Roll Call 197

I was walking home from the store today and a group of teenagers started loudly making fun of me, one of them started to cross the street and approach me but one of the others told them to just leave me alone, I just kept walking and went home then came into my apartment and cried. I feel like such a freak or something.

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I'm so glad you're finding good shows on Pluto tv! The documentary channel has lots of good films.

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They sound like a bunch of scumbags. Don't let them ruin your day. I used to get that all the time when I was young. From surprising demographics.

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Hugs bluebird. Bullies usually have their own issues and it’s not about you.

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Mania last night glutamate excitotoxicity

gotta go to the pharmacy today, besides that im probably just going to watch baseball.

I’m crazy. My mood has been good. Drinking has been regulated.

But I’m sitting here looking at cookbooks and meal planning instead of eating.

What is life.

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Same. It happens. Past few days, weeks, months especially.

ADHD symptoms/executive dysfunction are still uncontrollable.

All I want to do is listen to music and chat on discord with toxic people. I'm sick of this. I just want to organize everything..

I ask ChatGPT a few things - And that video (From yesterday), it helped greatly.. But what a ****ing mess everything is..

I want to read books - I can't get myself to do it. I want to meditate, make goals. But it's so difficult to start.. What am I doing all of this for. I get sui easily but I'm never going to give up (At least that's what I've been doing..) - Bring it on.. I guess.

To suffer for 10k years in hell, that's okay.. I just need to know what I want. I can't switch my focus to one thing, another.. Stimulant can't help with directionless, indecisiveness. I just need a break.. Give me a break.

My dad will come to visit soon - It's like every time I see him, I'm close to getting the Invega injection, or my cognition isn't very good.. I'm not lucid enough.. Rare moments I am.. But I look forward to that...

What else? He'll come back in the Spring to go for the drive to the States..

And what else.. I could go visit my family. Mostly, Summer is what I'm excited for - Or when it gets warm... Hiking, mountain biking, running... I think it'll be. a good Summer, I just have to get through this cold dark hell, being in my room all of the time.

I don't want to be like this. I feel like a freaked out weirdo now. I used to like myself... (Well not that that's a bad thing lol.. But like.. Things could have happened better - And so, to be wise.. With the cards.. and not torturing yourself..) - I'll learn.. I'm kind of an idiot a lot of the time.

No... Ignore all of that..

I will do this.. I will change..

And overcome the great obstacle. Even if it seems impossible,.

I will find the way....

I have been a lost soul

Edit: Remember when I said that I would "go through a lot of pain in the future"? That was around 1-2 years ago. And I was right.

It could get worse, but I'm okay with that.

I'm going through another great awakening!

I got a lot of cleaning done today. I also walked on the treadmill a bit. Literally just for 6 minutes. I just wasn't feeling up to my regular 30 minutes but I made myself at least do something because it's better than nothing. 6 minutes of walking is better than that 6 minutes spent doing nothing I guess. I just want to keep it a regular habit. I practiced Ukulele for 20 minutes yesterday. Doing 30 minutes of ukulele practice today, practicing chords. Might also learn Happy Birthday then send a video of me playing it to my sister for her birthday in March. Trying to do at least 30 minutes of practice 3-5 days a week.

Routines are helpful

I'm doing well, my mood is good. Gonna enjoy the rest of the day

Cognitively impaired. Less sleep. Paranoid/anxious when around people (I'm okay/feel fine when I'm alone though). I'll go to sleep early tonight and sleep in tomorrow.

But mood is good ^- Mush, brain/mind, mush! Solve the problems.. We have a lot of work to do.

But when I woke up, I felt like "I give ZERO F" (About the wake-world), and went back to sleep.

Found tabs for how to play Happy Birthday on Ukulele, I can play it now, I've memorized it and practiced it over and over. Just need to keep practicing it everyday then record myself playing when my sisters birthday comes in a couple weeks.

Did a 15 minute stress relief yoga session. I decided I'll start doing yoga regularly at home in addition to the 2-3 times a month hour yoga class I go to, to kind of supplement it and get better. I'm just trying to build strength really and and get stress/anxiety relief. Been looking up some benefits to yoga for BPD and it looks like it's really helpful, which I already technically know because the class I go to helps me a lot every time I go, but I was just curious if there was any research on it and there is, and also many personal accounts. It can however be triggering to some people, for various reasons. Might trigger dissociation, remind people of trauma, when trying to connect with body, etc. For me personally though it doesn't seem to have any negative effects or trigger anything, so that's good. My neighbor across the hall is huge into yoga, she goes to the yoga class with me, she knows the instructor who does it live, she sets it up for us to do each time over zoom. At first I wasn't sure when it first started if I would go or not because I was worried about people judging me or staring at me because the community room is right next to the lobby and people who come in and out of the lobby can see what's going on. But I'e gotten used to it and I don't even worry about it anymore, and people are also technically free to come in any time and join but it's always just her and I there, no one else comes in to do it but I'm glad she started it, I appreciate it for sure. It's nice to get out of my apartment and socialize with someone I have stuff in common with.

I love yoga - We did that in the psych ward. I can't imagine doing it rn though. All of my spiritual energy is dense and curled up inside of me.

At one point, I tried to learn "Tai Chi" - I just think it's the coolest thing to do.

I need to feel all of the energy.. that's what I need..

Edit: And kick bad habits.. Align..

I can't do it....

What I want to do basically is this;

1. Stop schizophrenia, by becoming a shaman.

SP? What are your thoughts...

I should finish reading that book about this topic..

Edit: It's like that Buddhist story, about finding enlightenment - Going into the sunset, never to return.. Or, come back and teach..

But for me, I'm just all over the place right now.

Any advice would be appreciated (Although I just think "Oh yeah, I remember that *thing*, among every other healthy action/thought..") - Idk how to stop this.

So it’s many things together…shamanism helps but it doesn’t work in isolation

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My left eye is all bloodshot. Like there’s a big red spot and pooled blood in the bottom of my eye.

Google says I just blew a blood vessel in my eye and it’s nothing to worry about.

I think my eyes have been dry from staring at screens all the time and not blinking enough and then I rubbed my eye too hard.

It’s annoying it feels like my eye is leaking like I’m tearing up but it’s all in my eye lmao.

Oh well, Google also says that I shouldn’t worry unless my vision is impaired so that’s good. Just need to get some dry eye drops tomorrow.

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I have an appointment at 2 PM with a new therapist. I am going to take the call from work since it is telehealth. (I have an office so I can just close the door and put a note on it to not be disturbed.). I am kind of looking forward to it but pretty nervous too.

I don’t know where I’m at.

Like I don’t want to eat much. I fast about 18-20 hours a day. Sometimes I only eat one meal a day. Less than 500 cal some days. But I also just ate two servings of frittata. I’m going out to dinner later and getting steak and fries.

I don’t like to drink calories. They scare me. I buy 4 cal kombucha instead of 60 cal. I buy 15-60 cal coffee from Starbucks instead of 300 cal fancy coffees. But at the same time I got 15 cal coffee creamer, and 30 cal energy drinks (instead of the usual 10 cal). I drink alcohol. But I got sugar free simple syrup.

I meal plan, I cook, I do the grocery shopping. I make things that have butter and potatoes and rice. I control everything.

But I don’t want to eat.

I don’t want to but I’m also tired. I want control but I also feel out of control. I’m obsessed with food. But I hate it.

I just don’t know anymore.

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Hugs Cog.

Make sure you're managing everything else in life - Get enough sleep. Make sure to drink lots of water, eat nutrient rich food.

Idk how to give advice to stop it.. It's been like a year I think? And it just progressively got worse. I think the best thing is to heal NOW. Know that you're loved, and it doesn't have to be this way.

A woman in this town recently died (From alcoholism) - She was so incredibly skinny, and everyone knew that she'd die - Way under 100lbs. People would still be a bad influence on her, and give her drinks.

The horrifying mindset, by just focusing on weight, can drain you from everything else in life (Kind of like if I were smoking meth or something) - There's a spiritual consequence to the way we think, feel about ourselves etc.

I've been in the most messed up place too - But luckily, my family has recovered from most trauma, and we support each other. How can I throw it all away again when everyone tries so hard, and learns from mistakes. I have to let it all go/the past, and healed pretty well. I just have OCD or something from the increased stim (And lack of sleep the past few days).

But I had a good 12 hour sleep, good cognition again, no paranoia or anxiety. I'm calm...

(Sorry if what I'm saying is a bad thing.. I just like to try and help, and care).

Do you still have a treatment team/therapist? It would help to talk to someone IRL, such as family too.

Navigating Your Way Through the Psychedelic Field: How to Get Involved | Psychedelics Today

I'd like to be involved in this stuff..

"What are your interests? Are you interested in psychology or psychiatry? Neuroscience or neuropsychology? Chemistry? Biology? History or anthropology? Do you want to do therapy at some point? Figure out what interests you."

There's a strong pull towards this and I can't stop it ^-;

Thanks man. My mom and sister don’t know how I’m struggling but I’ve opened up to my doctor. He suggests I see a dietician but idk I don’t feel comfortable doing that yet.

Like I half want to be better and have don’t. Idk. It’s hard to be normal.

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