. And I'll continue reading that book..

And the "Outline of Self" (On wiki), I'll continue reading that...; Outline of self - Wikipedia

I just want to think positively.

And about playing guitar.. yeah I want to do that too. How can I organize all of this..

But mostly, how do I prolong motivation and interest..

Idk, idk. I don't feel depressed at least. I've been to dark places, the worst pain. But I don't drink alcohol anymore. It's no good.

I talked to the pharmacist - And forgot his wife (Other pharmacists) name, he said her name (And I didn't hear), but I said "Ah, ok".

It was hard to talk to him cuz he's so introverted. He said that I shouldn't be so worried to talk about the stimulant, and I can take a morning IR amount (Ritalin, for example), to wake up.

It's INCREDIBLY difficult for me to wake up (And really always has been.. Cuz of the Invega, olanzepine, zopiclone, etc).

So Idk... I'll figure it out. I can't be obsessed with the stimulant either - But I am dependent, and have been for decade.

Just a previous psychiatrist once said "Vyvanse is like crack" and took me off of it - That didn't help. It's sort of traumatizing to deal with psychiatric-authority. I've been through needless crap in the past, squeezing the life from my soul. And yeah I never listened....

But I'll solve this o.-
...

CUz.. It's all I can do. I SAID btw, that this MOMENT, is a critical time.. to learn coping mechanisms, skills, life orientation, goals etc... treat symptoms, throgh therapy....

All of this stuff drives me nuts too - And I did use many other stimulants.. cuz no one was listening to me. lol..

Ah Jeez, this post is probably a bad one.. Just ignore me

Last couple days I have this feeling that thoughts are being blocked. Messages in music being blocked. Ugh. Now this urge to stop taking my meds. At least the Latuda.

I can’t listen to these feelings. I just can’t. Struggling to ignore them.

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We can only be happy in our own skulls

Latuda is a good med (For mood), can actually increase energy. My cousin is on it (Bipolar 1 with manic/psychosis) - She's doing really well. A microbiologist, works at a weed dispensary. Hugs though...

Latuda usually helps me very well with my psychotic thinking. But sometimes I just have this bit of breakthrough. It’s frustrating and I just have to try to ignore it. Hopefully it’ll pass soon.

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I need to go to the store but I’m wondering if I should just hold off on that. It’s 7 degrees and windy and will be that all day then will dip down to -11 degrees through tonight and tomorrow. I might have to wait until Monday when it gets a little warmer

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I would wait if you can…..if you need pet food I used to order from like petco.

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Needed 1.5 zopiclone to fall asleep. Before that, I had a lot of fear, and felt like I was tripping/had DPDR/racing thoughts and delusions, paranoia. I took the olanzepine much later than usual + I drank a rum and coke at a restaurant.

I didn't wake up for a whole 7 hours, woke up (After finish my long dream) - And then guess what? The alarm rings 10 seconds later! Very refreshing.. I took the Vyvanse and went back to sleep for another hour, got to work early and drank a coffee before I started.

I listened to a podcast (About meditation/mindfulness and illusion of self) while working, good day.

But dealing with people at work? So nervous, vigilant, apathetic (While in my head, everything is quite fun and focused). I'm just reserved/introverted and non-self disclosure problems (At surface level stuff..)..

I'll plan a little today about what to do.. Continue reading that book..

Bought a dress from Amazon today for my sister's wedding in the Summer. I hope it fits and looks good. Her colors are Navy, rose, and gold. I am the Maid of Honor. The date is not 100% set yet. She has to get the approval for the day off from her boss.

It's kind of amazing that I could find a formal dress on Amazon but then again Amazon has everything!

I'm feeling okay today, emotionally. My stomach kind of hurts physically but I think that is because I drank some strong coffee. A coworker got it for me. I miss my friend who is in Egypt but nothing I can do about that. Work is dragging on. Not a lot to do today. I'm bored.

Yeah I'm just gonna wait until Monday when it's not as bitter cold, I can hold off till then, the cats have food

My air fryer came today, I'm so excited to use it, I have to wait for the rubber tongs I ordered to get here though, they're supposed to be here tomorrow.

There's so much you can do with air fryers it's insane. Dehydrate fruit, make beef jerky, fry stuff, roast stuff, reheat stuff, make desserts. It's so versatile, I'm so happy I bought one finally

Can't wait to hear about what you make with your air fryer, Blue_Bird!

I've just been watching stuff on Netflix and reading today. It's too cold to go anywhere, so I've been inside spending time with the cats and relaxing.

I'm making a veggie burger tonight. Veggie burger patty on a bun, toppings: lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese, pickles, ketchup and mustard

Netflix, reading, and spending time the with kitties sounds like a good day, Blue_Bird!

I am eating a cheesy chicken rice casserole with broccoli. It is leftovers from like maybe Sunday? It's good though. My Dad made it. Good winter time food. Comfort food.

Tomorrow I am getting my labs done so I can be ready for my GP appointment next month. We will see how my A1C is doing since it shot up when I started taking more Olanzapine. It was in the pre-diabetic range and I flipped out so my Pdoc put me on metformin, which my GP agreed to handle so hopefully that number will come down a lot. I don't want to be diabetic if I can avoid it. My pdoc is interested in seeing the labs too. My glucose numbers were good last time but the A1C was higher. He was like it kind of doesn't make sense.

I was looking at a cookbook that listed calories and seeing these meals makes me rethink my calorie counting. I think I’ve been overestimating how many calories I’m eating a day. I told my doctor a general number that I thought I was eating but I think it’s quite a bit less.

He probably won’t be happy to hear this from me. He’s already worried enough as it is.

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Sorry you’re struggling with this cog….

Thanks, yeah I have friends here. There is one guy who is kind of supportive but kind of not so he's kind of a no-go.

Then there's someone I play music with.

Then there's one student friend I have.

I just have to work on what my priorities are when I'm here.

I've been going to a co-working space to work but nobody really talks to each other there.

Then there are like language meetups but the focus there seems to be drinking alcohol which I don't do anymore.

Then there's the whole getting students again thing - which I think is probably the most workable solution to the isolation I feel.